to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

If you turn it around maybe your Dsis could have noticed before that four young kids was too much in one go for your Mum. How long do visits last? I think it’s sad for them both but your Mum is telling you she can’t cope.

My FIL was very unwelcoming to his grandchildren and grumbled the whole time about them even though they were very well behaved. He now grumbles that they never visit him in his care home. The grandchildren (late teens)are very close to their other grandparents and are often round there helping out with the garden or tech issues or just having a cup of tea and a chat. The effort that the adults put in when the children were younger led to a very positive situation for all of them.

I don't know why your DSis bothers. From what you've said your DM expects the older ones to spend most of the visits on their screens. She doesn't help with any of them. She won't go anywhere to meet you and if she's as reclusive as she sounds then I doubt that she's got anything interesting to chat with her grandkids about. What are these children getting out of spending time there?

It all sounds like going through a pointless ritual to appear like a close family but there's nothing there. If I was your DSis I'd just visit enough to not feel guilty and find better things to do with the children.

It sounds as if your sister has accepted the situation. Your mother is probably not terribly keen on or interested in any of the children or children in general. If she has to put up with them, she prefers them to be silent, invisible almost. So your sister, if she wishes to continue to see your mother, will perhaps need to leave the twins or maybe all her children with her husband when he is not working and pop in to see her mother on her own. It may be that your mother is simply not interested in seeing any of her grandchildren - not everyone likes children. Best to just pop in for a chat and a cup of tea. It's sad but she clearly cannot cope.

Can’t believe this OP hasn’t yet admitted that it is her 2 year old twins that have been banned by her mum.

Obviously will be denied! But if the OP isn’t the sister - then the fact that she’s pretty much dedicated her life over the last 2 days to discussing it with mumsnet and relentlessly basically repeating that her mum is unreasonable (certainly seems utterly fucked up to me to ban your own 2 year gran children from your home but if mumsnet has taught me anything - it’s that some families are awful) is…. Weird

“The internet people!”

Sounds like she is not a very nice grandmother to any of the children.

So win-win

Your sister has an excuse to visit less, all the DC can relax at home instead.
It can’t be that pleasant for your sister to visit with all 4 children due to the stress of keeping her mother happy.

Your DM will get her peace and quiet, but won’t see as much of your sister or the older children. That is the price she will pay for having a spotless and quiet house.

My parents are the opposite and moan the grandchildren shouldn’t be on screens. We try to walk around the park so they can run around and my 15 year old DD is great with her little cousins.

What can you do? 🤷‍♀️
The g/mum is entitled to have her house the way she likes it. The daughter is allowed to feel hurt and offended. The loser, of course, is the g/mum. I'm guessing there's back story, ie g/mum has always been particular and/or daughter doesn't try and minimize toddler chaos.

It is of course up to your mum who she has in her house… but it is also up to your sister whether she wishes to just completely stop visiting !
id be telling mother I’ll see her in 3 years when the kids are at school!

I nanny twins- they are a few months out from two. They are very loud (cheerfully so) and if they get bored with their toys/reading they will literally say ready, set, go and run up and down the hallway. That’s pretty normal for toddlers! Lots of energy, and lots of excitement.

If I was your sister I would gently point that out to your mum. “Yes of course I can understand that they are loud and it feels very overwhelming to you but since I am a SAHM I will see you less if I can’t bring the twins.”maybe you could suggest to your mum that she offers to pay for a nanny if she wants to see your sister more often 🤷‍♀️

I also have sympathy with the mother wanting to spend time with her adult daughters occasionally without the stress of young children - nobody wins in this situation

DM absolutely does have the right to decide who visits, however you need to impress on it is not rational to expect perfect behaviour from 2 year oldss, that she has offended your sister and in all likelihood will not see her because of it.

I wouldn’t bother visiting. Sad that DM can’t see further than her desires and form a relationship with her family. I’m sure she’ll be very lonely in her later years… and not understand why!

Most grandparents reactions to grandchildren are nothing to do with age and everything to do with personality. It’s clear that this grandmother has been like this all along and I find the whole story very sad. My sympathy is with the two daughters wishing things were different and still trying for a decent relationship after all these years.
At least that’s how it comes across to me.

Im sure her pristine house will keep her comfort in the future when she has zero relationship with her grandchildren.

I’d be just as furious at the expectation the older two have to sit watching screens tbh. We are far, far away from “seen, but not heard” in 2026. What exactly do any of the children get out of visiting because it sure as hell isn’t a relationship with her, is it?

It is unfair. Of course your DM is totally within her rights to ban the twins BUT she canot get upset when this means not seeing your sister or her older kids. I suspect that she will be upset once reality kicks in and also suspect that it won't occur to her that it is her own fault as your sister has no one to look after the younger two, not just your her (DSis) being petty.

Honestly? Sometimes you get what you get. My mother always said how much nicer children got as they got older because she found toddlers so awful.

Why not? Do you think the children would be in danger?

From OP's latest post, it doesn't sound as though OP's mum was kind or tolerant when OP and her sister were children:

'She was very good practical wise. Always got to school on time, cooked fresh meals, clean clothes.

Emotionally: abusive, overly strict on discipline, cold and heartless mostly.'

She doesn't sound like the sort of person that should be in the company of small vulnerable children because she seems to be extremely unpleasant.

Totally disagree many 70 years old can manage gc some actually look after them. 70 is not that old.
OP says that her DSis tidies her before she leaves so if she wants to see the two older ones she needs to accept the twins as well, after all she is not looking after 4 children on her own, they are just visiting with their mum.

I thought that was the older ones but I may have misread.

Love the username btw 😬 I am reading it in Donna’s voice