the behaviour of most men

But are they speaking out about them? I travel on trains/buses and go in pubs, I often wonder were all these lovely sons are, because after about half an hour, the disrespect towards women, starts. I don't hear many challenging it. When we were being sexually harassed, from the age of 12, in the 70s, none of the older men were putting a stop to it. I'm sure most of the relatives of the MET police thought the men in their lives were decent. Lovely men left for war, then raped women and girls. There was a poster on here, who was reading about an incident during the war, then was heartbroken to realise her Grandfather must have also committed sex crimes (this wasn't ordered). Male charity workers, swapping food for sex. The anti rape protests in the streets across Mexico/India/Pakistan are mainly women. The only way child marriage stops, is when the townships etc have enough women leaders. Go to the pub, log onto FB and see what the comments are like when sex crimes are reported. One common one is, why wait so long to report it/they must be after money. Men protect men who are pedophiles and victim blame victims of sex crimes, without even realising it. The thread on here about the new Mum, post C Section, being left, sums attitudes up. Women aren't leaving men to their new born, even though they are recovering/on their knees in pain/exhaustion. No-one would be saying it's ok if they did. On the subject of the Police, every televised true crime murder of a woman, could have been solved, or prevented, if sexism wasn't at play. Not one of those other policemen spoke out.

You will be ok though. Aware , but ok.

I'm really sorry that you were mistreated as a child.
I don't recall saying I had a theory as to why some women pick bad boys over dull but decent men, though.

(I do as it happens but I don't recall saying so in my post.)
My post was about what I've observed and the lack of self-awareness that some women have in realising that exciting men are usually trouble.
Which they do.
I'm not judging this, but I'm not going to backtrack, either.

But the vast majority of men you meet wont be committing these crimes

Well , it’s like this. When I actually had choice and agency , yeah I picked badly twice (out of quite a few) , but I think that can be excused since I was a traumatised teen and both relationships were actually fairly short in the grand scheme of things.

However, from the age of 11, the really abusive behaviours I had from males were in circumstances I had no choice over, or worse from men that morally, legally and /or professionally should have been safe.

How does that work with your theory?

Also, how are OP’s choices responsible for the behaviour of men in her wider circle like friends, a BIL etc. ?

Maybe the desperation seen already on this thread that women NEED a man?

It's not victim blaming to point out that some women choose unstable bad boys over dull but decent men.
It's an observable reality.

Unless you want an honest conversation about what makes some women this way instead of silly accusations of victim blaming, forget it.

100% It's baffling. They will lose the horse blinkers after menopause ! 😂

Sadly, I agree with you Op. I'm 56. If I think back over my life, these things spring to mind :

Attacked by a hotel guard on holiday, took a baseball bat to my knees and pointed a gun at my head.

Was followed in a car park by a man with a knife - thankfully I ran to my mates car and hopped in.

I had a man try to get into my car when I was parked up. Thankfully I'd locked the doors.

First husband (of 20 years) cheated on me several times. Also used low level violence like kicking and pushing. When I left him, he beat me up twice and tried to con me out of money.

My Dad was awful when we were kids. Always drinking and punching walls or doors. Always shouting and scaring us. It did not transcend into actual violence, but was still pretty awful.

Of my close friends, almost all have been cheated on by their husbands.

The one who hasn't been cheated on (to my knowledge) has had her DH try to goad her into group sex at sex parties.

Have some problems with my current DH, with not pulling his weight and being quite nasty at times, for no real reason.

Having said all of this, I have found the women in my life to be pretty awful too, with the exception of my Mum and Nanna's, who were saints.

When I left my first H, not one of my friends even so much as called me to offer support. My MIL and SIL's, who I'd known for 20 years, never spoke to me again. They all knew why I had left.

I made new friends. One attacked me because a guy she fancied liked me. Another slept with my ExH about a week after I left him. Another accused me of having an affair with her H, because I was trying to help him get their child off her, given that she was blind drunk and not capable of looking after a small child.

My own sister has also done some terrible things to me - one time I had a panic attack and was hospitalised. She has never said sorry.

I have 2 lovely (adult) children, but they don't see me much, and can take days to respond to messages...not a crime, but makes me sad.

I wish my Nan and my Mum were still alive, I really do.

I've noticed as well, that every time a woman posts on our local FB page, that it's mere minutes, before a group of middle aged men will hop on and be bastards, dressing it up as humour - WTF is that about? And it happens every bloody time.

Also, posts on line about women, always always attract denigrating comments from men. There were a few recently, with pics of Amanda Holden, who is stunning - cue dozens of bald, fat middle aged men, calling her disgusting names. I mean, why? They'd never be able to pull AH, maybe that's why. I don't know, but I find it baffling.

I always remember Jordan Peterson saying that if women could get inside a man's brain, even for a moment, that they would be traumatised at the darkness.

Victim blaming bs

Eh?

Nope. Absolutely true.

And some women will go to Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to excuse men and (consciously or subconsciously) keep the wheel spinning.

Rubbish

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of women who have a pattern of ending up with shits actually had a lot of opportunities with other men who seemed decent but they were not exciting enough.

Not one of them had the self-awareness to reflect and say, 'Hey maybe the excitement means they're unstable!'

So yeah the OP is being highly unreasonable.

She really needs to open her eyes to all the decent but dull men out there. I doubt that she will though.

I think you'll find that there are indeed decent men out there. The trouble is that they can be very boring with it so the may be invisible to a lot of people like the OP.
A lot of women appreciate their value, though.

Quite simply, she's talking nonsense.

(Obviously any men who commit crimes against children and commit violent crime are pure scum and deserve the death penalty.)

Sorry to hear that . I hope you have the chance to heal .

You need to grow up a bit on the BIL one.
You don't know what went on in the marriage.

Ffs.

Jesus I’m so sorry to hear that @WadingThroughWreckage it is unbearably tough to be confronted with such horrendous situations. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Two weeks ago I would not have totally agreed with you, @notevensurprised . I have been married for 37 years to my best friend, my soul mate, my person who has always had my back. Every time I read on here about another woman being treated appallingly, I see myself in past relationships but thankfully I have one of the "good guys". Everyone loves him, he is kind and caring and I felt so lucky that we met. Every other man in my life has disappointed me in huge ways, but my husband has remained strong and steady and kind.

That's what I would have thought, until I found AI generated photos on his computer. He did this, knowing the consequences would smash our family's life our lives to pieces publicly. He has had this depravity for the entire time we have been married. There have never been any signs or red flags and had I not seen the images with my own eyes I would have not believed it.

I will never willingly have a man in my life again.

Indeed but they don't want to believe their male relatives are part of the problem, its just the occasional 'other man'. That way they dont have to confront patriarchy.

This. DH is a decent guy (no need for overblown exaggerations), but if I found out tomorrow he was cheating, while hurtful, it wouldn’t be a mindblowing revelation. Because , while unlikely, it’s a possibility and as such I have plan A, B and C in place.

I’d probably struggle to accept some other awful things, like violence as he’s never been violent in nearly 20 years and barely gets angry. But I wouldn’t dismiss it as absolutely impossible either. I’m also aware that he could squish me like a bug if he chose to.

Thanks 😊 this is often kept from us I think, and it's pretended that we're simply a bit different looking to men, when in fact they are massively stronger and more aggressive, and still hold aeons of structural power over us, eg LD, assets, pensions, political experience, connections with the powerful.