AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

I am sending you a private message.

You are doing brilliantly OP. I was a teen mum with no support and an awful ex. The sooner he is out of your life the better.

Don’t reply to any of it just keep it all as evidence. Your foster mum sounds amazing, perfect grandma so your baby does have a family all on your side. Your baby also has you and that is all he needs.

this is not your fault some men and their families are just arses.

Op, you sound lovely. Sending a hug x

To recognise the relationship as unhealthy and his behaviour as completely unacceptable, and to make a decision to walk away at your most vulnerable with a 3 week old baby while you're in pain, adjusting to motherhood, hormonal etc - that shows an unbelievable amount of strength and courage. And doing all of this against a backdrop of not having had the best start in your own life, not having had healthy relationships modelled to you from the start, experiencing loss and disruption...honestly you are already an incredible mum to your baby. You are breaking a cycle and putting your baby above everything even when it might feel terrifying.

Please don't feel bad about your baby having separated parents. So much better to do it now than to live through an unhappy or abusive marriage until your child is older and has been emotionally harmed by living through it too. You are making a decision with your baby at the centre, please feel proud of yourself for this.

Bloddy MIL! I had an emergency cesarean and my husband was there, not that he was a very big help, but luckily my mom came to stay (from my home country, she doesn't live local!) Be really careful! What kind of mother would push her son to come, when she knows the baby is only 3 weeks and after cesarean you still need to recover!
Congratulations on your new arrival though ❤️. Make sure you talk to your husband about his priorities, which are you and the baby, not some celebration and especially not his viscious mom.

Oh my god what a strong woman you are. You and your baby are going to be just fine.

My heart goes out to you @RudaRudoRude and your FM and FD are the people you can rely on now

Your DH and his parents are in no way deserving of a relationship with you and your DS. That your DH says he's considering seeking custody is an absolute joke when he abandoned his DW and newborn DC for a weekend jolly

You're doing the right thing by yourself and your DS by taking steps to end the marriage.
You deserve so much more and I wish you and your babby all the best X

Also this, and linking in with womens aid also wouldn't go amiss given the clear emotional abuse and gaslighting happening here.

Speak to your Health Visitor about the lack of support from your dh, get it documented. Your HV may read him the riot act if she has anything about her.

Your baby will have a strong wonderful mother and that will be enough.
Your fm sounds like an amazing mum.
You can do this.

Your foster mum is making me think about fostering myself. She truly sounds like one in a million.

I'm really sorry but your FM is very right. You clearly got into a poor relationship with a shitty person (and family) because you were young and vulnerable - now you need to find a way to prioritise looking after your child's needs which means learning to look after your own needs. There is a phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first" from the safety talks on planes and its referenced more widely to refer to the need as a parent to be able to prioritse yourself so you have the capacity to also protect your child.

Note - there is no way in hell your texts asking for his help will mean he gets custody of a newborn - the opposite is true. The fact that he left you and the newborn when you asked for his help will look bad. Once the child is older and more independent he will be able to argue for shared custody but a newborn baby defaults to their mother even if you aren't breastfeeding.

In addition to separating from him and his abusive family - I suggest seeking counselling through your GP to re-establish your sense of self worth and support you through this difficult time.

Don’t worry OP, he will not secure care of baby. You have support from your FM too. It would take a while to get a first hearing if he applied to the court. IF he does seek custody then take legal advice. You’ll go to
mediation first. Awful MIL.

I have read all of your posts OP and I wanted to send you all my love and support. I am so sorry your husband has treated you and his baby so poorly.
I’m glad your fm is with you. Definitely don’t look at his messages for a day or two. I hope he grows up and supports you and his baby as needed. Focus on your baby for now, all else can wait. Much love xxx

Op I don't even know what to say. I'm so glad you have your fm and fd there for support because you deserve support with this.

I hope you know that you are not the problem here. The way your husband has behaved is appalling and his mum is just as bad. The messages are abusive and it's a really good thing you've now got written evidence of that. Make sure you screenshot and email them to yourself (on an account he has no access to) for safe keeping.

There is not a chance any decent man would have left for the weekend after what you've been through - at the very least would he not be missing his tiny new baby after such a scare. He's a twat and you and your baby did not deserve this from him.

I ended up as a lone parent because of my husbands actions and I felt similarly initially, really devastated that my ds wouldn't have the family unit I'd planned for him. But that's my husbands doing not mine and my son is doing amazing just the two of us. What matters is having one parent who's stable and dedicated and meets their needs and you are totally capable of that because you've been doing it already despite the let down that your husband has been.

You are obviously an extremely strong and resilient person with a clear idea of what you want for your life, stand strong in that and take all the support going to help you do that.

And also, it's important to realise that you have been through something massive, your body is only in the early early stages of recovery, parenting is hard and colic is brutal. Ignore their criticisms you are allowed to find this tough, anyone would because it is. But you are also tough.

Your MIL sounds like a complete bitch. When he’s back, stay clear of her. Keep the message about what she has said so no-one can gaslight you if you raise it.

Wow this is one of the worst things I've read on here.
I think you're coping amazingly.

Don't feel bad about the grandparents' anniversary - they could've had a nice one if your MIL and H had behaved normally - not your fault at all.

It's so sad this time with your newborn has been like this but I'm glad you have your neighbour and foster mum and other support. You deserve it.

At least this is happening now in terms of getting it over with rather than years of being treated appallingly by your H and your child witnessing it.

You are amazing, and thank goodness you have the love and support from your Foster Mum.

Your D(ickhead) Husband is an absolute piece of trash.

Your husband is a piece of shit.

im so sorry you’re going through this but just wanted to add that it’s very rare for breastfed babies to have colic, have them checked for a tongue tie x

You and your FM sound awesome, your “D”H and MIL horrendous. Hold your head high, kick him to the curb and have an amazing life with your little one

@RudaRudoRude You are incredible. Stay strong. You will be a wonderful mother to your baby!

You are a very brave and strong woman, @RudaRudoRude. I admire your strength in acting quickly and decisively to save your baby and yourself from any further harm from your awful husband and family. Very glad you have FM on your side.

You are 3 weeks post partum. You don’t need this. I am so sorry that your dipshit of a husband didn’t put you first.

If your husband genuinely believes his mother, ask him to ask literally any other female who has had children what they think. Because a stranger in the street would say - you shouldn’t have left your wife 3 weeks postpartum after an easy breezy birth let alone an unplanned emergency section. Any mature man would also agree.

Do not let that woman into your home. You need a safe space to nest with your new baby. She is not safe for you whether she said that or not. I agree with other posters, bizarre she insisted her son avoided his responsibilities and went to a party instead.

It will hurt because you will have wanted him to want to stay at home and protect you and his baby. Sometimes men need that explained to them as daft as that sounds. I think, generally speaking, a good man will go into protector mode when the woman he loves says I’m scared, I need you to keep us safe and looked after. Then you find a way to work together to get to your common goal, which will likely be as simple as- surviving the first year of parenthood.

Hope you heal well. Xx