AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

Also years ago people had a home help provided by the state for a couple of weeks after the birth when was that? Not in my lifetime and I'm 71.

"The one thing I wanted to know is could he apply for custody on this basis? With his mum backing him?"

I know this has been answered but I'm sure it's terrifying you, so I wanted to say that I can't see how anyone who hears that he went off on a holiday without you before you gave birth because he was going to be tired, and then left you recovering from surgery with a 3 week old to care for to go off on a family jolly would ever think that you were the unreasonable one, @RudaRudoRude

I completely get that you want (wanted) your baby to have the model family that you didn't have, so maybe there's still a chance that he can agree to have counselling and to get his priorities rights, ie you and his own child before his mother, but honestly I suspect the police call is hard to row back from.

I can't tell you what to do, but you have your lovely FM on your side, and I'm sure she'll have enough experience of things to advise you whether there's any way to get back the life you hoped for or whether you have to just let yourself grieve for that and move on.

Either way, you will be ok. It's a horrible thing to have happen to you, but you will be able to pick up the pieces and make a great life for your baby, and for yourself. 💝

I echo other posters recommending you speak to your midwife/health visitor. They will be able to refer and signpost you to lots of emotional and practical support. It will also mean you have more recorded evidence. Did your husband attend any prenatal appointments with you? Was he there for the initial midwife home visits? They will also have that recorded along with how you are getting on (which I’m sure will contradict the accusations your husband and his family are levelling at you about your ability to parent).

I think that the police involvement or when you speak to your midwife/health visitor may trigger a social care referral but that would be a positive step (as daunting as that process is) as you will get some really good support whether that’s from social care or early intervention.

It is also more recorded evidence to show what a capable and brilliant mum you are and the abuse being committed by your husband and his mother.

I’m glad you are getting support from your foster family and those around you. Keep asking for help and support. Your baby is so lucky to have you as a mum.

I have read all your posts and omg your in laws are twats, but as for your hubby, that apple didn't fall very far from the tree did it? 😡
I second the advice on here.
Time to get you ducks in a row and... 🦆🦆🦆
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.
Screen shot and get evidence of everything (texts/emails/financials/bank statements/ payslips of hubby) check his iPad for any info as well before he deletes it.

It takes a village to raise a child, you will have your own village without the husband and the vile in-laws, such as: foster family, your bio siblings, friends. 💕
Don't be scared to reach out to those who is on your side that you knew before you met your husband.

You can get swamped with emotions and this is normal after having a newborn.
Please make time for yourself, as a new mother I focused solely on DS with breast feeding, and baby massage class and sensory music classes and following a routine for him. It was draining and I ran on empty and it made me feel awful.
My pals sister switched to combi fed and I switched to bottles after I couldn't sustain breastfeeding and after a lot of mum guilt and feeling like I had failed, I realised a fed baby is a happy baby, and a well rested happy mum, had a happy baby. Both my mum & MIL pointed out that I had been formula fed and I turned out okay 😆 the choice is always yours, you do what is best for you and your baby.
A colicky baby is no picnic. 💯

Please rely on support, make sure you get time for some self-care (shower and cleaning teeth can seems like a mammoth task when you are solely focused on newborn) and get naps when you can. 💐

Please know that you are not in the wrong here, they sound vile.
It sounds in a way like the in laws were trying to set you up for failure, as they paid for your hubby to leave you on these holidays, at the most crucial time when you needed him the most. Then they plant seeds of doubt and say he should leave you and get custody. This is insidious behaviour. 😠
As a mother herself your MIL should have been far more compassionate and wanted to support you becoming a first time mum, but instead she has decided to do (what she believes) was best for HER child, and NOT what was best for her grandchild (or you carryng/birthing that child) at all.

They are not your family. Family is what you make of it. Your child and siblings and F-family are your family.

ETA: i agree with another poster who said make sure you get in there first with social services and log everything with the police. You are an adult who is a vulnerable first time mum, (not because you have been in care, but because this family are abusive!) So don't be afraid to seek help. Get in there first, beat them at their own game (so to speak) and they will be manipulative (sending police around to bang on your door proves this). What is that old adage?
THE BEST FORM OF DEFENSE IS ATTACK.
You take control of this, even though you will be knackered, bless you 😔

You sound like a lovely lady and It WILL all get better in time, and one day you will look back on this and know you dodged a bullet.
Sending hugs to you 🫂 @RudaRudoRude

You do need to log this as harassment, it’s blindingly obvious to the police, get it on record. You’re doing so well.

Also op, what you could also do, if you wanted to is contact social services pro actively and state that you're concerned he's abusive and therefore a risk to your child. I fully understand why this may feel very risky to you and probably triggering but you are not a child in care right now. You are a parent being bullied by her ex who is a risk to her and her baby. If you have taken steps to remove yourself and your baby safely from the relationship, got a good support network around you and are focused on doing right by your baby then you'll be seen as the protective parent. However if you don't reach out, he will probably go that route next and then you'll be the one under scrutiny which would be very unfair. So I'd actually be trying to get in there first. Maybe have a chat with your foster mum about it and see what she thinks? I'd also be contacting a solicitor today and looking into a non molestation order and sending them a letter to cease and desist.

I'm deeply sorry you're left having to do all this at a time when you're probably exhausted and feeling vulnerable emotionally. It's extremely unfair but honestly my advice to you is to go on the offensive a bit here and try to get in there first where you can leaving yourself a very clear protective paper trail. A solicitor who is well versed in dealing with domestic abuse would be good to find. You should qualify for uc and possibly legal aid as a single parent who's being abused.

They thought they were being clever, but they have now shown themselves to be total scum.

Please do as the police advised and log the harassment.
Show the police the texts.
Ask for a Women's aid referral.
Bring your foster mum with you for support and as a witness.

You are being abused.
You might be eligible for legal aid, which would be very helpful.

You may be exhausted, you poor pet, but this is the time to get ahead of this.
They involved the police, now use them too and show them the vile harassment of you.

Op please, please do log the harassment which is what this is. He's trying to frame you as an unfit parent and I'd want to make sure that you've logged it and have a clear police record that this was actually harassment and not a warranted concern. This will help stand you in good stead if he escalates further. I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep eventually. When you get up I'd get something to eat, pack what you need for you and the baby and then ask your fm to bring you to the police station to make a report. I would also be logging all their messages and repeated calls. He's building a log against you now and you need to make sure you do the same to protect and defend yourself. He's counting on you letting this slide so please don't if you feel strong enough.

It is also not that long ago that women stayed in hospital for 2 weeks post c section with the babies looked after in nursery for sections of the day

I wonder which mothers get more rest to recover

I’ve just read your most recent update! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you are as strong as an ox OP❤️ I honestly love your strength to act against being bullied by these lunatics. You’ll win, you’ll definitely win. The sense of happiness and freedom you’ll feel in the near future by getting rid of these pair will be remarkable❤️

So sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Calling the police for a welfare check sounds calculated on his part.

He may well have been worried you stopped responding, and that may have ramped up if his mother was dripping in his ear that you can’t cope and may have done something harmful, but my question would be that if he were so worried why did he leave you and the baby alone?

He sounds weak and pathetic tbh, and he’s going to have the sad reality to face that he has fucked up on a colossal scale which has potentially cost him his own family unit.

I don’t want to add to your worry but sometimes a police report can trigger a Social care referral, and given you are care experienced, experienced DA (that’s how the olive are likely to have viewed last night) and I think I read you have had perinatal involvement (may be a different OP so apologies if wrong) all of which are vulnerabilities to consider when you have a 3 week old baby. If they call remember it’s a consent based service, you have the wonderful support of those around you - even let them speak to FM if needed, but Social care can even be a huge support, especially with what you’re going through. I don’t want to add to your stress but flag that this may happen so you don’t go into a panic x

All the best

No he can't. His mum is nuts. It doesn't matter, if you ask some to stay because you are healing your op that is a legit question.

I think the section is mostly irrelevant tbh. I'd have been fine to travel, or look after baby alone for the weekend at three weeks, because I got lucky with my recoveries. But that's not the point. It shouldn't be an expectation, it should be a conversation and yours and the babies wellbeing should have been at the center of that.

He doesn't sound like a good husband aside from this incident, and his his family's actions and how abusive they have been by message since are unforgivable. And that's before you even get onto them calling the police.

It sounds like your real family is your foster mum, who clearly loves you and is there for you. I'm very glad you have her, and that she's helping you. But probably is worth getting pain checked out at three weeks, as maybe you have an infection or something, but equally, stress and lack of support are probably contributing to you finding recovery slow.

This is about a horrible man and his horrid family, not about how quickly you should be bouncing back from a section.

I think every single woman on the planet has underestimated what her body is capable of when due or shortly after giving birth.

This is not helping the OP.

OP

If I was at a family gathering for a weekend and found out my relatives wife was alone after major surgery with a new baby I'd be leaving that weekend to look after you.

I had some minor surgery couple of years ago, the hospital gave me a sick note for two weeks. That was a laparoscopic procedure.

OP I'm so sorry (and angry on your behalf) that you had that experience last night. I hope you manage to get some rest at some point today. As others have said, please log this as harassment with the police. I also think it might be worth preparing yourself mentally that he might try another approach and possibly contact someone like social services. I don't for a minute think it'll be any outcome other than last night (eg they are very satisfied that your baby is well cared for and your husband is abusing the service to harass you) and I sincerely hope he doesn't do this, but I sadly think it's a possibility. I'm so glad you have such great support around you - fm, your friends and colleagues, as well as people you haven't mentioned like your GP, midwife/health visitor, womens aid, charities etc. You will get through this and out the other side.

Oh OP! What an absolutely super person you are. You've been put through the mill in such a short time, when you should be enjoying your new baby. You sound strong, you're amazing, and your baby is so lucky to have you as mum. Your foster mum sounds like a pillar of strength and I'm glad she's there with you. Keep them blocked, screenshot all the messages including those on the ipad, and save everything. What an absolute wretchedly nasty piece of work that man and his lunatic parents are. Log it as harassment as the police noted and keep being you - you can do this. Gather your friends and workmates around you - they will help if they know you need it.

I would ignore the shit stirrer but also have you had issues with your MiL before?
For her to throw a tantrum over your husband initially planning to miss the family event is awful.

Your MiL is a nightmare and your husband is weak. Not an ideal man to marry and procreate with.

My MIL would have crucified my DH if he'd attempted to go on holiday or leave me with a newborn.

Absolutely log the harassment. If for no other reason, it'll help you if he's dumb enough to 'go for custody'.

What a bunch of arseholes. Disentangle yourself from these ppl as much as you possibly can and be the mummy to your son that you needed . Honestly it won't be easy cos you share a child and I know you never had a textbook childhood but these ppl sound highly disfunctional and toxic

It took me a while to write this and when I did, the post above me prompted me to have a look as it seemed I'd missed something.

I don't blame you for any of the actions you've taken and am so glad you have your (foster) family by your side. Everyone needs love and support.

You are doing brilliantly at being the most wonderful Mum to your baby. Remember who your village are. You'll be just fine. ❤️

This. Also years ago people had a home help provided by the state for a couple of weeks after the birth so it was clearly recognised that mums needed support. If I were you, I would tell your husband that I managed so well without him so he can go and live with mummy now! He should never left you as you shouldn't be lifting or driving after a c section and he and his mother have behaved despicably. I doubt he would even want to have full custody with all the responsibility, sleepless nights, adjustment to work schedules and hit on his pension that it would entail. Do you know what his response was when his mum suggested it as that would be telling?

I'm so sorry this happened to you lovely.
He's shown his true colours and been incredibly disloyal. I'm a big believer in your other half having your back with the in-laws and he's clearly a weak excuse for a man who'd prefer to hide with mummy and make malicious calls to the police, rather than step up and be a good partner and a good dad. If he'd really had concerns he'd have come home. It was clearly an attempt to hurt you and control you. Abusive men lash out by trying to criticise you as a mum, it's a low and cowardly move and tells you everything you need to know about him. It's him and his family who needs to learn what 'family' means, not you. How dare he weaponise your care background against you - you are equal to everyone else in every way and no less than anyone for growing up in foster care ❤️
Please reach out to Women's Aid, you're not alone, your foster mum sounds brilliant. xxx

Please log all the harassment including them calling the police on you.

Seek legal advice from as many solicitors in your area, as PP mentioned this will mean they can’t work with him.

focus on you and your baby now, block out all the noise.

I'm sorry. This isn't a good man, or a good family. You will be better off without him.