AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

DH problem and MIL problem. Your main issue is the DH. If he’s doing this when you’ve just had your first baby together, it’s not going to get any better. Sorry. I don’t really have any advice except prepare for it to get worse and him always to put you and your child last. My DH wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that but my MIL would have been the first one to tell her son to look after the family he’s created as a priority.

I don't mean to be rude but is he special needs?

It sounds like he can't do anything without his parents telling him what to do first? It's like he passes every big decision onto them?

I mean, I would ring him and say the doctor has said complete bedrest and that you need someone to look after you and the baby based on medical advice - so unfortunately he needs to come home immediately.

Seems your husband hasn't cut the embolic cord

Please tell your foster Mum, hopefully she is close enough to come visit and help out a bit.

It sounds like your DH hasn’t cut the apron strings/ they leave & cleave bit of the marriage vows.

I would not be giving his manipulative mother the satisfaction and would call him, get him home. He needs to step up and care for his wife and child.

Family first, always. By family I mean you, husband and baby. You're MIL meeds to back off and your husband needs to grow a backbone. You deserve a medal OP! Take care xx

So he went with Mummy on a family holiday when you were nearly 8 months pregnant and ill? As well as swanning off to another event at her beck and call now. He is no decent partner to you, and has obviously never cut ties to his horrible mother. Sorry OP, that is so awful, and the worst of timings to find this out. Get help and support wherever you can now, and when he is back give him both barrels and tell him he needs to change his priorities, or else. Hope you are OK right now.💗

With the first I was basically in bed recovering for 6 weeks per doctor’s instructions. The second was more invasive as it was an extremely complicated c-section. The doctor just told me to get on with life as I have a baby to take care of

That’s extremely odd and reminiscent of several decades ago where many people died of post surgical blood clots because bed rest was enforced/encouraged. It either isn’t true or your surgeon was negligent and needs to be struck off. These days, as we know better, you are encouraged to be up and about as soon as you have properly come out of the anaesthetic. You shouldn’t be picking up anything heavier than your baby after abdominal surgery, but 6 weeks in bed is asking for complications.

thankfully my husband knew better and treated both surgeries as serious

That’s great he knew better than the surgeon. Why they wasted their time with that training is baffling. Given your husband knows better, has he considered applying for the job officially so he can spread his gift far and wide?

Yes you are.

and sadly it doesn’t surprise me in the least you used to he a midwife

Sorry I think he is out of line. Shame he didn't think so.

At Royal Shrewsbury Hospital?

Yet you are acting like one. As a retired midwife you should know full well that no birth, and no recovery are ever the same for every mother.
Im glad you didnt deliver any of my babies!!

What a nasty bully she is.

Was she abusive to him when he was a child? Is he perhaps afraid of how she will react if he doesn't pander to her every whim?

And what do his grandparents feel about his having been coerced into attending their special wedding anniversary weekend? If I were them I would be asking searching questions about where you and the baby were and how you were; I haven't read every reply, only yours, so I don't know if anyone has asked whether they are his mother's parents or his father's parents and where his father is in all this.

It's worrying that he's so keen to put mummy ahead of you and baby's needs and this is likely to be a long-term thorn in your relationship. I'd bear in mind long term that you can not rely on him and factor that into planning things like returning to work and career progression.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to still need support 3 weeks after major abdominal emergency surgery with a new baby in the mix. It took me 3 weeks before I could safely carry DS on the stairs because prior to that I needed both hands on the wall/ bannister for stability. I remember being exhausted after a 2-3 hour car journey at 6 weeks just from sitting in the passenger seat.
Any other similar surgery is taken seriously as needing a recovery period, yet birth isn't despite the added layers of hormones and baby care to make it harder.

Be kind to yourself OP. Use your foster mum and friends for support. It's not weak to use your network, it's strength.

I had 2 emergency sections under GA - due to complications I was in hospital for 10 days with both of them. My husband would never have left me for a celebratory weekend, 3 weeks after delivery. He did have to go back to work quite soon afterwards, but that’s different!

I’ve had two c/s.

The first was a ‘elective’ one for placenta praevia, so general, second was emergency with spinal block.

I bounced back far more quickly with the spinal block and was out after 5 days.

General I was in for 8 days, as there had been a few complications. And it too me probably about 5/6 weeks to feel normal after the first c/s, whereas the second one probably about 3/4.

I didn’t always particularly agree with MIL, but had dh left me for a family party, 3 weeks after a c/s, for a weekend, she’d have sent him home, with a slapped backside unable to sit down for a week. She was always said to respect your wife as they are the mother of your children!

How far away is he? He should have just gone for the day, not a whole weekend.

Wow, that's bad, both him & MIL.

He needs to cut the apron strings, as they say. Leaving you is neglectful and cruel. You and your baby are his priority, not his mother & extended family.

You dont need any excuse- you had a baby and a major op 3 weeks ago and he should have stayed with you to help and look after you. Really disappointing from him. Hope youre ok xx

You had a major abdominal surgery. It is the only such surgery where society just expects to get up and not focus on recovery.

I had two very similar uterine surgeries one year apart. With the first I was basically in bed recovering for 6 weeks per doctor’s instructions. The second was more invasive as it was an extremely complicated c-section. The doctor just told me to get on with life as I have a baby to take care of.

thankfully my husband knew better and treated both surgeries as serious. Yours should too. He should be doting on you so that all you have to do is care for the baby. He may be forced to go to work because the family needs money, but outside of that, he needs to be there until you recover physically.

Can all these “after 3 weeks you should be coping” people just fuck off? It’s not a competition and everyone’s experiences are different. An emergency c section is major surgery to recover from. Hell even with a vaginal delivery I was still in bits 3 weeks later after my first baby…and add to this the lack of sleep and a brand new human to look after for the first time it can definitely be tough going.

Have you ever had an emergency C Section? If not then you have no right to judge another woman’s needs.

*post partum