AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

Never in 30 years has my DH come shopping with me, thank the Lord. Even when I was an SAHM.
SAHM does not mean helpless.

And finally, go shopping by yourself. Nothing worse than going shopping with your DH or anyone else for that matter.

I'm going to recommend a book that I found very empowering. How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Its very good at helping you figure out how you want you life to be, and how to take next steps to get it there.

I did the same as you when I moved in with then dp now dh. Because I wasn't earning I didn't feel I could spend. Out of interest what was your parents' attitude to money and spending?

It sounds like you’re being a martyr! When you go shopping, he can go to the men’s bit and you go and choose stuff for you and then go to the till
together?

Unless there’s a drip feed where he refuses to let you buy anything!?

how old are your kids? Can you up your hours and work more?

Imagine if the husband was INSISTING she booked her haircut
He would be abusive for trying to change her or make her feel bad for her natural hair or whatever the usual brigade come up with.

You have to take responsibility for yourself at some point

Genuine question why should your husband change it, do you want him to go out and buy your clothes?

I certainly wouldn’t want my DH or even my friends buying my clothes. I don’t think they would make a bad attempt but it’s nicer to buy my own.
Just take yourself off for an afternoon around the shops and try on lots of things and see what you like.

Really?

what would your DH do in those circumstances?!

If it was my reluctance/fear of spending I know without a doubt mine would send me off with strict instructions to spend X amount/come home with three outfits.

or give me a gift voucher that I couldn’t not spend /spend on family stuff

or buy me clothes himself.

he absolutely would not be dragging me round a department store buying designer gear for himself whilst I was wearing clothes that were 5 times to big held up by a belt.

that’s absolutely shocking behaviour!

I don't think you have to rush out and find a full time job. The fact is you took a large chunk of the best years of your life to be a SHAM and missed out on career progression, etc. It probably will be difficult to get a reasonably paid full time job ? I'd maybe look for a higher paying part time job or stick with what you have because I'm guessing you still run the household/cook/clean without a lot of input from your husband and I'd you're a full time job, you'd still probably have to do it all. Would you husband be prepared to take on half of all that if you were working full time ?

Aside from buying yourself clothes that fit and going to the hairdresser, find yourself a hobby, something just for you whether it's an art class, an exercise class but do something, just for you.

Well done on the weight loss, enjoy it and enjoy shopping for a wardrobe or clothes that you love instead of buying something because it fits.

And my husband and I book our own haircuts - surely it's on you to sort a haircut if you want one?

First thing that jumps out at me: your husband does not sound like a really great guy, given you feel this way. At a BARE MINIMUM, he should be noticing and helping meet your needs - just as you do for him and your children.

What’s her husband done wrong, he’s given her full access ri money, agrees with her. It’s on her to actually buy clothes or get her hair done she’s not a child. He doesn’t need to do it for her.

Don't you keep some of your salary for yourself?

It doesn't sound like your husband is stopping you spending the money?

Start of buying a few bits for yourself and relearn that it is ok to buy not just essentials but things you want as well

Does he not give you enough money? This is the problem.....what happens if he suddenly dies, does he have a will? My husband just made a will, not much to leave me, humble chap but whatever

He’s a better person than I. If I had grown up kids and a partner who still didn’t work or worked very little I wouldn’t be sharing my money or buying them clothes and hair appointments. I’d tell them it’s high time to get a proper job and pay for themselves. Like a PP I don’t understand why women do this to themselves.

You seem to be blaming your husband and saying things don’t change but you’ve full access to money and doing it to yourself. You surely don’t want him to go And buy you clothes, or come with you to the hairdressers,

so if you want these things go and get them, you’ve the ability and stop blaming your husband for your own behaviour,

Start by getting properly fitted bras this week. Any other new clothes won't look good otherwise. Then go shopping with a friend, so they can fetch different sizes without you leaving the changing room. Maybe just start with new jeans, something you know you will wear a lot. Little steps, you are worth this but if you don't act like it nobody else will. If there's less money for DH's wardrobe he'll have to wear something he already owns.

His money is your money, doesn’t sound like he disagrees. I was like that for a while but looking back I should’ve seen my contribution as equal therefore my spending rights equal. Snap out of it, take some money, get yourself a haircut and a trip to town on your own for clothes. Life’s too short ffs

Why are you being such a martyr? For goodness sake go out, buy yourself some decent bras and clothes and get a proper haircut.

If your kids are almost grown and this is how you feel you need to work full time again. They can’t read minds and know that you want to buy more clothes or get a hair cut but won’t. This is a you problem I’m afraid.

Consider care. I work in care (supporting adults with learning disabilities) and I love it.
I've been looking for extra work and there are loads of care jobs advertised (if not a lot else).

Don't give up your current job if you like it, look for something additional to that.

I think looking to your husband as either the cause or the solution of how you are feeling is misplaced. Earn more money, spend some of it on yourself.

While he's been providing the money you have been raising the children and looking after the house, he is right you are a team and you have a perfect right to spend money on yourself and he's not stopping you. Bin all the too big clothes and go on a shopping trip, don't go mad but buy yourself some nice things, and get your hair done. You got into a habit when you were younger and probably funds were tight, those days are gone.

Yes I actually agree with the above. Your husbands reaction will be very telling. He may be a good man who just takes you for granted - alternatively, but hopefully not, he’s a selfish misogynist pig.

But it’s much harder to ignore or take advantage of a confident women who knows her self worth.

I’m afraid some responses on here have been quite harsh ignoring how ground down people can get by life and circumstances. I think most of us though are realty rooting for you and your happiness.

Why dont you use your extra time to study, learn a skill or something you would enjoy working in (and there are jobs). There are plenty of courses you can do online if youre not near to anything. But going to a campus is great for meeting people. That would help a lot with your self esteem. I know several people who have done various types of counselling courses in their later years, or gone into natural healthcare. You dont need the money, and there is enormous freedom in that. So pick something you love, and often money follows because your passion for it shines through.

And just start doing the thing. Book a haircut and some highlights too if youd like that. Buy the clothes you like. Order a pile of stuff (including bras ect) online try it all on and send back what you dont like. M&S have some nice summer bits this year. Once you start looking after yourself, you might find others 'see' you more too. And come back here if you do get pushback from DH, as thats a whole other problem. But at this stage from what youve said doesnt sound like an issue. What an exciting adventure youre about to begin.

What about YOURSELF? You keep talking about your husbands opinions. Your husband never pressured you? No, but perhaps you should put some pressure on yourself? Take responsibility. Stop making stupid excuses like a doormat they all eventually will get tired of because you are invisible. Wake up. Get a haircut and get a job. Any job. Just do it.

It’s reaching a fair bit to make out he’s at fault for not insisting!