AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

@centsandcentsilbilty , what are you afraid will happen if you go to a store and spend money on clothing that fits?

Your husband is not your controlling dad.

Expecting your husband to take your hand and shop for your clothing is not reasonable. You're an adult. You know how to shop for clothing, you've done it for your kids. You go along with your husband while he buys designer clothes with you dressed like you just got out of prison.

Do you realize you're modeling this for your kids? That a SAHM only gets the leftovers after tending others? That it's ok to wear clothes that are falling off they fit so poorly? Your children and your husband see you dressed in clothes many sizes too large and say nothing because you've normalized this for them.

You want your husband to see you dressed so shabbily and fix this for you and that's really not healthy, it's learned helplessness and codependency.

DP is like this and it's utterly infuriating.

I've always worked full time while DP works part time. Initially because she wanted to be able to spend the time with DD, and now because she has a chronic illness.

As a result I earn vastly more money than her, but it's all our money. It always has been. But she really struggles with idea of spending it.

She doesn't sound as bad as you @centsandcentsilbilty , but she'll see something nice, want it, and then say "Oh I can't afford it" and I have to reply "Yes we can". I'd get it if we were short of money, but we're not. And there's only so often I can tell her that it's Ok to spend money on herself.

Your husband isn't the problem OP, you are. He's not stopping you from buying anything, he's not holding the purse strings, in fact he's actively encouraging you to spend money on yourself. The only person stopping you from doing it is you. No he's not going to stride over to the women's section and just stand there while you timidly contemplate the idea of buying something, because who on earth does that? If you want some clothes, then go look at some clothes, and then buy them!

You have joint accounts, so how about having a look back over the past 12 months and see what he’s spent on haircuts, clothes, aftershave, and compare to what (if anything) you’ve spent on similar. You deserve to match his spends so think about how you might do this.

With changes to your figure, you might want to post on the style and beauty board first to get some ideas, and maybe shop online. It sounds like he knows what suits him so can go straight to the rails, whereas I think you might need to take some more time trying different things.

When I became a SAHP I had our joint account card and credit card for shopping etc. I fell into a bit of a rut where I didn’t feel like I should be spending the money too often on myself and I was lengthening out hair appointments etc. We had a discussion about it and decided to send a set amount every month to my own bank account and I budget everything that is “mine” from that. So beauty appointments, clothes, days out or activities with my friends, my gym membership came from there. Things like phone bills, days out with the children, anything household related, gifts and so forth come from the house account.

it just made everything cleaner and it felt like it was mine to do with for me. Might be worth trying that

I am very similar to you in that I don’t treat myself enough! It’s not your hubby’s fault as it doesn’t sound like he is stopping you from buying nice things for yourself. You need to value your role as a SAHM and realise your contribution to the family. Start treating yourself !

Well that's easy. You've joint accounts for a reason. You don't need permission. Go out by yourself and buy some new clothes. Make an appointment with the hairdresser and get a cut and a colour. Build up your wardrobe slowly, maybe buy one outfit a month. As you start to feel better your confidence will grow.

I am rubbish at spending money on myself sometimes.
I actually don't think it's about how much you earn. It's a frame of mind.
I think if I was earning an extremely high salary, I would still procrastinate over spending on myself as there would always be something that the family would need more
My husband always encourages me to get something for myself. Last Christmas he got me vouchers for a brand I like which was useful - I had to spend them there. I bought a lovely denim dress that I have worn loads.

Don’t tell him what you are doing, he already said to do it just do it already!

I think women being SAHMs long term in this financial climate with all the uncertainty is a mistake. I totally get wanting to be home with babies & toddlers but do it beyond that you are putting yourself at risk. I’m very risk adverse & that isn’t a risk I’d be willing to take.

I struggled with this sort of thing after my husband came into a huge amount of money selling his company and at the same time I had just quit my part time job which was causing me a lot of stress.

For a while I was barely bringing anything in and yet our lifestyle was purely being propped up by my husband's money, even though he saw it as our money.

It took me a long time to feel like I deserved nice things but now I'm working towards a new career and bringing in a bit of money, I'm happier to spend it on myself. Yes I'm not paying for any bills currently but we are happy that investment and hard work I'm putting in towards a new career makes up for this as I'll likely end up on a much better wage in the future.

It's definitely been a mindset shift.

I used to say this when I was a sahm op, it was as if I felt I didn’t contribute financially so didn’t deserve to reap the fruits of the household income because I saw it as my husband’s income. We have been having relationship issues since I’ve gone back to work and it’s really made me see how little I have, I could literally do as they do in the films and pack up a bag (well except for the memory stuff, I’d fill a car with that😅). I’d say not only is it time to start buying (obviously don’t send you all into debt but get yourself to a content space within months material goods wise!), and start squirrelling a bit from now on. We won’t call it a running away fund, but just some thing you have in an account that you build on weekly even in a tiny way so you’re not penniless.

Can you go shopping by yourself? With a friend/sister? Book a personal shoppr in John Lewis?

You have identified the issue but very reluctant in being proactive to solve it. I want to be polite about it and I say this playfully but you need a kick up the bum! If you push yourself to get this done you will feel so much better and the confidence will impact other areas of your life, potentially maybe your career.

Have your hair cut and coloured book an appointment. Ask friends for recommendations of somewhere good.

Then go on a shopping expedition on your own or with an encouraging friend.

It could be your birthday present to yourself.

Your method of going shopping with your DH clearly isn't working. Why would you want to go shopping with him, picking out clothes for him and go home without anything for yourself, while wearing clothes four times too big for you - think more of yourself.

I shop for my own clothes by myself as does DH. I can imagine you going into a changing room, trying something on, asking your husband what he thinks - he says something non committal or that he's not sure and I bet you'd then huff back to the changing room and come out empty handed and feel sorry for yourself.

You don't have to wait until you go to the nearest city or weekend break. Go online today and buy your bras from Bravissimo or wait until the morning and use their chat thing for help. Go online to Next, Marks & Spencer, John Lewis and buy yourself some basics - do a haul and try different sizes and return what's not suitable. Then when you've the basics you can try other stores/labels and slowly build up your wardrobe. Just like the majority of us do.

I agree.

You need to speak up and stop being a doormouse. If you want to look in the ladies section, tell him you are. And if you want to buy something, just buy it! I’m not sure what you want from him. Just be assertive!

Please do this:

Take one action every day before midday no matter how small.

It could be anything, booking a hairdresser appointment, asking a friend you think has good taste to go shopping with you and arranging a firm date , buying a pair of totally frivolous socks, going into town by yourself and buying a new pair of jeans ( maybe that one first), walk in to a nail bar and get a manicure, look at photos of people whose style you like and do one tiny thing that they do eg wearing bigger earrings.

There is only one rule, you have to take action every day before midday. Please do not ask your husband if any of your actions are ok beforehand, instead show off the results and expect admiration.

The take action every day technique works for everything, it genuinely doesn’t matter how small the action is, it’s the momentum that counts.

In all honesty the only person who can change this is you. You need to get therapy to work on your self confidence, look to retrain to get you own decent money in. It’s no good expecting your DH to guess what you want him to do.

You need to pull up your big girl pants and come up with a plan on how to get yourself out of this.your first step is to get some therapy. Relying on others to build your self confidence is always a highway to no where.

Do you know your body type and a reliable place to order something that you know will fit you well? (I have some go to brands and cuts that I know tend to work with my body) if so, I think you should go online right now and buy something for yourself. Something that fits well.

You need to make a decision that you and he are earning money as a team and you have as much right to the joint funds as he does. Working part-time facilitates the family and makes his earning possible. You should not feel any guilt about having full use of money that should be shared equally.

I think you have misunderstood.

Her DH is not stopping her from buying new clothes - she’s choosing not to.

She is upset with him that he’s not physically forcing her to buy them - which is just odd.

OP can go shopping any day of the week or online using DH’s money and he’d be fine with it.
But apparently OP needs him to do it for her.

Here is the therapy you really should spend money on, but probably won't.

my Dad was/is very controlling with money! I remember my mum hiding money from him and telling me to keep it a secret.

I think you're casting your husband in the role of your dad - not consciously, but our unconscious minds have an incredible knack for making new situations fit old stories.

You mum wasn't allowed free choice on how to spend the family money.

"Men punish women for frittering the money, I'm afraid to spend on myself."

Even when he TELLS you to spend money on yourself, you don't believe him.

You've implied that you need him standing next to you, making choices, giving you permission, maybe even taking your new stuff to the till and paying. This would, in effect, prove he's not like your dad. But would your unconscious mind believe it? Would you still be subtly waiting for the punishment?

he will say while having coffee or something let’s look for you, but then will walk straight past and into a men’s shop again.

"Look, look! He doesn't mean it. He says that, but ... there will be punishment."

He's not your dad - and well done, by the way. Most of us manage to marry another version of our fathers, so your unconscious wasn't completely stupid.

You cannot possibly expect DH to find ways to embody your father's worst habits, then perform extended rituals simulating his transformation from a controlling miser to an open and generous partner. That would be an unrealistic, practically insane thing to ask. Yet it's what you seem to desire. It's unfair to DH, no?

As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more

Congratulations, you've found a way to hide like your mum did.

But you are not married to your dad. You're using inappropriate coping mechanisms: ones that kept your mother safe, but your marriage isn't hers.

Out of interest, do you have a secret personal account, or a cash stash?

Frankly, you do need therapy but - since your husband sounds like a generally well-disposed guy, perhaps you could get him to read through this thread with you and come up with solutions.

Would a defined budget be helpful, for instance? I don't think he should do the "shopping for you" performance as this won't relieve the underlying problem. But, if he perceives the nature of your issue, he may be open to making a constructive plan with you.

Good luck! Enjoy your new haircut, clothes and shoes.

I’m sorry most posters on this thread don’t seem to understand this, OP.

I spent many, many years with my Mum seeing things she liked in shops and saying to her, “yeah you should get it, it’d suit you!” and her reply was always, “oh, I can’t justify it!” Even in a supermarket where clothes are generally quite cheap. By the time my sister and I were grown and out of the house, I noticed she finally was starting to pick up the odd item for herself. Years later, she will regularly pick things up but I can still see that same internal struggle within her.

She is a middle child and was very much treated as one. Always overlooked, never a priority. Her parents were quite strict and certainly not people who ever splurged on their children (particularly my Mum).

Growing up, our family struggled through the recession and never really had a lot of money. Dad ended up starting his own business when faced with redundancy and it ran at a loss for many years. It was doing well by the time he retired so they are financially comfortable (enough) now.

Mum took absolutely years to get into the mindset that it was ok for her to spend money on herself. It sounds like you need to get into that mindset too. Your husband has said it’s fine to do so - so do it. When you found nothing you wanted in the sale section, you could (and should) have said “there’s nothing here I like, I’ll go back and look at that other dress”. BE ASSERTIVE. Make your needs and wants heard. Tell your husband that you need new clothes due to losing weight and that you need his card to go shopping. Book yourself a bra-fitting appointment and go from
there. If need be, you can agree on a budget first. Perhaps a personal shopper would be helpful to create a capsule wardrobe for you? If you don’t want to go alone, take a friend with you. Someone whose style you admire.

Start putting yourself first! Because it doesn’t sound like anyone else is going to. Good luck!

God OP you've just talked yourself into this situation - it doesn't actually exist outside of your mind.

You don't need to get a full time job in order to be justified in spending money on yourself. You've spent years raising the children and probably done more hours than your DH. You wouldn't say that a nanny didn't have a proper job would you? And you've done far more work than a nanny would have done.

I do understand about wanting permission to do things as I've always sought it out and always hoped that I'd be seen and helped. But then when others have tried to help me, it's been quite a frustrating experience and I've been left thinking that actually I could do a better job taking care of myself. I've realised that I am a capable, intelligent woman who can make her own decisions and makes much better ones than others would make for me. I don't need permission from others. You don't either!!

Why should he be embarrassed? He has told her she is free to buy what she needs. It's not his responsibility to do it for her. She's not a child. She's an adult with almost grown children who has her own bank card and access to accounts. If she chooses not to buy the clothes she needs that's her issue and not his.

Women in fulfilling, healthy, nurturing respectful relationships generally don’t describe themselves as feeling overlooked, unseen, crappy and needing to shrink themselves.

Men who are not abusive generally do something to ensure their partners are not walking around in trousers that are too big and held up by a belt.

Truly I do not know a single man (my DH, my DB, my BILs, my friends, my friends DPs) who wouldn’t in these circumstances just pick up some clothes as a gift, or in the OPs example of being in a department store together avoid menswear and try and ensure their wife buy something.

I genuinely didn’t realise that such an approach was so unusual 🤷‍♀️