to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

I totally agree. In fact, the less help and support these elderly people give to their adult kids, often following on from giving their kids a pretty unpleasant childhood like OP's mum, the more they feel entitled to hands-on care from their adult children. They are basically just mean and selfish at all stages of their lives to the detriment of their children and grandchildren.

Hopefully, OP will make set out her own boundaries in relation to elderly care as clearly as her mum has done in relation to having her grandchildren in her home.

Wanting to have some discussion with other people is very normal human behaviour. As people have said sometimes it gives you insights or ideas that you wouldn't have thought of.

No in fact I’m not new to fora. Are you?

It’s usually an exchange of thoughts and ideas. I know people like your mother sounds from your description. It’s not as rare as it could be.

Perhaps you could confirm what it is you are looking for on the thread?

What’s the other side? Given the comment the op was responding to where you said you’re sure the grandma doesn’t expect to be looked after, and the op says she certainly does, is the other side that you know her mum much better than she does so all the things the op says about her is wrong? There isn’t any other logical interpretation of ‘the other side’ to that exchange except you’re right and she’s wrong… about her mum. Sounds delusional to me.

She has a daughter that regularly makes the effort to take grandkids to visit. So may parents would dream of that.
if dm is houseproud she should visit her daughter in daughters house where the twins have all their toys etc

Anyone would get overwhelmed by toddler twins. If you want a relationship with their mum and siblings, however, you find a way to deal with it.

Presumably she doesn’t see visit weekly anymore? Hasn’t your sister just stopped? If I were her dh, and worked long hours, like fuck would I be facilitating visits on my precious weekends, she obviously wasn’t a great mum to you and your sister either and she’s a terrible grandma. Your sister is surely visiting max once every month or two now. I’d just message every week and say I can’t leave the twins so I can’t manage a visit, hope you’re well see you next time.
send it again next week. Send it again the week after.

Sometimes you do hear something on hear that does make you see things differently. Sometimes it just confirms your opinion, because the counter arguments are unconvincing.

Oh come on. You see it here all the time. Elderly people who had little engagement with kids and grandkids, suddenly expecting younger family members to run around after them, and being bafgled as to why they won't.

Great - then what’s the issue?

If you are just venting and only wanted people to agree, it would have been better to state that at the beginning.

As do the people agreeing with you but I guess that it is okay .

You are determined not to hear another side to this and that’s fine too.

You can’t do anything about the situation so perhaps it’s time to accept it.

Dear Mum

Fuck off you miserable bat. You have four grandchildren. You dont get to choose just two.

Have a nice life.

Yours sincerely
MotherOfNormalToddlerTwins

I was being facetious about sitting the twins down 🙄 It sounds like the best thing all round

I’m sure she’s worked that out - the situation is clearly bad enough for her to decide it’s worth doing

Well it sounds like she wasn’t a great mum so won’t be a great grandma either. When my grandchildren come the place looks like a bomb has exploded as they go from painting to baking to playing with Barbie’s or Lego. It does not take long to clear up and gives their parents a break so we are relaxed with the mess and noise. We have had them over from when they were babies. Your DM does not sound like she is bothered about fostering relationships with the GC if she either wants them on screens or sitting quietly. That is impossible with 2 year olds. If she normally leads a quiet life she obviously finds that noise from young children is too much for her to cope with. Inevitably that will mean fewer visits so she will have to be ok with that and tell her why.

Except that OP has stated quite clearly that her DM does want to be visited. So she does, in fact, expect that. It's just that she wants to see her grown-up children without their children being present. So the cost of not wanting any kind of relationship with her GC is that she is unlikely to have much of a relationship with her own DC either.

If I were your DSis I would stop visiting then. Young children are noisy and can be messy and your DSis can mitigate this by taking the kids to the park first to wear them out and bring some toys to keep the kids amused but I get that will be difficult for 4 children especially with 2 year olds. If DM cannot cope with the noise at DSis house then she will need to accept she may not often see them.

I’m sure she won’t expect anything.

She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with the children and that is fine. It’s a shame she can’t see her adult children but presumably she’s considered that before ‘banning’ the toddlers

I mean, absolutely. As long as she doesn’t complain when she sees nothing of a daughter and - this is a big one - she isn’t going to expect care from her daughter in her old age. Either it’s a supportive family who help each other out or it’s a selfish heavily boundaried family who please themselves. The mother can’t have it both ways.

It’s great so many people would enjoy spending a couple of hours with two toddlers. But the mother doesn’t. I don’t see what anyone has done wrong.

Would you prefer her to just put up with it until it’s too much and she shouts at the kids? She’s struggling to tolerate them for whatever reason