AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

This will not end well. He absolutely should not have gone and it doesn’t bode well for your relationship or his role as a father that he did. If the message sender is genuine, then mil is a horror as well. Talk to your partner about it and hope he can see the error of his ways and doesn’t give any credence to his crazy mother’s stupid comments. I’m afraid you might be for a lifetime of unhinged behaviour from and mummy’s boy nonsense from him.

You urgently need to go for therapy. That all sounds very messed up. For you to get pregnant after 4 years being together should be something that is a possibility and the logical thing should have been to get married. It looks like the family have poisoned your husband against you apart from the person you mentioned who gave you the heads up. A partner should not walk off and behave like this at a very vulnerable time in your life. Good luck!

Hang on, your baby is 3 weeeks old, born 3 weeks early so this big celebration would have been when your baby was due, assuming it’s as big as you say then it would have been planned in advance so your husband shouldn’t have made any plans to go as potentially you could have still been pregnant,
either way, I’d be fuming if I was you.
I would also not be to worried unless you had concerns your husband would leave you?
but not coping with a 3 weeks old after a emergency c section isn’t going to fly even if he did go for custody.
so even if the messsge sender is accurate, your MIL is just a busy body witch. Your husband need to get a back bone with her asap!

Everyone is different, I was in pain throughout my body for months and needed physio, it’s major surgery, it’s very normal to have pain in first 6 weeks

And here we go, woman gives birth and is expected to be superwomen. Women sadly are the worst and judgemental. I noticed this when I had my first child and got together with NCT group, mums would comment about other mums who needed help, had help from their mum. They considered them pathetic and failures. Nice eh?

1. Your husband should not have been making any social arrangements from 38 weeks - 4 weeks post partum. Anything further on than that should have been a “we will see how we’re doing”
2. You not wanting to sleep in a hotel with a 3 week old will never be a reason to lose custody
3. Wanting support at 3 weeks postpartum is normal and not a sign of not coping
4. your husband is the abnormal one for leaving his 3 week old baby
5. Your MIL is a piece of work
6. Follow FM’s guidance. She sounds wonderful and if things did go to custody hearings etc, a fab person to have in your corner and to evidence in your child’s life as another (after you) stable supportive figure

Please please leave this toxic man now, before he has the chance to mistreat you any further.

Where is his concern for the baby, sending you upsetting messages through the night when you are recovering and caring for a little one?

These are bad people, OP. Take this opportunity to decide where you want to live and just go if it's not where you currently are. That way you won't be tied to an area for shared residency.

Don't have him back and make an appointment with a solicitor while your foster mum is still with you. I'm so glad you have her.

"I’ve had streams of texts from him and his mum overnight. I’m a troublemaker, manipulative, I’m evil, a liar, I trapped him. "
Nope. You sound lovely. You didn't trap him, he's an adult with his own free will.

"I’m from a dysfunctional family so I don’t know how family works."
I'm sorry you had a difficult time as a kid and as someone who also didn't have an ideal upbringing it is tough. However, you had a brilliant foster mum and our past doesn't have to determine our future. Frankly his family sounds very dysfunctional!

"All these things. And they said I should have been greatful he has stuck around, he could have left when I said I was pregnant."
Rubbish. You don't need to be grateful for anyone's love, care or respect and you don't need to forgive his shitty behaviour now because of anything he's done right in the past. Honestly, he doesn't sound a great catch himself! You can reframe it, he's lucky you've stuck around this far.

Listen to your foster mum, she sounds very wise and supportive. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

So sorry op. Listen to your fm. Concentrate on your baby. They don’t matter.

I'm so sorry OP. This should be such a happy time for you with your new baby. You should absolutely not have to deal with this level of vitriol from the person who should care about you the most. Itis great that you have such a loving and supportive foster Mum x

Sceenshots those before they delete them.

I don't think you should allow him back into your house.

I think those texts are enough for you to involve the police.

Your foster mum is a witness on your behalf.

Please ring for emergency support from your local medical team.

He and his family are 100% abusive and I wouldn't trust him not to hurt you.

He is a bad man, from a bad family.

You desperately need Women's aid and a domestic abuse charity to advocate and support you.

No relationship should make you feel uncared for op. To leave you when you’ve just had a baby is poor behaviour. It sounds like his mum is the manipulative one. Most decent mums would want their grandchild to grow up in a loving home not be pushing him constantly to think about leaving. That is not normal behaviour. Take one day at a time op but remember you are worth more than this.

Your fm is correct and a wise and great person.

You will be ok on your own you good friends and your Ffamily. You will recover from your c-section which will help so much.

💐

DH and MiL are being abusive bullies at your time of greatest vulnerability.
I imagine your DH has had a lifetime of being brainwashed by his DM and has learnt to be a master manipulator like her. He's showing himself in a very bad light indeed. He should be with you, caring for you and the baby, and standing up for his family - the three of you - against his horrible mother.
You may not have much experience of how loving families work, because you weren't lucky enough to be brought up in one. But you have proved that you're perfectly capable of forming good relationships. Your colleagues, neighbours and FM are all keen to help, presumably because they like and care about you. Make the most of that and shut your ears to your MiL's snide comments.
See if you can join a new mums group locally and talk to the health visitor about any other support you can get.
Sounds like you're going amazingly, under very difficult circumstances and when you're physically still recovering.
💐

@RudaRudoRude

He has fully become abusive towards you now. I honestly wouldn't be letting him back home now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially post c section with a newborn. Lots of support here, and lean on friends and your foster mum too.

He is treating you terribly and you absolutely do not deserve those comments. You are recovering from major emergency surgery and caring for a tiny newborn.

So glad you have your foster mum helping you. Send him a factual message telling him to stop messaging you unless it is to discuss picking up his things. He can stay with his mother.

No chance he will get custody. Usual arrangements with tiny babies are living with the mother and regular, short visits with dad. As the child gets older, the visits get longer and may eventually go to 50:50 but this would usually be some years off. This also assumes he keeps committed and doesn't pose a risk to the child.

Your foster mum sounds wise and kind. Listen to her.

His behaviour and his Mum, it isnt normal. Its not ok.

You said last night the house is in your name. That’s good, tell him now he can stay with his mum because he isn’t welcome in the house. Then contact (or ask your foster mum to) the landlord and ask him for permission to change the locks (or change them then let them know)

you need to be strong for you and the baby as hard as it is. Let your foster mum and friends support as much as possible

Just wanted to come on here to say I'm so pleased you have listened to other poster's advice OP. You are doing the right thing and you are doing so well. I keep checking this post because I felt so horrified at how your DP and his mum were treating you

Your foster mum is right about keeping the evidence. I hope you've also photographed or taken a screenshot of the messages between your husband and his mother on the iPad?

What a wonderful supportive FM you have! Listen to her. She is spot on.

Your marriage is over. You have more than enough evidence to show what a nasty piece of work your DH is.

The fact his mother has joined in shows how toxic this situation is.

Sending you support!

I’m so sorry OP. You’re very vulnerable and don’t deserve to be treated like this.

There’s no point thinking about the why at this point. Why H or MIL behaves like this doesn’t matter. Concentrate on the what and how.

it sounds like your marriage is over so what do you need in the next few days, then weeks, then months.

Starting point is it sounds like you need him to leave. Is there someone who can support with this? (I.e. be present when he collects his belongings) Do you have access to money? Do you have a friend you can talk to, someone who might be able to pop in and give you a break - even if it’s 10 mins to jump in shower? Is your FM able to provide regular support?

Don’t be afraid to ask. People will want to help

Screenshot all the texts - this is now evidence of harassment.

I would send a 'cease and desist' message to both of them, saying that you do not appreciate such abusive communications and any further such messages will be considered harassment.

Report it to the police and tell them you are afraid for your and your baby's safety.

Get urgent legal advice re your husband - what notice, if any, do you need to give him to move out, or can you just change the locks as it's your house and send his stuff to his mother's house.

This is so awful that they are treating you like this when you are so vulnerable. But there are things you can do to protect yourself and your baby.

Listen to your foster mum. Dont reply. Ignore. They are the problem, not you. They are disgusting excuses for humans.

You said the house is in your name only, good. Ask your FM to help you pack his stuff and he can go back to Mummy permanently. File for divorce.