AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother! You are his family now. The fact he doesn’t seem to see that is a massive red flag. You should also be wary of the message you received saying MIL thinks you can’t cope with the baby - well intentioned or malicious and trying to cause trouble?

Thank god.
I know this must be so hard, but you have made the bravest of decisions that you will realise will have saved you years of worse grief.
GP, health visitors, solicitors.
Show everyone all the texts.
Let everyone know exactly who these people are.
Keep posting, because we really are rooting for you.

Your MIL sounds like a POS.

Also the commenter that said you shouldn’t be struggling so much after three weeks? Three weeks is nothing. I can’t believe he’s left you on your own over night at this point. Sorry but if he doesn’t stand up to his Mother, your marriage will be doomed.

Your husband shouldn’t have gone and left you. You aren’t unreasonable, he is for going. If this is true about your MIL, then she’s a nasty piece of work.

No, not at all. Unless there’s more to the story it is completely normal to be overwhelmed as a new mum. And tbh I still hate being left alone with our kids overnight, I get family to stay when my husband works away. I’m not incompetent and if we divorced I’d manage, of course, but I’m not 3 weeks pp. at 3 weeks pp I was a mess and had my mum/ his mum/
sibs helping at times too!

Asking for help is not a weakness, especially with a newborn. You deserve better.

I wanted to say this. If my grandson were to do this I would be telling him to get back home pronto and cuddle my great grandchild.

Hugs to you OP. You have had major surgery and you need lots of care.

No, of course he wouldn’t get residential custody of a newborn because you asked him to parent! It would work against him! He abandoned his newborn! What a cunt!

RED FLAGS! He’s a mummy’s boy and is thinking of her before you. What a prick. Shame you didn’t know this before having a baby. I’m sorry. :-(

Sweetheart the best thing is to call it a day now - you are doing exactly the right thing. You’re so strong.

Then I'd forward that to husband and MiL and say WTF? I can cope fine without you don't come home. A man who can leave you and his baby alone at this point isn't worth having

Good shout.

I definitely would be asking why she said those things, and recording everything that was said. Sometimes, standing your ground with people like this is the best thing you can do. It absolutely does not have to turn into a brawl. I’d be asking her specifically what she meant by ‘not being able to cope with the baby’. The chances are, the only answer(s) to this question is - OPs mobility, the lack of desire to sit in pain at a family event, and the fact that OP wasn’t thrilled to be left alone post op with a new baby for days (who would be?). Which in turn would go in OPs favour in the future if necessary.

My DH did not leave my side for 6 weeks after my c-section. It was unreasonable for your DH to go and outrageous for your MIL to say such nasty things. Has she met her grandchild yet?

This!! Who gives a flying fuck about his grandparents anniversary, maybe him and his fucking mother shouldn’t be repulsive, abusive arseholes?! None of this is your fault, none of the support you’re asking for is unreasonably and, frankly, he should want to be there with you and your baby, both for support but also because he’s the parent too. Useless prick. Ok so annoyed on your behalf, how dare they treat you this way?!

I don't understand why they are so horrible and yet want custody. You are well out of it. Can you get help and support from anyone else? Great that your fm has been supporting you. I wish you well x

The OP has made it clear that she came from a very chaotic background, it seems that the only stability she had was from her last foster mother, so what may stand out as a red flag to you or I may well have gone over her head as "normal". Also, I married a very abusive man, was he abusive before we married? No or I wouldnt have married him, but it gradually got worse and worse until he beat me so badly I almost died, thats how it happens most of the time. No man starts out being overtly abusive, as they have to ensnare their victim first with the "perfect" version of themselves that gradually disappears as she gets more and more trapped.

I would say there is/was an unhealthy guilt trip going on. For some reason your husband felt his Mum was more vulnerable. Mind blowing but I think he’s been massively manipulated all his life to have acted this way.

I absolutely would not confront till much much later down the line. Just keep the evidence and move on. She’s vulnerable, she needs support and to focus on recovery, the baby and getting her life together. Not to start a brawl, as that’s what would happen.

You sound a bit like you’re breaking or broken being this judgey!!

How awful poor you. No court is going to give custody to a man who left his wife and newborn 3 weeks after a caesarean section and then sent her abusive messages.
Well done for not letting his come back.

No, he could not! I would definitely start considering leaving this marriage. You’re 3 weeks PP after major surgery, you should not be worrying about this! Fuck him, and fuck his mum. I hateeee this so much! Speak to your HV, mine was amazing with support as I had a few issues, nothing quite like this shit and lack of support though. They wouldn’t get very far, just watch what you say and only confide in friends in the mean time about how you’re feeling. I would (personally) confront DH (Dickhead Husband, not Darling) and MIL about what was said. Also, the person said that the MIL was telling DH this in front of family members, I’d love to know what his response was to this. Keep your head up❤️x

Bloody hell your husband is nasty and as for your MIL just wow!!

You deserve so much better than these toxic arseholes.

Please throw him out and never let him back in. He’s easily left his 3 week old baby and so I don’t think you need to worry about him getting full custody. Please screen shot those messages.

@RudaRudoRude I agree with this poster. I am so so sorry that you are in this position. I was in a similar position many, many years ago and it's horrible. But you can do this without him, even if it's very hard. You do not deserve to be treated like this and it sounds like your PILs are never going to accept you and want the two of you to split up. You'll be well out of it. He won't have a hope in hell of getting full custody of a newborn baby being breastfed. Keep copies of all the text messages etc as you may need them during the divorce. So glad your FM is helping you this week. She sounds lovely.

My first was an emergency C section years ago. Pain was awful. Took me about a month before I could stand upright. My sympathies are with you.

You poor soul, I really feel for you my lovely. Your MIL is a narcissistic twat, and your husband is no better either.
The final week's of pregnancy are not fun especially with you been poorly etc. I'd of being livid if my husband had done that to me. And also going away three weeks after a traumatic birth.

Make sure you've got all the messages that his mother had been sending him and what they've sent you.

Sending you a hug. And just remember you've got this.