AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

Well great for your sister. But this thread isn’t about her.

OP, My first thought was that you have a MIL issue, she doesn’t want to share her precious boy with anyone and is using your background to divide and conquer.

That said, your DH is not sticking up for you, wasn’t worried because you were hospitalised when he was away and couldn’t say to his family that he’d only pop in on his grandparents celebrations because you’re recovering from a c-section while looking after your newborn, then he’s an idiot.

Your FM sounds like a gem. Yes you’re going through a tough time, but you sound so strong and capable, you’ve got this. It won’t be easy at first but you will be alright in a while. Sending you big hugs 🫂

Oh boy, my first two are close together and when my second was a few weeks old, my DH got a letter from his mother and sister telling him to come and stay with them for a bit as he clearly needed a break and I'd be fine on my own with the kids. They are out there.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through all this, especially at this time that should be a happy time.

Your MIL said you have no idea how family works since you came from a difficult background with your biological parents? Well, my parents and my ILs are still married, I've been married a long time, so by your MIL's reckoning, I should know how families work. (Every family is different btw). My opinion is that your DH should have stayed with you to care for you and support you soon soon after the arrival of your baby. You should come first.

Your foster parents sound like wonderful people. I'm glad you have them in your life.

Your husbands family sound awful but your foster family sound amazing. Rely on them during this tough period and you will be fine, whatever fine might look like one day. Because you are a great mother and you will do what’s best for you and your family

"his parents paid for him to go because his mum said he needed a break before the baby came. It was just for him and not both of us" 😩May I never, ever become this type of mother. Wtaf.

It sounds like you have a really good supportive (foster) mum, I’m glad she is there for you

Hope you took screenshot of these messages. Bless your heart, I wish you well in the future.

There is a huge difference between just going to a bbq & sitting down, and going on a weekend away, packing for herself and baby, staying in a hotel, going to bbq, the packing up again and travelling home etc.

Christ! I thought my MIL was bad. My husband would never have considered going away 3 weeks after my c section, and even IF he had considered it, my MIL wouldn’t have allowed him!
imagine if your husband had major abdominal surgery 3 weeks ago and you left for the weekend and left him to look after the baby while still recovering. I bet him and his mum would be furious.
even if you hadn’t had a c section and had had a vaginal birth and all went to smoothly, he still shouldn’t have gone imo.
you absolutely are NOT being unreasonable and I would seriously consider your options here and if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. It doesn’t sound like he values you or actually understands the magnitude of what your body and mind has just gone through/is going through.

3 weeks post c section is perfectly reasonable to need extra help. My only slight quibble is was there really no one else who could have stayed with you? MIL sounds like a piece of work either way.

I had a perfectly straightforward birth in November. DH had a family wedding to go to five weeks later (which we had previously agreed I wouldn’t attend as was close to due date so unsure feasibility). I still got my mum to come and stay over.

May I suggest something? That you start thinking about your foster family as just your family? Your birth siblings, your foster siblings and your foster parents are your family and they are your baby's family too. Your foster mum has been more of a grandma to your little one than STBXH's mother has or will ever be.

Then you might you might start to feel a little more safe. Your foster mother may not have adopted you formally, but she clearly has emotionally and I think thats all that matters.

Created a login especially for this as I’ve read through it all and have a couple of comments:

How long was the holiday he had when you were 8 months pregnant? (Just curious)

Another poster asked if there were any cultural reasons as to how they’d try and excuse this (none would be justified btw)

if it was me I’d message the person who warned me to let them know what has happened since and to thank them. I’d probably also send some screenshots too so they can make up their own mind (and judge them harshly within the family too). Pre-empting any spurious claims by them.

You’re right that a divorce is the way to go. You’re not being emotional, hormonal, unforgiving etc. You’re avoiding future misery. Go with your gut - they’re obviously terrible people. There is no rationalising their behaviour so don’t even try.

You now need to think a few steps ahead, admittedly at the worst possible time but you can do it.

The solicitors appointment is a good idea. Some workplaces have employee assistance programmes - check if yours has.

Go through any and all paperwork your husband has at home to find evidence of income etc for later child maintenance / divorce. Do this while your FM is there, even though you’re fucking knackered and likely feel like you’ve been run over.

Think about bills and if now is the time to apply for Universal Credit to see you through maternity leave and beyond. Hopefully you’ve already lodged a child benefit claim in your name.

Much has been said about it being good you’re breastfeeding for custody reasons. It probably is but if you need to, don’t feel bad if you switch to combination or bottle feeding in time. If it’s going well though, great!

Good luck. You’ve done the right thing xx

You are an amazing woman, like your foster mum. Your MiL has really shot herself in the foot and if she loses contact with your DS it's totally her own fault. I hope your DH might mature and become a decent father, even if you are apart, but he isn't showing good qualities at the moment. Strange that these people, who are mocking you for your dysfunctional family, are unable to model healthy relationships. This may be hard but you have been through difficult times before and stronger than you know. Your DS is blessed to have you as his mother.

Bless you, @RudaRudoRude
Your FM sounds a real gem. Your DH & in laws, not so much.. I hope all goes well for you & you're soon free of these awful people, & can bring your baby up in peace.
Try not to worry about the future, it'll take care of itself & you seem to have a good network of people around you, unlike the toxic DH & in-laws. Hugs..

Jesus! I had a big birthday last year and all my friends and family came abroad with me to celebrate, (party, drinking, holiday) except one of my sons, it wasn’t his kind of holiday, I was not one bit offended, completely understood. Your DH needs to get his priorities right

You don't need to process all of this at once op. You are allowed to block him and distract yourself and only think about it when you feel ready to give it some headspace.

It's also worth remembering that the messages he's sending you are DESIGNED to fuck with your head. He's intentionally trying to overwhelm you and confuse you (gaslighting) so what you feel - those thoughts swirling round in your head- is because he's setting that up and bombarding you in order to make you vulnerable. The next step after wearing you down this way as much as possible is trying to reel you back in.

The fact you're saying you're worried about your mental wellbeing and managing past tendencies is actually really really positive - that's really honest and accurate self reflection and it means you're actually much more likely to keep control of things because you're able to recognise the impact this could have on you and use support when you need it. Honestly op you sound really tuned in and clearly very focused on your wee baby and keeping yourself safe and well and right now that's all you owe anyone.

Honestly he’s not telling the truth when he says that. He’s a mummy’s boy who has 0 balls and just says anything he can to desperately keep mummy’s approval. Even at 30! God he’s a worm.

OP you are doing amazing. No decent husband would leave his wife to go to a party when she’s in pain after surgery with a newborn!

Please see your GP though. If you’re in that much pain still please get checked you don’t have an infection. I’m only one person but I’ve had two c sections and by week 3 I was getting back to normal so please just reach our for help.

If you need any help with the BF (although it sounds like you are doing amazing) you can call the National breastfeeding helpline and the great thing is they’re open 24/7 so you can even call at night.

www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk

Hope youre okay x

You sound so strong and an amazing person! Use all the support at your disposal. Your MW team and HV will have some signposting and for those times when you need a friendly voice Samaritans are there! Wishing you lots of love and strength.

The other thing you could look into doing is the Freedom Programme... it'll help you see his behaviour as his issue and control not anything to do with you.

It also means that, as it sounds like they have all the money and power and aren't going to be averse to using it, by attending the Freedom Programme the places that run them are usually also able to write letters for your access to Legal Aid as to get that you have to prove coercive control/physical abuse.

You are an amazing woman as is your foster mother. Your baby is so lucky to have you in their life. Your strength shines through and your posts brought a tear to my eye.
Continue to stay strong.
This is a very supportive environment and you have lots of very good advice already.

@RudaRudoRude You’ve got this. More than you can possibly know.

lean on your foster family, friends and all who those supporting you.

leave your MIL and DH to themselves…. You have better things to spend your focus on

The advice post C-section is that you are not supposed to be doing any lifting for 2 weeks... you can cuddle your baby and feed but someone should be lifting them to you and doing changes etc. If you have to do washing it is sitting and moving one item but even that should be post 2 weeks. You should be walking and caring for baby... so need someone there. It is major abdominal surgery... not just a caesarean, never mind an emergency one where there has not been the same prep and pain relief. You have done brilliantly but do not feel pathetic or incapable. You are doing more than you should be. Your body should still be listened to. Sending a big virtual hug.