AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

You deserve clothes that fit. If your household budget can cover designer clothes for him, it can stretch to new things for you. You need to start just shopping for them. Don't feel guilty. If it becomes apparent that the money isn't going far enough, then you and your husband can look at the situation and come up with a plan together, but the answer isn't to never buy anything for yourself.

Your husband may genuinely think you look nice when you ask, especially if he's used to seeing you dressed a certain way. It might be different if you changed from a smart, well-fitting outfit to something that was baggy and faded, with a clear and immediate contrast. It could be that he doesn't see clothes the same way you do, as well. Try not to take it personally that he doesn't insist you shop for yourself; just start shopping, because you need it. Shopping doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can still stick within a budget—but if he's spending lots of himself, I'd be less inclined to skimp too much when you do start buying clothes for yourself.

Go and speak to your husband and say, ‘I am wearing clothes 5 sizes too big and my bra doesn’t fit-I need to get some clothes. I just want to check that you don’t have any issues with me buying some stuff?’

Do you need him to go to ‘the big town’ with you-can you just go on your own?!

However this response is also harsh

shes weaponising it? Rubbish. The op is low on confidence and needs to feel worthy of looking after herself. It’s not his fault, but she’s not weaponising anything!

Why would she need to ask him how much she can spend? It's her money too. If OP knows how much is in their account and roughly what their outgoings are then surely she's capable of working out for herself what is reasonable.

Just a suggestion, but have you ever used Vinted to sell/buy?
I’ve gone though all my clothes/bags/shoes etc and sold stuff in decent condition that I no longer wear. (I lost weight too - so well done for that).
I’ve used the money to buy some lovely stuff, and it’s all ‘free’! Also helps the environment to give things another lease of life and prevent it ending up in landfill.

Oh cmon now. This is a woman who works, who has full access to money, a husband who supports her and lets her spend it if she wishes.

shes an adult. She has personal responsibility. She has clear confidence is back in the work place. This is a woman chosing to behave as she does and is weaponising it against her husband,

I agree with your first paragraph

your second has no basis in fact and is a pure leap

@centsandcentsilbilty OP stop martyring yourself. Pull yourself together, get a haircut and colour (if you want a colour) and go shopping for some new clothes that fit your new figure. At the very least get yourself a new, properly fitting bra! You will feel 100% better once you lose this 'poor little me' attitude. See it as an investment in yourself.

You’re reading about a woman who at best has lost all confidence and doesn’t believe she’s worthy of a bra that fits and a pair of jeans that doesn’t fall down.

At worst your reading about a woman who is being financially abused and has been made to feel worthless.

Either you’ve led a charmed life and have never experienced or witnessed a lack of confidence in a relationship or your bar is on the floor and you think a DH buying designer gear whilst his wife feels unable to purchase underwear is ok.

either way coming on a post and ridiculing the advice being given to a woman who is struggling is shitty behaviour.

If you have access to the joint account and your husband is on board with you buying stuff, why aren't you? It sounds like you're waiting for your husband to do something About it? Why?
I was mostly a SAHP whilst my kids were small and now work a whole lot less than my husband.
But I do the majority of the housework/childcare whilst I'm not at work but he is.
Our money is joint - he earns way more cash than me, but I work bloody hard in the house, so feel absolutely no guilt in spending it.
Clothes 4/5 sizes too large must look ridiculous. Go shopping tomorrow. Book a haircut now.
You'll feel so much better.

What do you know about family finances? Perhaps if you had a total view it would reassure you that you can spend money. Also pension planning and savings do you know what the future holds?

Each spouse should have access to guilt free money. Start looking at the joint income and see what's possible. Your approach is quite child like but it requires you to decide to step up.

Okay, let's change your thinking.

You stayed at home to raise your joint children so you "saved" childcare costs, you "saved" non paid leave taken due to illness or medical appointments. You "saved" your DH from leaving work early to deal with the children which ensured he got promotions and wage rises. His career did not stagnate because you were there to deal. How much did he "save" because of that?

Once the children went to school I assumed you carried on doing the majority of the housework and laundry and shopping etc. That means you "saved" getting a cleaner in, or gardener, or afterschool clubs or holiday clubs. How much would it have cost your husband hourly to do half of what you did if you had gone back to ftw?

Now add up all those saved household costs. You are entitled to spend some of it on yourself.

As pp suggested, decide with DH on a set amount a month for you to spend on yourself. Ideally the same amount he spends on designer gear. You've earned it.

Edit
Pp made a valid point - are you/he paying your NI stamps for your state pension? These stop once your last child reaches the age of 12 years. Go to gov.uk and check your status, don't rely on his pension.

I think you need to “claim” what you want. Your DH isn’t going to coax you into buying clothes or a haircut. If there is something you want - ask for it. Directly. It seems unfair that you are expecting him to take responsibility for your wants and needs. If he wants or needs something - he gets it! He probably assumes you would do the same. This feels like a self made prison. Set yourself free and book that haircut!

You have full access to the money in the joint account and you say your husband doesn’t restrict your spending?

Short of going out and buying clothes for you, what do you actually want here.

Stop being a martyr and go buy some clothes.

You've got access to money and you won't spend it, that's your issue. Not your husband's. Why are you looking for him to do everything for you? Even down to buying your clothes for you? You're a sahm not a child.
Why would you wear clothes 5 sizes too big, you can go to Sainsbury's and get a whole new wardrobe for £200. Buy a bra when you do the food shop. You don't need a big family shopping trip to a distant city.
If you really don't like spending your husband's money you need to get more of a job or start selling things.

How? Buy her clothes for her??

Op, I’ll be honest, if my husband walked about in clothes several sizes too big, didn’t get his hair cut, had full access to money, I even went shopping with him , told him it wasn’t right, told him he had to get stuff and he then still didn’t and blamed me, whilst playing the martyr, I’d be furious.

OP you need to re read @SlightlyAjar post again as it’s spot on! Stop looking for excuses or other people’s approval. Do a course and up skill, then you’ll have more chance of finding a job with better pay and more hours. You need to get your mojo back and yes that includes spending some money on yourself such as new clothes and a haircut. You can’t be wearing clothes that are 4 sizes too big after weight loss, that’s not good for your mental health. It’s time to invest in yourself now as you’ve put everyone else first for years.

You’re reading posts that are determined to make the man somehow at fault, whatever the mental twists and turns that requires

But in this case - as the OP has described - it means a loss of confidence.

and her family - again as described in her OP - do go shopping together.

so in those circumstances it would not be unreasonable for her DH to show a bit of love and consideration and ensure her needs are met.

what am I reading 😂

Wow. Supportive of a person who is feeling very down and worthless.

Many couples agree that the family is happier and works better for everyone where one works part time out of the home or not at all. That is on the basis that the home parent is contributing at least equally in other ways. If that’s what’s agreed the home parent is certainly not taking advantage and should have equal access to all family money etc.

Frankly there are many careers where a part time working parent is a necessity in the absence of wider family / grandparent support unless you’re prepared to have day and night time external childcare.

If this is what’s agreed most sensible individuals will understand that it may be subsequently difficult or take a while for the home partner to pick up a full time high earning role once the children are older. That needs to be built into the calculation.

Good grief, help meet her needs, you mean he has to buy her clothes and book her hair cuts??

A decent partner who loves and cares for her would realise that her reluctance is born out of a lack of confidence/misplaced guilt that it is not her money and actively encourage her to ensure that as a minimum her basic needs are met.

This is the man who lives and cherishes her above all else not her bloody flatmate

Whikst I sort of agree about adopting the self sacrificing persona, I don’t think working FT is the answer.

The answer is in making small steps and buying the stuff you need. In treating yourself tge way you treat your dh or your dcs.
Youre right thry don’t see it. Why should they? You’re doing it to yourself.
But working FT won’t change whether you are feeling ‘worthy’ enough or not. That’s an excuse, not a reason iyswim.

So start by buying the clothes you need. They don’t have to be on the sale rack either. But clearly, the ones you have don’t fit so tell your dh ‘since I’ve lost weight, most of the clothes I have don’t fit. I’m going to buy some new ones’.
Thats it.
Then do it. One thing at the time. One thing you REALLY like rather than ‘that will do and it’s cheap’.

How deserving/‘worthy’ peoole see you is often a reflection of how good and deserving you feel you are.