AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

I actually disagree that this is entirely a you problem.

there’s not a chance in hell that in your circumstances my DH would not insist that I bought something for myself and the fact that your DH has not, even though it must be painfully obvious that you’re in need of new clothes doesn’t fill me with confidence that he’s not gate keeping.

in your circumstances I think I’d say “I need to buy some new clothes so I’m going to go shopping in Saturday, I don’t want to leave us short for anything so how much can I spend”.

how he responds will tell you everything you need to know.

I have to agree with this. It was perfectly fine to be a SAHM but at some point it became unnecessary, even if you only worked school hours. Of course it’s fine not to work if it’s a mutual decision. But inside I think you know that you haven’t contributed financially over the years so don’t feel confident in spending now. Your situation is on you because you need to be more assertive and just start buying what you need as this is how your situation has been agreed between you both. It sounds like you’re waiting for him to ‘bend your arm’ into buying something because in your head that will feel justified.

Perhaps you could tally up what it would have cost your family if you had not stayed home.

start with a nanny for 45 hours per week, then add in a cleaner once per week (twice if all 3 children were home at the same time), and some sort of PA to cover the life admin.

you saved your family all that money by staying at home, so I think you should think of that when you are feeling low about money.

i think you should consider some volunteer work. Get your confidence up, meet new people, try new skills out. Might do wonders for your outlook ☺️

It depends whether you have access to the family money? If you do yabu and should go and get some clothes that fit and if you don’t then Yanbu and your dh needs to make sure you don

If you’re a person who thinks you should come last because others matter more well..,
what kind of example are you setting your kids? Do you have any daughters? Do you really want them to think a woman who has brought them up making financial sacrifices to do so is worthless and can never have anything nice for herself?

if you’re constitutionally unable to put yourself first ever, then reframe it. You want better for your kids than a down at heel bedraggled looking mum. And your husband can only benefit from a good looking confident woman on his arm.

Finally stop being a martyr. Someone had look after the kids and do the lions share at home - that was and is valuable. Do your kids a favour by modelling to them that you and your role have value.

Imagine being with someone so meek.
I couldn’t do it.

You put so little worth into being a SAHP that you won't spend joint money on yourself.

You are a family, he is working, but you are working too, raising your children, facilitating him being able to work by providing childcare, you keep the house nice, sort the cooking and shopping and do all the child related stuff I bet.

So start seeing yourself as a worthy human!!

Book a hair appointment for a nice cut and colour, then go and buy some nice clothes.

You are not a scullery maid, so dont act like one.

You are a wife, a mother and a woman

This is a you problem. I don't mean that unkindly, I had/have a similar mindset that it's indulgent and frivolous to spend on myself though my husband and kids have no such qualms. I'm actually the main earner too, so that's not the issue. It's something really ingrained, I think from my own parents - my mum is a total martyr and my dad is a tight arsed git lol.

It sounds like you have access to funds and your husband has already told you he doesn't have a problem with it. So just start buying some things for yourself. Repeat to yourself "I deserve nice things too". I can't promise it will come naturally, it still doesn't to me, but at least you'll have bras and jeans that fit nicely.

As for the shopping dynamic, people will tend to gravitate to looking at what they are interested in. Don't wait for them to say "oh shall we go and look at ladies' bras" because they won't. You need to say "I need to get some bras and look for holiday clothes so I'm going to this section, shall I meet you back here in half an hour" or whatever. Tell don't ask! They probably won't bat an eyelid.

Please stop thinking you don't deserve new clothes because you don't earn enough to cover groceries WTF! Your work as a SAHM and homemaker has provided a wealth of non cash benefit to your family. You might feel unappreciated (so do I at times) but dont stand around waiting to be appreciated- hold your head high and know how valuable a human being you are!

You have equal access to the accounts, why aren't you buying necessary clothes? Wearing clothes 4 and 5 sizes too big that have to be held up with belts is ridiculous. You're wearing clothes that were for a woman 50 pounds heavier. This sounds like a huge lack of self esteem and there's some learned helplessness going on here too. When you go shopping, you go to the women's section while he's doing his shopping. If you can shop for your husband and children, you can shop for yourself. You've worked in the home raising a family which made it possible for your husband to work and have a family, do you think that's worth nothing? You're self martyring yourself for your family when it's not necessary.

GEt some clothes that fit and retrain. Check out your local jobs center. Try volunteering part time if you're able, that contributes to your community. Contributions aren't always monetary. I think you need to change it up a bit, you sound like you're in a rut. And think about some therapy.

Think of the value of the services you were providing to your family as a SAHM. Saving hundreds and more each month in childcare. No pressure on your DH having to take time off work during school holidays, childhood illnesses, probably didn't do school runs either. Bet you did and probably still do the vast majority of housework, cooking, laundry and the running of the household. You probably also say that you don't want any birthday or Christmas presents or ask for some household gift.

What do you think all this would cost if it were outsourced??

Book a hairdresser appointment, plan a shopping trip just for you, shop online and as I said above, don't go to the cheapest shops just because it's for you.

Has the OP tried? I don’t think so. Just says there aren’t any more hours in her current job and complains that she doesn’t want to spend her husband’s earnings.

This is really sad. I was a SAHP for 10 years, until my youngest started school, as my DH worked unpredictable shifts which would have made childcare very difficult. We had a joint bank account which we considered our joint income - his earned through his work
outside the home and mine earned through dealing with all the domestic side of life.
Your role is as valuable as your DH’s and you have no reason to feel somehow less deserving.

You are living proof why not working is such bad idea in the end. You seriously need to do something about your own life before it’s too late.

So this is a problem you can solve. You have access to the money, your DH hasnt said you can’t spend it, has actually said you should so buy what you need. If that means that there isnt the funds for new clothes for him then he may need to wait till next month and you don’t buy yourself something then too. Stop putting yourself last and start making it more equal.

in terms of priority I would prioritise like this:

• kids essentials - they grow out or wear out of clothes fast if they need new shoes or uniform then that come first
• your essentials - bras, staples that fit for day to day use
• DH essentials - sounds like he has everything he needs right now but if something needs replacing
• equal priority to ‘wants’ and optional extras

Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything,

I don’t mean to be unkind, but it reads to me like you’re hinting rather than saying directly what you want. And some men just don’t get hints. So - for example - your saying “this isn’t in the sale” may have been interpreted to mean “I only want it if it’s in the sale”. You seem to be waiting for him to say “buy it, buy it” - but he may not have realised that you wanted it?

Why would HE change it

Surely it's up to you to change it

This can be easily improved. Sit down and budget with DH, including a clothes budget for him and you!

Perhaps you need to keep your earnings and spend them on you! You massively contribute by caring for the DC.”

The job market is dire right now.

you will need new clothes and your haircut anyway, even if it's just to look for a job, so go and get them!

Go Primark, Vinted if you really want to go slow
Or just make a list of basics you NEED and shop around in the usual Next etc..

If your kids are “almost grown”, it’s time to get a full time job.

This is a very first world problem, OP.

He does say it is our money, so it’s not him gate keeping just my insecurity.

then you are being silly!

Sorry op but at this point it really is a you issue.
You tell him, he agrees but HE doesn't do anything to change it? How can he? He shouldn't be going and buying you clothes because you don't want to. He agrees it shared money. He doesn't discourage you.

If you need a lot of clothes and you don't want to spend thousands, why not pop around somewhere like the Supermarket clothes sections. Try some bits in basics.

A pair of jeans that fit. Some shirts. Skirts. Pair of shorts. Whatever.

My guesses are he won't notice the money, he possibly won't even notice the clothes but he will notice the change in your confidence

Basically, hard as it is, you need to shift from thinking dh should be making you feel more valued/growing your confidence, to owning that power yourself.

Depending what's happened in your life, working with a counsellor might help.

This is a ‘you’ issue. You cannot put this on him unless he is withholding money from you. He cannot validate you - you have to do this for. yourself.

Give yourself an allowance. You can supplement it by doing surveys, selling stuff, or babysitting if you don’t want to get a job. Put that money in a ‘me’ account and spend it on yourself.

Use Vinted to buy things similar to those you have seen in the shops at 20% of the price. Build up a wardrobe of things you love.

But do splash out on that good haircut.

This is all in your head and only you can fix it.