If you’re an only child would you marry an only child or prefer to marry someone who has siblings?

Blimey this would never cross my mind! Are you sure she really likes him? I’m not an only child and have never had cousins. I’ve never even thought I might be missing out. We don’t see my husband’s siblings. We live away from our parents. I’ve never considered my life to be diminished in any way, I have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends.

My husband has one sibling who we never see. My mother had four siblings who she was completely cut off from for various reasons. My father has four siblings who he speaks to quite regularly and yet when I was young, we probably only saw about once a year at most as we were busy with life and lived quite far away from them. So even getting on with your siblings is no great indicator of them being a big part of your lives.

One of my aunt and uncles have had five children themselves and seem to have a very lively and fun time all getting together on a fairly frequent basis. But they have created that for themselves. We’re completely left out of their gatherings, even though we’re the same age and the cousins live very close to us in London.

My children see one of my siblings more frequently, but don’t look forward to it. I often see them without the kids. Ultimately, it has been friends and a welcoming and social family environment that has been more key. I’m the one who has created and driven that.

only children always have some weird or rose tinted view of what it looks like to have siblings and be a larger family that virtually never looks like any kind of reality. The first poster absolutely nailed it in their response. Developing cold feet with a lovely man who is well adjusted etc just because he’s an only child is absolutely perverse.

I wouldn’t consider it at all.

However, the whole thing has played in factor in my having more than 1 child. I don’t have a big family. My DB doesn’t have kids and possibly won’t ever. DH is an only child. So my kids won’t have any cousins. So yes, i didn’t want to have 1 child and then have them without any family as we started to get older.

TBH if she doesn’t want to create her own only child then she needs to stop agonising over this and crack on with having children otherwise she’ll just be creating the.m same issue with her own child if she runs out of time to have more than one child or struggles to conceive

I am the youngest (by far) of four siblings. They all have children, who now have children of their own. It all sounds great, except the family is so extensive we can never all get together. Apart from the age difference and distance, they have all become separate family groups in their own right, and their plans don't include me. This is just how it is.

To counteract this, I have a small circle of close friends who are my chosen family. They have shaped and contributed to my life far more than my biological family ever has.

My DH is one of three, all close in age. He rarely sees them as they are busy living their lives. It's mainly at Christmas (nightmare!) and big birthdays.

Families don't guarantee happiness. Your friend can have her own family, and start building up from there.

It sounds like she isn't that into him and looking for reasons not to commit. It is such a non-issue.

In your friend's position, it would never have occurred to me to consider the absence of siblings as a disqualifier for marriage. It simply would not have crossed my mind. But then, I have a sibling and in my experience siblings are overrated.

I’m exactly the same as your friend. Always swore I would have loads of children so mine didn’t feel how I did. Life does what life does and we have one lonely child who feels the same way. Her dad has two brothers. They don’t and won’t have any kids. Family is what you make it with who you make it. Have loads of kids with the love of your life and be happy

I'm an only child and have cousins but they're all 20 years older so basically grew up alone.

Siblings don't guarantee closeness or better family relations. I saw that with my own parents. Good sibling relationships are a wonderful thing to have and that I'm envious of.

My partner has an older brother who is very socially awkward and not that close and a sister who is nice but 10 years younger. I liked the idea of gaining siblings but at the same time they've got their own life.

I’m an only child and I married someone with 3 siblings. I wish I had married another only child. They have been a complete nightmare for the last 25 years.

I have a sibling but we're not close, DH has a sibling who lives abroad and they haven't seen each other for a couple of years. We might as well both be only children in terms of "big family gatherings" etc. It's not an issue for us at all.

I’m not an only but my siblings are 10+ years older than me. I never felt lacking i just played out a lot with ither kids on the street. Whilst I have 8 sets of aunts and uncles i never see them . As in i think the last time i saw any was an auntie i bumped into 5/6 years ago and before that a funeral in 2019.

we have a close (ish) relationship with dh family, see them round once a month and see his extended family probably a couple times a year but tbh I find them hard work. Even if your friend meets someone with a large family it doesn’t mean they will be close or get on with each other.

OP, if your friend loves this man, she should marry him and have her own family. You could marry someone with lots of siblings that they never see, or marry an only with good friends whose DC become the “cousins” for your DC. I’m one of five, but my brothers never had children, and once we left home, I only ever saw them occasionally at my parents’ house. I see my sisters, but our children, now grown ups, never see each other. My own DC see each other, but only two of them have DC and they live in different parts of the country. My oldest friend has two DC who are practically my own DC’s “cousins” and who as adults they see much more of than their actual cousins. Even the idea of the family wedding with sisters, cousins, aunts etc doesn’t necessarily happen - why invite to your wedding someone you almost never see? I think the idea of the big, happy family is an appealing one - but in reality, siblings can be very different people and rarely see each other. Your DF’s life will be with her partner and her own family - a lack of siblings really shouldn’t be a consideration.

I've used my name change account for this because it's a bit outing.

So this is my situation, technically my kids have no aunts/uncles/cousins. It pained me but I decided as best we could we would make choices to help offset this.

1. A commitment to have 3 dc (or more) and not stop at 2 unless there was a very good reason to do so - heath etc.
2. Asked certain friends to be godparents who were not necessarily closest friends but knew they'd take it very seriously. We use the name Auntie/Uncle for them.
3. We go on an annual holiday with grandparents. It gives the dc that feeling of family holidays. It isn't always easy but it's always worth it.
4. We get a family photo done annually by a photographer. It sounds silly but it's a reminder we do have family, the family we created.
5. Host events that includes friends/godparents. Typically twice a year, hosting about 15/20 people including dc of friends. I do one in the summer and one a week or two before Christmas. Our friends always say it's so lovely and they see they never host anyone but family. We host friends so they are like family and we are building those memories with others. We invite diverse families so our dc are always seeing families come in all shapes and sizes.
6. Speak really positively about family, both immediate family and chosen family. Kids pick up on the one you set. Do your grieving for the family you don't have and be willing to build the family you do want.
7. Bank holidays almost all our friends see their families, our close friends all do things with their siblings - BBQ's, Centre Parks, camping trips etc. We plan something that feels special even if there's no cousins. Could be a one night city break within our budget, an ice-cream and picnic at the beach, doesn't need to be expensive but it does help them see each family does their own special thing and this is ours.
8. We have friends who live 4/5 hrs away and we try to visit them once a year for 3/4 nights. They have three dc a bit older than my dc so it feels like older cousins. These friends are also visit us.

I will say the dc are confident and feel they have a special family and have one another so don't really comment on missing cousins etc. I do think having more than 2 helps as there's a healthy level of chaos. :)

We have friends who are both only children who also have an only. They work very long hours, in high pressured jobs, they don't do much family time at all. Their dc is 9 and he often cries about being an only child and not having cousins. We are trying to include him in things with our family. Our friends never wanted more than one so they don't feel their choice was wrong for them, but they do occasionally admit they didn't really think of it from his perspective - he only has grandparents on one side due to the others dying young and he has no siblings, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. They aren't really into family time like beach trips, bowling, swimming, mini golf, cinema or things like that. They just don't do it. They work 6-7 days a week. They are very high income but in 9 years have only had 1 family holiday. I think this is actually what their dc notices and misses out on - family connection and less specific people.

I hated being an only child. But I can't change that for myself. I am able to change the feeling of having family and connections for my dc despite not marrying a man with siblings.

I wish your friend luck. It's possible to make her very own lovely family. If she's found a good partner she needs to embrace that and find ways to make a great life together. Be confident in what they can do together.

This would be a silly reason not to marry this man. Your friend should get married, pop out 3-4 kids quickly and make that big family.

One of the factors in why I had 3 kids was that I knew they would have no cousins and wanted to increase the chances of them having family ties through siblings and being able to be aunts and uncles of heaps of kids when they grow up.

I have no close relatives, I'm an only and my parents are dead. I do have six cousins, three of whom live in the same town as me and while we like each other and get on we aren't close and the only time we see each other is if we meet on the street. None of this bothers me in the slightest, and I have never regretted being an only child.

It seems a very strange thing to end a relationship over. I’m not sure what she would really gain by making sure she marries someone with siblings. My husband an I have basically no relationship with each other’s siblings at all, we’re just acquaintances. I married him for him not his brother and sister. Also all of our siblings are child free so our children have still ended up with no first cousins.

If I found someone I loved and wanted to settle down with whether or not he had siblings wouldn't even rate a thought. I am an only child myself and was very happy, never wanted a sibling. My DH had a sibling, they have barely spoken to each other in over 20 years.

The thing is that there are no guarantees in this life.

You could have siblings but they choose not to have kids, nor marry even, or not be interested in family life and don't maintain contact. You could be sibling-less but make a really close friend and your kids and their kids become like cousins. You could have lots of siblings but never see each other. You could have siblings but lose them.

There are loads of ways you could end up in a situation where you feel like you've not meaningful family-like network that actually have nothing to do with how many siblings you've got, and vice versa.

ive never thought about it but a complete lack of extended family or close friends would be a worry. I have very close friends and family and god parents. So have a wider family without having siblings

The grass is not always greener.

My parents were both only children, so I had no aunts, uncles or cousins. I had DB, he hasn’t spoken to the rest of the family for over 20 years, so I may as well be an only child.

DH has uncles and aunts from both sides of his family. His aunts (and cousins) from his dad’s side of the family have nothing to do with his dad and subsequently DH. I have never met them.
Family is closer on his mum’s side. She has siblings and they all had DC. I told DH that I imagined they had large Christmas gatherings when DH was a child. But they didn’t, even though they were close, instead they kept to their own family units. DH saw his cousins through the year when he was young but not regularly like every week. Never sees or contacts them now. I met them once at a wedding

If your friend has found the love of her life then she should marry them.

Then read all the posts on here over Christmas where posters are tearing their hair out with relatives spoiling their Christmas

I would add that - given my own experience - if I'd been able to have children with no difficulty, I'd have had at least two to make sure that there was some familial support for them when I was gone. (Mind you, you can't guarantee that.)

I'm an only child and married an only child.

Plot twist.

In then end, I finished up childless...but at the age of 60+ DH discovered that he had two siblings, two nephews and several grandnieces and grandnephews.

I'm a widow now and they have been a real blessing.

Does your friend not realise that not all family's get on or see each other or go to big weddings?

Fully agree with all of this.