"You are not a prize to be won".

RocNRol · 2026-05-29T18:51:48+00:00

My husband and I are on the rocks. When we try to talk about why it feels so disconnected, I will say that I feel ignored or he never asks anything about me anymore etc (he's always on his phone, grunts answers), and he always gets annoyed and he always says to me "you are not a prize to be won". It's his go to phrase. Says it every time. I find it really dismissive but he says he just means it's not his job to 'keep me' or 'make me happy' and it's a two way thing. AIBU to find it a shitty thing to say to your wife, or do people have sympathy for what he's trying to say.

AndresyFiorella · 09/06/2026 22:45

All the best OP. Ripping the plaster off will be painful, but the pain of not doing it will be much much worse in the long run.

Loub1987 · 09/06/2026 22:40

Good luck @RocNRol , you’ll do great. Also, you are a prize and someone will be lucky enough someday, to win it. If you want them to.

Breadcat24 · 09/06/2026 22:34

"But I am a prize that can be lost" should be your reply then boot this arsehole into infinity

Original poster

RocNRol · 09/06/2026 22:28

Embliss · 09/06/2026 22:01

The kids are living this with you. What's good for you is likely good for them too.

Best of luck OP.

I wish. It feels like abandoning them.

OP posts:

Embliss · 09/06/2026 22:01

The kids are living this with you. What's good for you is likely good for them too.

Best of luck OP.

Original poster

RocNRol · 09/06/2026 21:34

Thanks everyone. Ive been reflecting a lot. And im going to try and leave. Again. Ive failed before. And the kids will suffer enormously. I knoe he will never change though and the thought of this forever is starting to seem more daunting than what he may have in store. He can such a nasty man though. Ive got a date in my mind. Im going to do it when the kids are done with school so I can take them away if needed. Wish me luck.

OP posts:

OrdinaryGirl · 05/06/2026 07:54

LTB. Every update I’m reading is so sad 😞 - I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this OP. 💐
Please seek help IRL. Your kids can see what’s going on. Picture one of them being in a marriage where their spouse says this kind of stuff - it’s heartbreaking. They need to grow up learning what a healthy relationship looks like and to know when to get out.

plsdontlookatme · 02/06/2026 20:43

ToTheRamen · 30/05/2026 15:36

Any advice that starts with ‘girl’ is Jerry Springer/ Dr Phil tripe. We see the clicky false nails and brittle attitude and… nah.

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To you, maybe. It's quite normal among women my age.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2026 16:41

You really lost with this one, didn't you?

He's not a prize, he's the already opened with fingermarks eyeshadow palette that slipped into the raffle.

Bin him, let him think that having the kids 50% would be amazing for your career and future dating prospects. He'll move Heaven and Earth to avoid that - and the children already know he's being absolutely shitty to you, so will know that it's not you destroying anything, it's him being mean all the time that has.

It'll be worth every penny to buy him out of the house - not that he contributes much to it in any case.

Your prize will be not having to deal with his negging shit 24/7.

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2026 16:22

But the impact of their dad cannot be prevented. H would get 5050 and he would happily tell his children that mummy has destroyed the family

Offer him 50/50 as a starting point. Tell him it would help you out loads because it makes it easier for you with work, and because you want the DC to have two settled homes. If he takes 50/50 after that, I’d eat my hat, because having power over you and thinking that he’s making your life harder will be far more important to him. And then get the DC into counselling so they learn from an independent source that that’s not true.

Firefly100 · 31/05/2026 16:21

”You are not a prize to be won” - and you are not a burden to be endured. It isn’t your responsibility to make me happy and it isn’t my responsibility to put up with you if I am unhappy.

tsmainsqueeze · 31/05/2026 16:09

RocNRol · 29/05/2026 23:19

I think he might actually hate me. I tried to leave last year as he was so rude to me but he begged and begged "never love anyone again. Youre my family, my life" blah blah.. He sorted and paid for therapy (wow!). He was a wreck. I dont understand. Now here we are again. If he hates me...why can't he let me go.

"Not a prize to be won". It sums up so much. He's v insecure as a person.

I did a social media video for work recently and he just replied "looking like that???" And when I said "thats not nice" he says "oh no i just wondered if you'd got changed. Don't be sensitive"

Im a fool arent I.

Its hard living with someone who says these things all the time. Feel like im going mad.

I just deleted the post i was about to send after re reading this .
He sounds completely unworthy of you .
Leave him , make a better life for yourself and be happy.

Petrolitis · 31/05/2026 15:59

OP you'll have a lot more energy once you dump him.

The kids already see through him so they will know the truth.

Don't waste your one life

Original poster

RocNRol · 31/05/2026 15:31

Thats true @pikkumyy77 he's so unhappy with me anyway. The sighs smd groans and "im so tired" comments al the time. We run out of milk this morning and instantly he says "no, before you ask, no im not going to the bloody shop. You're just gonna have to wait until I go out later". I go to leave to get some and hes started acting like im the problem. He wont do things. But he doesn't want me to do things either. Its so exhausting

I really want to try to split. It wont be pretty!

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pikkumyy77 · 31/05/2026 12:11

RocNRol · 31/05/2026 11:43

They are v attached to me. Never rude to me. Lots of "i love you mummy forever and ever" and "one more cuddle". They are primary school age. But I have the same fear too. At the moment, the younger one in particular tells daddy off is he isnt listening or helping.

But the impact of their dad cannot be prevented. H would get 5050 and he would happily tell his children that mummy has destroyed the family.

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He’s doing this NOW. And the children needing to protect you or correct him is sweet but a huge red flag for later emotional issues. I am a therapist, btw, and the adults who had to “rescue” one parent from another are lovely people but often quite damaged. They seek out difficult relationships where they can rescue someone. They take on too much responsibility. They end up co-dependent out of good motives.

Look at your response to his collapse into selfishness, isolation, and outright abusive behavior. You worry about him! You over function do he can under function. The harder you try to save this drowning man the more he viciously drags you down to drown yourself. Just cut your losses and give the children a happy home half the time and a happier mother.

Scarba · 31/05/2026 11:52

He is an insecure contemptible little nobody. The next phase of your life will start now. Your freedom will be amazing when it comes, I promise. Show your kids how women deserve be treated x

BeardySchnauzer · 31/05/2026 11:44

I think you are underestimating your children tbh

and do you honestly think he would cope with 50/50?

Original poster

RocNRol · 31/05/2026 11:43

Weenurse · 31/05/2026 00:04

It is very sad that DC see him treating you like that.
Hopefully they won’t start doing this themselves.

They are v attached to me. Never rude to me. Lots of "i love you mummy forever and ever" and "one more cuddle". They are primary school age. But I have the same fear too. At the moment, the younger one in particular tells daddy off is he isnt listening or helping.

But the impact of their dad cannot be prevented. H would get 5050 and he would happily tell his children that mummy has destroyed the family.

OP posts:

NormasArse · 31/05/2026 00:48

RocNRol · 29/05/2026 22:37

I work my arse off. All the bills are paid by me!

He means that when I ask him to put in more effort he feels he's being asked to fight to keep me. And he says now we have been married 7 yrs it shouldn't need all the effort

And I think there is a woman problem thing. He thinks all women put themselves on pedestals like "impress me"

But i dont do that. Im asking for him to look up from his phone when I come home from work. Ask how my day is. Im not asking for roses and diamonds FFS.

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Cut your losses now.

You can do better. It won’t be difficult to do better if we’re being honest, will it?

JillThePlantKiller · 31/05/2026 00:45

And I think there is a woman problem thing. He thinks all women put themselves on pedestals like "impress me"

That’s quite a red flag for misogyny.

This man is modelling for your dc how to treat a woman, or how to expect to be treated as a woman.

You can’t change their father, but you can change their model of the treatment a woman will accept.

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2026 00:30

The thing is, you are a prize. He won you and instead of being happy that you’ve given him a family, and a standard of living that he couldn’t have afforded by himself, he’s trying to cut you down and make you feel diminished and small. What an inadequate little man. This ‘prize’ crap isn’t about you. It’s about his insecurities because he isn’t the breadwinner.

Problem is life is just so full on. Kids birthdays. Work trips. Friends 40ths where we are both invited. I keep thinking "after that thing" but there is always another thing. I camt explain how difficult he will make it. He will happily shout in front of our kids, kick off at a party, refuse to look after kids when I have a work thing

If he’s already doing those things, then it’ll just be more of the same.

Weenurse · 31/05/2026 00:04

It is very sad that DC see him treating you like that.
Hopefully they won’t start doing this themselves.

Original poster

RocNRol · 30/05/2026 22:59

NameChangeMay2026 · 30/05/2026 17:13

OP, I was in a marriage where the contempt for me hung so thick in the air, you could have cut slices off it with a knife. I was also fearful of the consequences of breaking up. He eventually walked out on me, and although I was devastated at the time, I think it was just the shock. When that cleared, being able to get away from all that dislike and contempt and bottomless negativity aimed at me was like being re-born. Like getting a second chance at life. I would realise that I was free of such nastiness and feel overcome with joy and the possibilities of the future.

No one should have to live like you are living. Save yourself, truly.

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Thank yoi for this @NameChangeMay2026 if I let myself imagine living without him I do feel v v free. And almost excited.

Problem is life is just so full on. Kids birthdays. Work trips. Friends 40ths where we are both invited. I keep thinking "after that thing" but there is always another thing. I camt explain how difficult he will make it. He will happily shout in front of our kids, kick off at a party, refuse to look after kids when I have a work thing.

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LizandDerekGoals · 30/05/2026 22:17

BeardySchnauzer · 30/05/2026 21:32

So he’s financially taking advantage of you, he restricts you from doing the things you enjoy and your kids are growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? Is that what you want from your life?

is there anything positive about him?

This. Divorce and cms. He is a leech.

Soulhorse · 30/05/2026 21:38

RocNRol · 30/05/2026 21:28

I wish I could find my anger. I just feel really sad and worried. Not for me really. I know he hates me. Just the repercussions on so many things...my kids mostly of cpurse. But also my own family. His family. Mutual friends. Loss of home. I camt imagine the words leaving my mouth to tell him. He will be livid. You know there are some people who have their own "stuff" to fall back on...a job they love, their friends, not H. He puts in zero effort with most people for years now. Even his best friend just chose someone else to be his best man because H hasn't bothered to communicate woth him for years. Im the opposite. I work really hard. And I make an effort with my friedns. And he resents it. He doesnt want to leabe the hoise but he resents it when im invited to things. I feel it. He actually says I need to be taken down a peg or two and he "doesnt see what everyone else does" when I get invited to things. He says hes joking of course. Everything mean he says is a joke.

JFC, you need to get away from this. Can you book a free half hour with a lawyer? Make a plan and start doing little things towards it. Once you start the ball rolling it will be easier.