to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

Your DM gets the grandmother of the year award ! She's totally bu what does she expect your DSis to do.?

Where does your mum expect the twins to go when their mum and siblings are visiting their grandmother and their dad is at work?

Dm is a twat. DSis should let her visit but if DM didn’t bother then DSIS shouldn’t make any further effort.
Id struggle to come back from that especially if unwilling to visit herself.

If you had 4 children and your husband worked long hours you’d do anything to get out. Poor women. If it was my daughter I would do anything I could to help with her twins.

This is rhe type of behaviour that results in people withdrawing or going no contact and then the grandparent wonders why they never see anyone 🤦🏽‍♀️🙄

How often is your sister choosing to either visit your mum or stay at home with her family?
Is she expecting to see her mum so regularly this is an issue ? I know some people live in each others pockets.

This

What types of things does your DM go out for as you say she is a recluse. Has she always been very reserved and found noise hard?
Does she want to go out and just can’t cope (not relating to seeing her grandchildren)?

I wonder if this is partly a protective mechanism. Maybe she knows her expectations of toddlers are unreasonable, but also knows that she genuinely can’t cope with the noise. She doesn’t want to be nasty with them or snap and shout so is distancing. Then when they get to age she can cope with she would see them.

Unfortunately relationships don’t really work like that.
I find with my autism some things very hard to deal with so I avoid. I don’t always explain because I’m ashamed as I know things should be natural - I should be able to cope. Here for example some people are saying you should be able to cope better with disruption for your own grandchildren, and it’s probably true (I don’t have children)

Just to clarify, all toddlers are lairy at some point 🤣

Your mum has the same expectations with her grandchildren as she had with you two.
No noise, no mess.
Which was achieved through fear from what you said.

The issue here is that
1- your dsister has twins and it’s pretty different than 2 dcs of a different age.
2- both of you are parenting very differently (thankfully!!) than the the ‘being seen but not heard’ your mum expected. Theyre never going to fit in for your mum iyswim

I agree with you, your dsister should respect her wishes.
I also feel those wishes will drive the family apart. There’s no way the grandchildren are going to have a close reiationship with her. Even less so if they don’t see her that regularly.
I also agree with your dsister that taking only the older two is not on. (If that was possible)

The only thing that I would reconsider now is what relationship you (as in you ahd your sister) want either her.
Your dsister clearly wanted a close relationship. But I also think it’s not going to happen. 😢😭
Then review how/when/where/how often you see your DM

Not everyone wants their house trashed by lairy toddlers 🤷‍♀️

This happened to me with my twins and my intolerant foster father. He had been more tolerant but grew intolerant with age. It meant we no longer could visit and now for more than 15 years he and my foster mother have foregone a realitonship with all 4 of their grandchildren. They are all adults now and know the truth and no longer want any contact. Selfish and intolerant behaviour people matter more than houses.

On what grounds? It’s okay for her not to be able to cope with the normal noise and mess of 2 yo twins, as long as she understands there won’t necessarily be a good relationship in the future.

It doesn’t mean she’s losing her faculties

It’s good that your parents were fine about the GC but it’s also fine for your sibling to not want four children absolutely trashing their house. I can’t imagine many people would put up with it, especially with expensive stuff.

I wondered if that was what the OP was referring to but her situation sounds like normal child stuff.

If I was your sister, I would stop all visits. If your mother wants to see her daughter and the grandchildren, she better make an effort for a change. That would be the end of discussion.

She obviously as a ridiculously high expectations of 2 years olds. 1 is hard enough but two!! Of course they will be loud and make a mess. Can she stop them from visiting? Of course, but there should be compassion for such selfish behaviour.

That's cruel.

I'm not a parent, but I'm aware that age can be a handful, and that 2 would be twice the handful, but still they're only small!

How is your mum otherwise? Sounds like she might be developing dementia xx

In all honesty your sister should not go to her mums with the kids (or maybe not by herself if she can’t accept the kids - maybe she should detach from that relationship).
I had 4 under 4. My kids literally trashed my mums house (even made marks in the table 😩 drew on posh wallpaper and the carpet with felt tips 😳) as until you have 4 you can’t understand the world wind of mess especially with such a tight age range. It’s not like managing one or two or three children. Four is a different ball game totally especially with twins. Nothing was said except don’t worry they are children. I was always welcomed there, still now.

With one sibling we was always unwelcomed and to be frank not sure why I bothered visited. It was an inconvenient to them and I didn’t enjoy it. Although with 4 kids I was on my knees and appreciated the company as not many “people / friends” want 4 kids in their house also to go somewhere with a change of scenery.

I wouldn’t repeat it though - we visit once a year that’s all now and it’s max 3 hrs. If I was to repeat or be your sister I personally wouldn’t go to your mums. It’s only time until your sister gains energy and will be upset by your mums behaviour.

Id tell the mum to go to the sisters house. That would be the end of the line. I wouldn’t take my kids to your mums house she can’t cherry pick all children should be treated equally.

Then what is your AIBU?