AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

OP you should be so proud of yourself 💐

Mum comes first.
That's his priority: his mum

If you can't live with that (and I wouldn't!) tell him to get to fuck.

Just read your update!

Well done!

I realise this is incredibly sad and hard but you will look back and feel so so proud of yourself. You've dodged years of suffering and your baby will not grow up watching you struggle with all of this. And you've ruined nothing.

You are an absolute hero. You’re so strong and brave and I’m immensely pleased you have the wonderful support you deserve from your fm and friend. You’re a brilliant mum, your baby is lucky to have you.

This 👆

Well done OP, you should be super proud of yourself.

And you've not ruined the anniversary, your husbands and MiL's behaviour has.

Goodness me, you are so not in the wrong. Sending you a huge hug 💐

I haven’t read the thread yet but bloody hell OP I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion that the baby might be better off with the person who’s left you alone post major surgery, because you feel like you might struggle on your own post major surgery! What kind of twisted mind thinks that? Vile.

You have major DH issues unfortunately, with a double whammy of major DH-family issues.

"I’ve ruined his grandparents anniversary now and I’m awful for that."
No, @RudaRudoRude, he and his mother ruined his grandparents’ anniversary by not doing the right thing by putting you and (both) your baby first.
Congratulations on your strength and determination, I am glad your foster mother is helping you and you are feeling more confident about things. I hope you continue to feel better and that the baby’s colic improves soon. You are coping wonderfully and I think you are doing the right things. Good luck with everything and enjoy your lovely baby.

I have been thinking of you OP and I hope you're ok.

Someone else made the very good point that your baby has two parents. So you should have the support of the other parent because caring for him is a shared responsibility. Asking the other parent for help (that was not even given) could not possibly be considered a reason to give the care of the child to the other parent.

Your foster mum sounds amazing and I'm sure you appreciate her. One thing I would advise you to do is use that support to really move forward. Don't ask her to prop up this situation where she is having to watch you effectively being abused. The fact that she is talking about keeping messages as evidence shows that her view is in line with everyone here - it's now time to think about how to disengage from this situation in a way that will allow you to truly move on. That means emotionally accepting that this is over and better things are ahead. In practical terms, give him nothing he can use. You need to get legal advice as a priority and perhaps your fm can help you with that. You have four things to think about - getting him moved out, getting a divorce started, offering short and regular contact sessions (as little as advised) and child maintenance. You need a solicitor specialising in family law who accepts legal aid. Do you or your fm feel able to seek that out first thing tomorrow? I realise it's a lot to think about when you're so tired and stressed that you're hearing baby crying when he isn't - I've been there too.

Just want to say your foster mum sounds lovely and you sound like you've got intelligence on your side. Your DH and his mum sound unhinged and very emotionally abusive. I don't say this lightly but I think you'd have a much happier and peaceful life if you left him. Love to you as I know it isn't easy.

I've mostly only read your posts @RudaRudoRude but you and your FM sound lovely and your husband and family sound absolutely awful. I hope your FM helps you get through these early days and to find your strength and move on without those terrible people. Keep screen shots of everything in case they go for custody although it doesn't sound like they actually really want the baby. Despicable arseholes.

I wish you and your baby all the best.

You had a baby 3 weeks ago and presumably this is your first so everything is still very new and a learning curve he absolutely should not of gone and the fact he chose his mother over his newborn and pp wife is disgusting .

Op your newborn has 2 parents. How would asking the other one for support go against you? in fact it could go against him for leaving you both to it. I suggest keeping a diary of what help /support he gives /refuses to give.. A judge won't have much regard for a man like him ime.

Please let your MW (if you're still under them)/ HV teams know about what's happening so they can provide access for additional support.

My DH was like this. Then he had his appendix removed. I asked him to look after his toddler for a half day a few weeks after operation. I might have stayed out longer so he has to do bedtime. He was in agony!!! And didn’t need to feed himself for several days …

problem solved,

I know nothing about caesareans, but my best friend's daughter is having an elective one in a few weeks and has been told she mustn't do/lift anything for 6 weeks. What he was doing leaving you alone is outrageous and all the subsequent stuff is disgusting. I hope you realise you have done nothing wrong. 💐

Very big

I’m not sure I could forgive this

Did he go to extra lengths to make sure someone else is helping you day and night??

Your MIL and DH are both very much in the wrong, but this is also bonkers!

I know it's your first but surely you heard/read somewhere during your pregnancy that you're considered full term from 37 weeks and that something like 90% of babies arrive in the 5 week window between 37-42 weeks?! I did not make any plans to travel more than 30 minutes from my hospital from 36 weeks onwards for any of my pregnancies, just to be safe.

I had an ECS and was back & forth to hospital because she was in NICU (born at 34 weeks). My stitches got infected as I was doing too much, there's a reason you're supposed to take it easy for a good few weeks after such major surgery. Hubby was with me for 2 weeks then DM & MIL for next 2 weeks & even then it was hard. Have had issues all of my marriage (20 years) with a MIL who can use emotional blackmail on DH. Caused arguments with DH, but we've mostly worked it out together and learnt how to deal with it. You need to have conversation with your DH that you & your baby come first or this type of thing will keep happening. This isn't to attack/exclude MIL but he needs to lay it out where his priorites are.

He should 100% have stayed with you and his new baby. There is not even a question.

If true, his mother’s comments are unforgivable. Sadly some men are in hock to their difficult mothers and it can lead to great difficulties in the relationship.

I can't edit my earlier post, but I have read all your posts now @RudaRudoRude . When I saw what your husband said I was truly shocked! What a horrible family they are.

I'm glad you've got your FM with you - let her help you, she's talking sense. Sending hugs 🫂 🫂 🫂.

Thank goodness for your FM. I had an EMC with my first and was completely traumatised by what led up to it so mentally I was in a terrible place 3 weeks after I had DD. What you said about hearing the baby crying when it isn’t really struck a chord with me. Your DH and his family are not nice - this is not normal. Please lean on your FM for support and anyone else you trust. Your early experience of care does not have to define you. Anyone who weaponises what happened to you as a child needs to be out of your life.

No, of course not. NO-ONE is going to try to take a newborn baby away from its mum. Don't go fretting about that.

However, it was a seriously nasty thing to say! You need to ask your husband if it's true, and what he said in response (was he shocked? horrified? did he shut her down?)