AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

You’re doing amazing op!

I'm just sending a hug and agreeing with all the previous posters. Everything you've done and are doing sound exactly right. The irony of what they've said is that you DO know how a functional family works as your FF have proved by taking you and your siblings in and being so supportive. Hugs for you all x

You are stronger than you know and your foster mother is amazing. Good idea to take important documents with you.

First time posting, I just couldn't pass this one by without saying you are doing amazing, you are coping so well and making good measured decisions with your baby's interest at heart while dealing with so much. You will get through this, and it will all feel so much easier when you are physically healed. You sound like you have such a good head on your shoulders and are an amazing Mum. Keep taking the support of fm and friends, we all need help with a new baby!

Well done you.
So brave.
Bring any papers or documents with you and leave with her.

Yes screenshot and write up everything that happens and keep in a folder.
Well done for calling a halt on his behaviour.
And wonderful foster mum for being there for you. She sounds like a treasure. X

Hi @RudaRudoRude So sorry you’re going through this and just wanted to add a voice of support. Your foster mum sounds great and I’m glad you have her. It’s hard having a new baby even with lots of support so you’re doing so well in your situation. You’re already taking really positive steps - do make sure you collect as much evidence as you (safely) can, e.g. take pictures of the texts between him and his mum. They both sound really awful. Keep yourself safe and keep looking to the future - you have a lovely baby and you will give them a lovely life.

There's being concerned, and there's telling the police he thought OP might have done something to the baby, which is what she says he did. He's so far out of order I don't have words to describe it.

If he was really concerned he could have come home, called OPs fm, or friend or if he really had to call the police say he was worried she might be unwell - although that would be kind of inconsistent with leaving in the first place!

I agree with other pp's that it sounds like a calculated move & I wouldn't be surprised if instigated by MIL.

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time.

You sound like an amazing, super strong person & I'm sending you lots of love and support.

I read your OP and thought "no, you're not unreasonable, they are (MIL and husband)" & it just got worse and worse.

Nothing you've said or done is wrong - not asking your husband to come back from his holiday when you were ill, nor asking him not to go to the anniversary party.

I'm not legally qualified but I'd be AMAZED if any custody judge saw your desire not to be left alone for 3 days with a premature/newborn baby and while recovering from an emergency c-section as a sign that you couldn't cope. Particularly since you HAVE coped, not just with the baby but with all the abhorrent behaviour of your husband & MIL.

As I see it, it's your MIL who is controlling, not you. Your husband seems, at best, unable to stand up to her, and I think you're well shot of them, although I know there is also a lot of grief - for your child and perhaps also for yourself.

I'm glad you're safe and have support from your friend and foster parents.

If you happen to be anywhere near London let us know when you start work again. I've lost my regular hairdresser &, being half Arabic, it would be great to have someone who understands mixed race hair!

Going to your FM so that you have help and support is a great move , I hope you start to feel recovered soon .

It may not be legal for op to change the locks.

@RudaRudoRude

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

First off, remember that you are strong. You are!!! You have made the first strong step already; telling him not to return.

Since it sounds as if he (abetted by his mother) is not going to 'go quietly' you will need to continue to be strong and take some needed steps.

First, yes, log a harassment complaint with the police since they've said you can do so. This is important. You need to begin building a 'paper record' of his actions. If he knew that your wonderful FM was with you, stress this to the police. I see you've done this. Good for you!!!

Second (and yes, this is controversial) if you feel there is the least chance that he will try to gain entry, change your locks or the lock barrels. Let your landlord know (and why) and give them the new key. Keep the old lock and key in case the LL wants it put back if/when you move. The home is in your sole name and was your pre-marital residence. The worst that could happen is that you plead ignorance based on those facts and you'll have to give him a key. If that's too big a step for you, get chains installed on the doors. It won't stop him from entering when you're gone, but will prevent a 'nasty surprise'.

Third, if there are any joint finances, separate them. Take exactly half, open accounts in your name and put it there.

Fourth, see a solicitor. Lay everything out before them and ask what actions you need to take. Take FM or FD (foster dad) with you as a 2nd set of ears.

I know, this is a lot. It doesn't all have to be done tomorrow. Just start taking steps to get it done as you are able.

ADDED; I see you're going to FM's. Good. If you have important papers at your place (birth certs, marriage cert, passports, financial records) take them with you and store them at FM's). Also, changing locks won't be that urgent if you aren't going to be there, other than to safeguard papers and possessions.

I'm so glad that you have seen your GP and have logged your husband's threats with the police. You are being brilliant and really strong for your baby.

I'm sure you will feel much safer at your foster parents' house. I think that your husband and his toxic mum have greatly under-estimated how strong you are and how you hard you will fight for your baby.

That’s so awful. You definitely need to take their advice and log an harassment report.

If he was really concerned about OP and the baby, he wouldn't have pissed off for the weekend, leaving a newly post-partum mum who was still recovering from a c-section all on her own.

After reading the toxic messages between him and his hideous mother, OP was right to block them both. You sound as though you are blaming OP when she has done absolutely nothing wrong. Luckily, the policemen quickly assessed the true situation and offered her advice about reporting the harassment from her husband and MIL.

Are you still under the midwives, or have they discharged you?
I would reach out to the midwives/ HV just in case that is the next angle he comes at you from.

Christ I’m so sorry that sounds really stressful.

Keep really good records of all conversations- screenshot WhatsApp’s, make notes of verbal exchanges with times and dates etc.

Keep in close contact with police, social services, GP and Health Visitor - it’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking they’re the enemy, but the reality is that the more you proactively engage with them, the more they will be on your side.

I’d strongly recommend making an appointment today with either GP or Health Visitor to discuss the stress your husband is creating. Get as much officially documented as possible. Definitely get the harassment logged.

I’ve never heard of it either and I’m almost 60. And I had my first as a teenager.

Sorry to hear everything you're going through. It sounds like you're doing everything right, well done you for being so strong.

I've certainly never heard of it but NNEB Nursery Nurse students used to do placements in a family home with one under 5 and a baby. They were free to the family.

My mum did and she's 80 - maybe different areas provided different levels of care.

I couldn't get past this. He is literally putting his mother before his wife and child. It's kind of incidental what was said.

Absolutely log his behaviour as harassment
Show them all the messages you received
Sorry you've married a total arsehole

Im hoping you did log it as harassment, it will then glag up if he tries to fo it again. And it will look negative against him in the divorce. And protect you from his lies and nonsense.