AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

Okay, if you could wave a magic wand what is the outcome you would like?

New clothes and a hair dresser appointment? Him to act interested in this?
Your confidence back?
a monthly allowance?
a full time job so you can buy whatever you like?

sometimes you can overthink things, you can worry about this this go get your hair, nails and outfits and not be that fussed after all or that you wish you’d just done it sooner, the sooner you crack on and do things that are bothering you the sooner you realise that maybe you want other things, fancy starting a new hobby? Or doing a hobby with your husband? Or going new places with him? See your friends more? Etc etc I’m sure if you say I need £1000 for a new wardrobe and a spa day and the hair dressers - he will let you and if he doesn’t sell his clothes with the new tags on on Vinted and use that money instead! Joking! Or save up your part time job money xxx

Have you sat down and worked out how much is spent on (for example) husbands clothes that it sounds like he doesn’t need if he’s still got tags on things?
I would do a full workout of finances. Add it up what’s unnecessary for others. Then say at the start of next month, I’m spending the (eg £300) on clothes for me/hair cut whatever, You guys don’t need anything this month…take the money out of the account and spend it only on yourself. Take control. Your contribution has been bringing up the children and home. Money isn’t the only contribution to make.

It sounds like you've lost all confidence in yourself. If you go out shopping with your husband just go look in the Womens section while he browses in the Mens & if you see something you like buy it. Little things like this will help you build up your self esteem & get you back to loving yourself & feeling good about yourself. You deserve it just as much as your husband & kids. It's easy to lose yourself when you have kids & even harder to remember who you were before kids as they get older & don't need you as much. You get so used to putting them first & yourself second. Treat yourself when you feel a little down. Doesn't have to be a big spend just something small like a new lipstick or perfume or even just a bar of chocolate. Just something for you without the guilty feelings of spending on yourself. Book an appointment for a hair cut & colour. You'll be amazed at how good it'll make you feel & will be a great pick me up. Then go buy a new pair of jeans & new underwear, a good fitting bra always feels special. Speak to your Husband about how you're feeling & hopefully he'll reassure you.

She had access to money, full access to a joint account.

I work & my DH works, and working out finances with him is an unmitigated nightmare.

The OP’s DH sounds like a dream in comparison, he literally told her to work away.

It’s not always as black & white as money equals power and if it was one wonders why anyone would be a SAHM.

Buy new bra & under wear, it will make you feel better.

Get your hair cut, it will make you feel better.

You earn PT & obviuosly contribute to the running of the household

Go shopping without your family

This!!! Just do it. It will open their eyes and they’ll see you as you used to be. They probably think you aren’t bothered with the same old hair and clothes day in and day out. Just make a hair appointment and go. Trust the hairdresser. Once you’ve made that change, you will want to go shopping and switch up your wardrobe more than ever. Just do it and enjoy every minute. To quote a well-known ad, you are worth it!

This is a you issue.

I get it though. My daughter is 3, until I had her I had no issues going in a shopping spree for myself. Now I do struggle. I also just work part time, my wage covers 2 thirds of the bills and husband pays rest. He gives me money as I need/want it. (Self employed so we only take out what we need rather than a set wage). He recently gave me £300 to go out to with my girl friends to get new clothes. I’ve lost weight and don’t have much that fits. I bought a couple of bits for me, but got stuff for my daughter that she didn’t really need and some aftershave for my husband. When I got home he was like why!!!!

If you want to buy something, buy it. It’s not your husband’s responsibility to make you feel better about spending money on yourself.

It’s hard to say what’s happening here without seeing it play out.

It might be that you have internalised the frugality of all those early years trying to make ends meet, and that all the spending guilt is in you. When you said that the item wasn’t on sale, were you waiting for your husband to tell you it was okay to buy? To kind of give permission or encouragement? He might not have realised that.

It might be, however, that your husband is discouraging your spending. You don’t say this is happening, however.

You say you’ve spoken about the issue with your husband but nothing changes. Are you waiting for him to do or say something? He’s probably waiting for you to go ahead and spend.

i think perhaps you do a monthly budget, and you including in it ‘£X each for spending/ clothes/whatever’, then you have cash you know is put aside for your own stuff.

Agree with this
Like it or not, money means you have power and choices.

But this is all your choice OP! Sorry but it’s so tedious when grown adults behave this way. You need to prioritise yourself instead of passively waiting for someone else to do it and then whining about it.

It is about mismatched earnings. Sadly all the work you have put in all these past years (like so many other women) has been 'unpaid employment ' . You didn't just work part-time/ become a SAHM for your kids, it also allowed your DH to focus on his work and progress therein, hence his current secure financial position....you facilitated it, yet try saying that to him in so many words and it will fall on deaf ears.
You mentioned kids are grown up...strongly advise you to invest in your own financial growth now- get trained up, get a full-time job and earn your own money...and spend it.
It will do wonders for your self esteem, self confidence and self respect. Respect from others will be a sweet side effect.
Try it.
Best wishes from someone who is doing just that right now- it's bloody awesome and empowering.

Echoing others, you are the only person who is stopping you.

What are your hobbies OP? If none, and many women have none, what do you enjoy doing? Reading? Painting? Sport? Walking in the countryside? Theatre? Cinema? Whatever it is, please get out there and do more of it.

OP if you're stil reading, a couple of ideas for helping you to get used to treating yourself better:

Make an appointment at a decent salon to get your hair cut and coloured for a week's time and then tell your DH that you have. You aren't asking his permission, but your changing the default so you can see it as approval when he doesn't tell you it's a bad idea. Then go to the appointment!

On a similar vein, arrange a shopping day with a friend who will be supportive of you updating your wardrobe. Tell your DH you're going and expect to spend £500/a couple of thousand/whatever is a similar amount to what he's spent over the last 6 months when you've bought virtually nothing. And when he nods agreement, you can see it as approval and feel okay about going out and spending it.

I'm not suggesting this because I think you need your DH to approve, but because you have difficulty feeling it's okay and I think this will help you get to the point where that's easier. Equally doing this shopping without him there is important because you feel that if he isn't pushing you to buy he disapproves and this takes away the opportunity for you to feel that (non-existent!) disapproval.

When you've bought something, wear it! Look at yourself in the mirror and admire yourself. Encourage yourself to enjoy what you've bought. try not to look to your DH for his admiration (though I hope he does admire it). You need to build up your ability to rely on yourself for approval.

And good luck!

I think OP has self esteem problems not shopping or money problems....

so what was the point of the thread? It was all your mindset and still is

Snap out of this mind set immediately. You are deserving of a bra that fits, a salon cut and color and some nice clothes! Regularly! Jeez, have you ever sat down and worked out how much the in-sourcing of childcare, plus cleaning, ironing etc has saved you over the years?
Get out there and shop!

I get my hair done at the local college. They always do a great job. Cut and blowdry is £14. Check Vinted for new clothes, I get stuff with labels still on at a fraction of the retail price.

Get onto the free Melissa Murrell stylist posts and start looking at these. Don’t be ashamed. I went through this phase. It’s part putting everyone else in the family first and part not earning the main money somehow feeling you shouldn’t spend. You need to make yourself feel and look better to continue to have the stamina to care for everyone. Well done for the weight loss. Now enjoy.

It sounds like you have lost your confidence and need to invest in yourself a bit more. Forget about using your salary for treats for the family for a few months since you say overall as a family you are comfortable and use your money to treat yourself. What’s stopping you from booking a hair appointment? So what if it’s a box dye if the colour makes you feel good. Millions of women use box dyes they are no more than £10 why would you feel guilty about that. Why not go shopping on your own so you can spend a few hours concentrating on yourself and what clothes you like, try things on and buy what you want whether or not it’s in the sale. It’s seems you need new things anyway because of the weight loss. Take yourself for a coffee or lunch and get back to being you. Does your DH make you feel as though you don’t deserve or shouldn’t buy nice things for yourself as you were SAHM or now earn less than him ? or are these your own views? You seem to put a lot of emphasis on what your DH says or thinks even when you think differently. You might need to start operating from a place of what you think and feel about yourself and what will make you happy rather than placing more importance on others opinions.

This is what I wanted to ask. Surely if you were a stay at home mum (which benefits everyone fyi, so you don't "owe" anyone anything) you had access to spending money for shopping etc??

EDIT After seeing your updates.

Girl, go out and buy some outfits that fit and you feel good in. You have contributed to your family just as much, just in different ways and you need to value yourself.
Your hubby sounds clueless rather than mean, so stop waiting for him to notice and know your worth.
(Sending big hugs also, cos I know it's hard to break habits that have gotten hold of you)

your DH and DC love you just as you are, that’s why they don’t think anything needs to change. You have every right to spend money from your joint account, because what you contribute to the household is priceless, the actual money is irrelevant. Go and get that new hairstyle and some nice new clothes. The whole household will benefit from having a happier wife and mother. We are all in charge of our own happiness and self esteem

If your wages allow for treats here and there then the next time you get paid tell your husband you’ll be treating yourself this month. Get to the salon and then to the shops. By yourself and look after you for a day. Everyone else will survive. Be nice to yourself ❤️❤️❤️

@TotalBaloney It is. And I'm saying she should be using the money that she earns to treat herself and not feel guilty about it 😀

This is a self worth issue. Being a SAHM doesn't make you worthless - just because you aren't bring in £££s doesn't mean you are insignificant. You have raised children, kept a home, been everything to everyone.

I, for other reasons, have always struggled to spend money on myself. But I literally decided when I turned 50 that i'm getting my hair cut and coloured every 6 weeks and if I need new clothes I will buy them!

My OH is a big spender on his hobbies, I also wanted to paddleboard so I just did it - nearly gave myself a coronary but spent £600 on a board just for me!

You have to give yourself value. Noone else is going to get you a hair appointment or buy you clothes - you need to just do it.