AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

Time to grey rock.
Short answers to to his messages and threats such as:
Noted
Acknowledge
I'll keep that in mind.
You are welcome to think that.
Interesting take, noted.
OK
Mmmhmmm
Right!?
(Or no response if its not needed at all.)

Don't use any kind of emotive language, one word answers of yes and no (or similar to above)

So glad you have your foster parents and friends to support you. Sorry this is happening, and hope things get better soon. C-section recovery is hard enough without all this!

I’ve read your replies to all comments and I most wanted to say you are incredibly strong, and your baby is so lucky to have you as their mama!

I’m very thankful you have support from your foster mum and dad and your friends rallying around you.

We’re all here for you too and you are doing so brilliantly in the midst of all this shit. You should be taking it easy with your baby but instead you are doing everything you can to have a safe future.

Please keep us updated when you can

@RudaRudoRude

I was panicking because now I trust nothing.With the messages he’s sent I feel like I don’t know him at all and everything has been a lie.

Lovely, you don't know him, or rather, who he is now. My esDH (estranged DH) and I were together nearly 40 years (married 38) and the man he is now is a complete stranger to me having done and said things that I never would have expected of him.

I know who he was completely. I could have told you with assurance what he would have done or how he would have acted in any situation. But now? Not so much. I don't trust him to deal with me honestly or 'with honour'. And so I treat him and his words with suspicion and a strong sense of self-preservation. And when he cries "But you know me!!" I reply "Not now I don't".

So trust nothing, expect the unexpected or even the unthinkable. Better to be happily surprised than bitterly disappointed.

Op I think it will get to a point where you realise he isn’t who you thought. Yes he has lied and pretended. If he chose you over his mum he would have tried to come back by now. They probably called the police so it is on record. If he wants contact with your child I would ask social services for supervised contact due to his and his mums behaviour. It will get to a point where you realise you are so much better off without him. Try and take a day at a time and enjoy your lovely baby.

So glad you can see that.

If you haven’t already, write all that down so you can remind future you when you’re having a wobble.

You are a real survivor! leave him to his mum. Sounds like the others in his family know what they’re like too. Good riddance!

It really can take a while to see someone’s true self, and even then we never really do sometimes, but also, the sad reality is it also sometimes takes the change in personal circumstances for it to really come into focus. It can all too easily hide and/or be explained away by other things, also, some people rise to the challenge, some fold. Sounds like he didn’t really have it in him, you were the driving force. You may appreciate not having to carry him too once you’re more settled.

(A bit like we need to live on our own to truly realise the mess we make! Otherwise that butter knife randomly left out was from the other person, no? 😉 😂 )

Sounds like you have great friends and family! It is a hot air, he will live to regret this when he sees you moving on and flourishing. I stayed with a toxic partner when I was your age, I amazed at how strong you are given your background, you should be so so proud of yourself, wish I’d been stronger to do the same x

So sorry for what you're going through OP. I really wouldn't worry about the possibility he could get full custody, the bar is incredibly high for that and you've got all the evidence in your favour (of him just going off whenever he feels like it, threatening and harassing you etc).

If you have to go in person, and he was so far away that he couldn’t possibly come to see if you and the baby were ok but had to send the police, what sort of organisation would it take for him to have gone ahead and got an appointment before yours, and presumably registered him yesterday or today?

It sounds really unlikely - or if he really did do that then this was all planned in advance by them. Which TBF sounds unlikely to me.

So I think (hope!) that you’re overthinking this particular aspect of things. I mean, I know exactly why you would do that - I’m an over thinker myself, and this has been such a crazy series of events, so I’m sure you’ll have that niggle in your mind until you get it done. But logically I think it has to be ok.

Plus, what could he do really except give him a name you really didn’t want? Was that a possibility before this all blew up?

You usually have to make an appointment to register baby (we did) and needs to be in your local authority. But if you’re married then yes, he can register without you or baby present.

What I would just say is that he can apply to the courts to be added- just because you don’t add him now doesn’t mean he won’t be granted PR at a later date. The courts would grant this so just consider your own feelings against what is right for your child in terms of identity and so on, it could also be seen as a deliberate attempt to cause division etc - I know he’s a twat etc but I just want to be clear that it may not matter if you add him now, he can be given PR later.

however, if you’re planning on divorcing I would be registering my baby with my maiden name (or whatever name I planned on using in the future) that shit can’t be changed quite so easily …..

@RudaRudoRude technically I think he could have as you are married and I don’t think you have to have any documentation to do so other than ID. However, he would have only had the opportunity to do this yesterday so seems unlikely and registrars can ask to see baby’s red book which I’m guessing you have.

Before all of this had you both agreed on names? If you are going to change your surname after divorce (if you changed it when getting married) you might want to consider a double barrel name.

As they are married he will automatically be assumed to be the father. I don't think there is any point in pretending otherwise and she will need child maintenance from him.

I'm so sorry your life has blown up in this way. NONE of this is your fault.

You have been incredibly strong. Keep taking any and all support offered to you, including by the police. And remember that you are the most important person in your baby's life, and that in order to look after him, you need to look after yourself too (which includes letting others look after you).

This but you need to do it ASAP or he will be able to do it without you.

I have no advice but after reading this entire thread I just wanted to say I’m so glad you have got rid of the toxic pair, she sounds vile and he sounds completely under her control! It probably all feels completely overwhelming at the moment but it sounds like you have your head screwed on and some good support (fm & d).
You WILL be ok, I promise. I was left with a toddler and a new born and 17 years later we are doing great, my DDs are fab and I can’t deny it’s been hard at times but I wouldn’t have it any other way! Good luck ❤️

It may help to read all the OP’s posts….

Thank you,that's insane in this day and age
He who must be obeyed the FIL.

@RudaRudoRude Your MIL is an evil controlling witch & your DH is a pathetic mummy’s boy who is clearly showing no regard for you. I’d be questioning staying with him once you’re fit & strong again.

The marriage was because FIL insisted. Baby’s out of wedlock doesn’t happen in their family.

Ah that’s wonderful news! Well done fd!! (And fu) All more in your favour. Great idea with SW too.

Totally! It’s a massive shock! The rugs been pulled out from under your feet. That’ll take a bit of getting your head around, and you’ll grieve for a future you thought you were going to have too, that’s only natural.

However, you’ve also massively, (and quickly hence the shock element), escaped a horrible future you were absolutely going to have, hold that in mind too!!

Also, interesting point another poster raised, not to block them so they can give you more evidence against them. Maybe see what SW suggests. The skill there is to ignore the abuse, don’t let it get to you, and make sure any responses are only rational, on topic etc.. don’t get drawn into their way.

We’re all thinking of you and yours!