to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

If I was your sister I would simply cut contact with your mother

she would not be seeing any of the children again

Why doesnt DM come to DSs house, then she cant complain about her palace being wrecked by toddlers who do what toddlers do.?

I'm just amazed your sister hasn't told her what to go and do with herself. I would have.

Not sure why your sister even wants to visit the old witch.

It's not OP's mum's problem as long as she is happy to never see her daughter and grandchildren again as she refuses to visit OP and her sister and OP's sister can't just leave her toddler twins at home.

Tbh, I'm not sure why anyone would want to visit her. She sounds dreadful.

Come on. People pursue relationships with their parents out of love and hope and wanting to build a relationship with their own kids. It’s unreasonable to hint that someone is a poor mum of young kids if she wants to pursue this relationship. Family dynamics are complicated and not always logical. It’s not like the grandmother is dangerous or has actually done anything to the toddlers yet. Why are you so desperate to critique the sister here I wonder?

This with fucking bells on

Either we are all invited or none of us

Your mum is being awful, unless there’s some sort of health issue? How old is she ? Is this a change in behaviour? Is she finding things generally harder to cope with?
There’s lots of ways around this if really wanted to see your sister. Picnic or walk at the park, or visit your sister.
She just needs to say sorry mum, I can’t visit and not bring all the kids I don’t have childcare. You are very welcome to pop in and see me for a quick cuppa or meet me at the park. If she does agree to meet up keep it short.

Does your mother realise that she's willingly giving up any relationship with her grandchildren?

Sad for your sister to realise that her mother's house is more important to her than family. But at least they've had a lucky escape before the kids think this is normal.

If she wasn’t like this when the other 2 were younger what has changed? Are they significantly worse.

I don’t allow my young children to race around other people’s houses for their own safety as well as respect.

She doesn't want little kids running around her home and messing with her stuff and making messes. Her home is also not likely toddler and kid proofed.

Your sister can't handle all her kids for a visit by herself, that's her problem, not your mom's. She's allowed to set who can come to her house and she's had it with your sister's younger two.

It sounds like DM isnt going to get any more visits then! Whether she wants them or not is irrelevant as she’s made it impossible.

Yeah, than it's tough. However, it isn't your DM's doing.

The main issue is clear - Dsis can't manage the 4 children on her own well enough at the moment.

It doesn't make much sense to talk about fair/unfair here, at the first place it isn't fair to throw the issue at the DM's home when she can't cope with that.

Dsis has a choice now - huff and puff about "unfair" or understand your DM's limitations, limit the visits/prioritise going with her DH for now and take it as a phase, once the children calm down a bit/the older become able to help keeping them occupied, she can get back to more time.

No reason to make a big stand over something which might improve itself in a year.

She can do this if she wishes. 4 years after one of the others was 2yrs old grandma is now 4 years older, probably more tired and less tolerant. On top of this there are 2 2 year olds running around this time. Perhaps grandma can go to them or they can meet somewhere until the twins are less of a handful ?

Then it's time your DM learned the location of the nearest park and how to pack a picnic, isn't it?

She can't complain about the children being noisy if they're running about in the open air, the older two can get off screens and play and the twins can burn off some energy outdoors.

If she doesn't want to, well, then not seeing her grandchildren is on her, isn't it?

I think your mum is being absolutely horrible. I wouldn't visit if I was you or your sister and I'm really not one for going non contact. They are just young kids, and mum has an opportunity to be welcoming and kind (not even going as far as helping) and she is choosing not to. I wouldn't put myself through that and I wouldn't role model to my children that it's ok to be treated like this. At what point will the twins be deemed suitable for visits. It's horrible behaviour

I largely agree with this. If your DSis is feeling generous, possibly she could suggest some less frequent meet ups in a third space (cafe, park etc), but I wouldn’t blame her if she wasn’t inclined to do this.

Mean and unfair. She'll probably moan in a few years that she's lonely and no one visits her.

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Your sister just has to accept it and not go over there anymore.

That’s pretty awful. She cannot act surprised when her daughter doesn’t visit.

If is was your sis I would simply stop visiting. So horrible to say that the toddlers cannot visit because they do normal toddler stuff. And the older two can visit but must be sitting nicely /glued to screens. Awful !

We'll all see you in a couple of years or so mum, the twins should be a bit better behaved by then.