AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

My partner had an unavoidable planned 4 day work trip to the US 3 weeks after my due date but as baby arrived 3 weeks early he was 6 weeks old when he went.
My PIL both came and stayed for the duration, cooked all my meals, made me cups of tea and coffee, held the baby whilst I showered, did bedtime with my daughter dropped her off and picked her up from school.

I'm 8 months pp and I got really unwell in pregnancy and needed an urgent induction which was on the verge of becoming an emergency C section and I haven't recovered. We have my in laws to stay for 3-5 days every 6 weeks, my parents come around 2-3 times a week for a few hours to help.

It takes a village to raise a child as they say. Asking for help is not a weakness it is a strength. Knowing that you can do a good enough job without help but a better job with help and asking for it is the right thing to do.

I had a severe postpartum mental health episode after having my daughter and it was during 2020 so there was no support at all and I really struggled. At no point did anyone involved in my care or my partner suggest that I wasn't anything other than an attentive mother trying my best. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit and it was stressed to all of us that you have to look after yourself and asking for help to give you the bandwidth to look after the baby is important

You poor poor darling. What awful people you have become entangled with. The police thankfully have seen a loving caring mother. You're doing amazing, truly inspiring. That much loved baby is so lucky to have someone as wonderful as you. Take the advice from your marvelous FM, isn't it fantastic you have someone who has your back. You concentrate on getting over this period of the colic and night feeds, just remember this hard time will pass, get back to work once your maternity leave is up. Yes you need to get therapy and yes you must log this police callout as harassment. Document everything in case there is a custody battle. Your baby needs you to stay strong.

Just sending a big hug OP. Emergency C section first child mama here and your first posts made me cry with the memories of that really mad and tricky and emotional time - and I had support from my mum and wasnt being actively attacked by a MIL or partner. They have shown themselves to be toxic and horrific and abusive - even their own family see it and are clearly appalled. Just snuggle down with baba, good food, lots of light TV, feet up recover from this episode. You are clearly a very wise and resilient and clever woman and can see the pattern of abuse here. You are not to blame for anything and no chance he will get custody - right now he is flirting with having no contact longer term and you would be in your rights to make sure PIL never see baba again. Stay strong Mama bear and literally f the lot of them. Sorry you have to be strong right now so lean into gentle cuddles too and dont let him and his mad bad toxic family ruin this time completely for you. Btw mind is blown by 10 day solo holiday whilst partner 8 months pregnant. Writing on the wall here love. You deserve so much better than this and I pray you walk away and stay away xxxx

If he was so concerned about the welfare of his baby he would not have left and came home! This was to control and punish her!

Can people read the whole thread, it’s gone way beyond having a chat with her DH and his expectations after birth.

OP I am so sorry this is all happening, you deserve better. Like others have said, stay strong and get some legal advice. Big hugs xxxx

I had a c-section OP. It was also an emergency. To me, the c-section tells a big part of your story but not all of it.

You have a newborn baby who is 3 weeks old. 21 days. Your baby is so tiny and new, and you (as parentS) are still trying to establish a "newborn normal" (not a routine). You're still trying to work it all out in-between cluster feeds and and sleep.

I think it's very reasonable to say "We're establishing our new life with baby and a weekend away in a new environment and away from home comforts is not something we are prioritised with right now."

I think it is also very reasonable of you to be asking your husband to stay home and do this with you. I don't know what his paternity leave is but I look at it like this: paternity leave is woefully short as it is, if he is still on paternity leave then there's a reason for it and even if he wasn't- it's the weekend! A weekend where you've looked after your baby all week and now it's time to establish family time with your new baby who is not even a month old.

Now- let's address the fact that you've had major abdominal surgery. If this was any other surgery (not a c-section), you'd be expected to rest. In fact, my bet is that there would be people who were wanting to help you more with baby but somehow because it was a way of delivering baby it's all considered appropriate to not help.

I read a reply where you were asking for clarification on custody and this absolutely breaks my heart for you. It shouldn't even be anything you feel you need to think about and I really hope your husband shut his mother down during that conversation.
Personally, I'm disappointed that it wasn't an instant "I'm in the wrong place and need to get home to my wife and child," which was then acted on.

I also read a response where someone had said that they had a relative who made a long journey 2 weeks after baby was born: and I wanted to reiterate to you that just because that family chose to travel with a tiny newborn baby; and it was right for them- it doesn't mean it has to be right for you and your family. In hindsight, that particular family may look at their travelling and say they'd do it differently given the chance. They may say it was amazing, but they aren't you. You have made a decision that should be respected and listened to.

I can totally appreciate how you may be feeling, OP and am so sorry that you're in a position you're thinking he would act on any suggestions of custody. I cant help any other way but I just wanted to validate that all for you.

Talk to your husband openly about it all.

Finally, everyone's experience of post c-section recovery is different. I remember my recovery took slightly longer than I expected due to slight complications and so my judgement may be biased here but I think that there needs to be some acknowledgement that you're expressing that your in pain. I'd want my husband to be there to help me in pain (not withstanding help with the baby).

Please take care of you. Advocate for you and for your baby. You don’t even need to bring in the conversation you've been told about in order to do this. But I'm sorry that you feel you have to even more because of it.

OP you have done the most difficult but important thing that you can for yours and your baby’s future. You may not feel it right now, but you have such strength and resilience - you are amazing.

The behaviour you have and are being subjected to is truly abusive, from both you H and his family. I have unfortunately experienced very similar behaviours from
my ExH and his family - degrading me because of my background which was seen as inferior, attacking my mental health (oldest story in the book “she’s crazy” 🙄 these “men” are all the same and can’t come up with anything original), manipulating, gaslighting, even as far as calling the police for a welfare check because he was so “concerned” about the children (after he was highly abusive to me in their presence).

You have 1000% done the right thing. Please do log it officially with the police - show them the messages etc. keep a copy of all messages and only communicate with him via messages that can’t be deleted by him/email if you have to have contact - but you’re completely right to not have contact right now.

Hopefully you’re still under your midwife’s care (they can see you until 28 days postnatal). If you are, please speak to them, if not, contact your health visitor. They can refer you to your local domestic abuse service and can support you with the situation but also check ins for support with baby/managing the colic.

Wishing you all the strength in the world. You have people you know are there for you, lean on them. I’m mainly out of the other side and life is so much better and my mental health is unsurprisingly so much better! There is light at the end of his 💜 xxx

Don’t be so bloody silly. He wasn’t remotely concerned, he wanted to punish her. If he was genuinely concerned, he could’ve come back himself or, and this is a novel idea, stopped sending abusive, disgusting messages (and stopped his wretched mother too) and been even just slightly pleasant and maybe op would’ve been receptive to his messages. Not for one second was that man concerned for his baby’s wellbeing, he just wanted to teach op a lesson for having the gall to ignore his bile… and to possibly start an official trail indicating op is incapable as a parent.
OP definitely log this as harassment, with the further evidence of his (and his mother’s) messages.

It is very, very normal to have a spot of health / death anxiety with a new born. As your baby's primary carer it is very understandable that you feel vulnerable if anything happens to you. Most likely nothing terrible health wise will happen and you will be able to take care of your child brilliantly.

Look after yourself.

Would it be a good idea to mention this to health visitors or midwife? Do midwives still visit after giving birth?

Fair?? You must be out of your mind.

Can't believe how you're being treated by your husband when he knows you've grown up in care and have no family to add to your support, he is your support and as responsible for the children as you. I had an emcs and my husband couldn't have done more for me and that's as it should be! Your mother in law is a selfish old bag and he's a weak selfish man to prioritise a family event over the welfare of his own family.

Police take a dim view of being used to harass partners. Do log it with them.

His malicious act has worked in your favour. Please make sure you log the harassment.

Hope you get some sleep today! X

This!

OP it is excellent when the Police visited they noted you were (of course!) 'coping' and your baby was safe and well. Excellent that FM was there too.
Get this logged as 'harrassment'. Call local lawyers today.

H/in laws behaviour is all them, none of it is you.
It's vile but best over at the beginning. You can cut them out of your baby's life.
You have a stable home, a job to return to, the support of your fab FM.
You are going to be fine & will thrive in time.

So sorry you are going through this with a newborn. His family are awful and one day you will look back and think it was a blessing you got away from them all.
stay strong and don’t engage with their behaviour. He will not get custody of a newborn

In terms of the future, and divorce, is it a good idea for the OP to log harassment, as suggested by the police? Does anyone with expertise or experience of similar know?
@RudaRudoRude - please stay strong, thank God your foster mother is still with you and helping. Your baby is so lucky to have you in his corner, since his other parent clearly only sees him as a pawn in his control game, rather than actually taking proper care of him as a father should.

Then he should be on his way back as we speak.

Right?

Or do we think he’s still at the family party, waiting passively for the police to tell him it’s ok and he can keep on enjoying himself?

Sounds like it was because she wasn’t answering the phone or responding to messages, fair that he may have been concerned.

They are truly vile but, at least, the police know that now too and it is logged. Don't let them pressure you into drinking again you would be playing into their hands. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

As awful as that undoubtedly is in the long run it will hopefully help you with showing a pattern of behaviour from him. Get it logged as the police have suggested and get some proper legal advice today.

stay strong and don’t let them bully you.

Wow. Really shown his true colours. You really don’t deserve this. Keep a record. Log harassment. Don’t respond to him, not at all. Contact solicitors today and take everything you have to them. There is no coming back from this but focus on you and your baby. You are all your baby needs right now.

OMG that’s absolutely shocking - he leaves you on your own with a new baby after a c section and then sends the police around because “you’re not coping”! If he believed that he shouldn’t have left you in the first place! And presumably he’s still at the party, and not heading back in a panic?

I take it the police thought he was way out of order on this? Also, it was so brilliant that your FM was there, both to back you up, but also to prove that all you had really needed was for your husband not to clear off to a family get together leaving you alone with a tiny baby. Perfectly reasonable to expect that in your situation.

Sending the police around - that’s so awful!

@RudaRudoRude

What have I just read?! (Read all your posts)

Blimey, but best out now! Well done for acting fast, before they get to confuse and abuse you more. DH didn’t even stand up for you, and you have proof!!

The family whistleblower & co sounds like they’re have your back, there is clearly differences within his family, that’s good to know.

Thank goodness for your FM! She sounds amazing!! And well done for leaning in on that support too.

Like PP’s have already said, be several steps ahead! I know you’re knackered, but future you will thank you!

And the welfare check was a calculated manoeuvre!! Sounds like they’re going to try to throw mud and try to discredit your abilities as a mum.

Something that was mentioned on a previous thread that I thought was a genius idea, was to have the free initial chat with all the best solicitors in your area, as they then can’t work for your STBEXH due to conflict of interests!

Get a few steps ahead of him and his family. They sound like they are used to getting their own way, and will play dirty. Game on!

(Obviously it’s not a game, and you’re exhausted, but absolutely channel your anger and upset into something helpful and productive in order to protect you and your baby’s future).

And this could have happened to anyone, and does, regardless to background. Your baby has you, your family, they’ll be ok. Better that than the toxicity you married into! Best out now than after you’ve lost yourself and self esteem from them and their behaviour to you!

You’ve done great so far!! Document everything, evidence, etc.. don’t let them mess with your head. Really glad you can see what they’re doing and how it’s NOT ok!

All the best to you and your family. Your F family are your family.

What a disgusting abusive man. Others will have better advice. I’m so glad you have your FM there for you.