to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

I'm not usually a promoter of screens but it's probably better for them to spend time on YouTube kids than around a person like that.

When you love someone and care about someone you try different things. She won't consider meeting elsewhere. Even with the older ones she expects them to go on screens and be quiet. She doesn't give a toss about these people.

She had tried and had realised she can’t handle it. Why put yourself through something time and again when it’s not working?

The rotten is because she's not willing to even try. I personally think that her DC are wasting their time here because you can give and give to someone else but if they aren't a nice person any giving won't change that.

If they are your own kids I imagine that could work. I couldn’t cope with it inside or out.

I think ‘rotten’ is a bit strong, she has just chosen not to want to spend time with twin toddlers

I don't know, I find the noise my kids make hard inside but the same noise is fine for me outside. If this was the case of a nice person with some sensory struggles then they'd at least be experimenting to see if something worked. This grandma just sounds like a rotten person to me.

I agree that it is a bit silly to expect her to have changed her attitude towards children.

And even if it were a sensory thing (which it presumably isn’t) then going to the park is not a solution. Believe me if the sensory issue is set off by the pitch and volume of young children, going to an (albeit outdoor) area where there are many more of them would not help!

I think someone who struggled in a sensory way with the toddlers but genuinely cared about their DC would be compromising by meeting at the park or something.

That said I think if your parent did a bad job of parenting then it's not realistic to expect them to do a complete 180 for grandchildren.

If I was your sister then I would just not see her very often. I would just speak to her on the phone regularly. It is her house of course so she can have whoever she wants over but she cant dictate how your sister spends her time. If you wish to help your sister perhaps have the younger 2 for an hour a fortnight so she can pop over to your mums without them. If you aren't able to offer that support then leave it to your sister to work out.

As OP's mum obviously hates small children and both her adult children have small children, unless her daughters put their children into some sort of childcare, and there is no reason why they should do this, her mum will need to accept that her adult children can't visit her.

She can't cope with noise and mess so she is better being on her own.

There is also a happy medium between grandparents that 'take endless delight' in their small grandchildren and those who actively hate their toddler grandchildren. OP's mum is at the extreme end of grandparents who dislike their grandchildren.

What an entitled, controlling, selfish diva! I’m not sure I’d want to expose any of my children to this person. If sis’s MIL is a more reasonable person with, perhaps certain boundaries and time limits, but welcoming and loving to grandkids, OP’s sister should encourage that grandparent relationship and GM should have to accept that her choice will seriously diminish her connection with Sister’s kids. If I am fortunate enough to have grandchildren, the last thing I’d want to do is encourage them to be on screens instead of interacting with real people. Grandma is free to set her requirements. OP and Sis are free to not abide by them and to allow Granny to deal with the consequences of her choices. She might enjoy being left alone and not having to accommodate the realities of time with young children. They can be busy, messy, loud. But they can also be very tender, funny, creative, humourus, and loving.

It’s not comparable. Just because you and your sister have children doesn’t bestow some kind of obligation on your mother to take endless delight in the twins.

As you say, it’s impossible to stop children of that age from being loud and chaotic. Your mother realises that but clearly can’t deal with the noise etc. i get that - I would have a banging headache within the first five minutes as i go into sensory overload

If she didn’t like small children when she herself had them, why on earth would you t
expect her to cope around twin toddlers, with the ear piercing noise and the mess that is expected

You know it’s not always ND though. Some people find toddlers (particularly in stereo ) annoying

And a lot of people wouldn’t. Twin toddlers aren’t everyone’s bag.

It sounds like she’s neurodivergent… OCD or Autism or both.
She can’t handle the noise, the mess, going anywhere herself… and the way she raised you sounds strongly like it too.
Have you ever suspected neurodivergence?

I’m sorry you’re all going through this.. I don’t have any words of wisdom but just thought I’d add this because I didn’t think I saw it any other reply…

"Not theirs " she's the grandmother, a lot of people would love seeing little ones.

I think the best option is DM and DSis meet from time to time for a coffee alone (ie when DH is free) and maybe you could join them too OP. If your DM finds her grandkids too noisy there’s not much else DSis can do if she wants to maintain a relationship with DM.

It is up to her though - many people would struggle with two toddlers if they weren’t theirs.

I know you meant that. I was saying that whether she had a say in the relationship with young children or not, her behaviour towards them was unpleasant and unkind.

I meant she had no say in becoming a grandmother

This is how OP described her mother when she and her sister were children:

'Emotionally: abusive, overly strict on discipline, cold and heartless mostly.'

OP's mum did have a say in the role of motherhood and it sounds as though she was equally horrible to her own children. I can't imagine anyone enjoying her company. I think OP visits out of a sense of duty.

She should just tell the Mum that the only option is to visit the kids in her (your sisters) house. She can leave if it gets too overwhelming for her and she doesn't have to deal with any mess, can go straight back to her neat quiet house and destress. It just depends on whether your Mum wants to have a relationship with your sister and her kids.