to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

Could they meet up outside when the weather is nice? Kids can let off steam and adults can watch on and chat.

To be fair Ive not read all the answers to your post,
but how old is your mum Op?
Could it be possible she has the onset of dementia/Alzheimer's?

Yeah I get very little child free time too. Certainly don’t use it on someone who whinges about my kids and won’t make the trip to come see me!

(as a result my mother had no relationship with my kids and they haven’t even noticed she’s died)

Absolutely. Your DM can put away any precious breakables. I know someone whose MIL was like this with all three - initially visibly wincing when they ventured near anything breakable. Then she suggested not bringing the youngest. Her DH started to protest but my friend had just had enough - she grabbed their coats, herded them all out and never went back.

OP your DM will become more of a recluse if she pushes your sister away like this. As long as your DM realises that's what she is doing then it's her choice though, she's entitled to a quiet life... And I suppose as the twins grow up and settle down a bit your sister can start visiting with all the children again if she wants to.

Was she like this when you were growing up? Easily overstimulated, insisting on you and your sister playing quietly and not making any mess etc? I can relate if so. My mum used to get annoyed if we 'walked too heavily' upstairs above her as it was too loud and she'd freak out if we accidentally knocked over a glass of milk or what! I'm not saying kids should be able to be loud and wild at all times, but they should be allowed to be children!

It's definitely had a negative effect on me (e.g. being brought up to think I need to be quiet and not inconvenience anyone, a textbook people pleaser!), maybe warn your sister and remind yourself to not become like your mother with your own children!

You DM is absolutely entitled to decide who visits her home (as unreasonable as she's being as she does have unrealistic expectations of 2 year olds). However she will have to accept the consequence of her decision, not seeing her grandchildren or child at least not very often or unless she visits their home (and to be honest if my DM said she wanted to see only some of my children and not the others she'd not be seeing any of them or me)

How often does your Dsis visit your DM with her DC?

Don't see a problem there...

This. Easy answer mum, none of us are coming round

I mean, she’s free to do whatever she wants in her own house, but in your sister’s place I’d probably be like “see you in about 3 years then”.

My mother is the same. Annoyed if she has visits, annoyed if she doesn’t. My 12 year old cousin went there with his father a while ago and apparently he was “a little terror”.
…….. he changed the tv channel.

I wouldn’t want to visit someone so hostile to 2 toddlers!

Well, your sister is at liberty to not visit at all until the twins are older and granny will have to miss out on all the grandchildren. I had this with my parents for a short while. We had to cancel one visit and the next two were much shorter. That took care of about a year (they lived a long way from us) and, fortunately, by the following year both they and the DC had calmed down! I did think it was a bit OTT but I made a point of trying not getting worked up about it as they were well into their 70s and becoming less resilient.

If my mother said this yo be I’d tell her to fuck off!
Also, the children being given screens up shut them up is poor parenting.
both your dm and dsis are out of order

Love him dearly, and he's very well behaved, but still a toddler

How old is your mother? How well is she? I find my 2 year old nephew tiring, and I am only in my 40s and not ill, and there's just 1 of him....

Well, this sounds completely predictable.

your dm does not have to have the twins at her house. It’s her house and what she says goes.

but the outcome will be that she doesn’t see her grandchildren or her child.

presumably she’s ok with this.

To all the people saying ‘it’s not your DM’s fault your DSis can’t handle/is struggling with the kids’.

I had two under 2 and when they were 3 and 2 they were absolutely feral (they are much better at 5 and 4!) I was 10/10 not coping, struggling, not handling their behaviour.

Do you know what my mum did? Invited me over MORE. She booked days off on my non working days so I wasn’t alone in the house with two crazy toddlers who never stopped moving/making noise.

So yeah, maybe OP’s DSis isn’t coping. That’s not a reason to not have her over… it’s the opposite.

(And funnily enough I’m tapping this out in my mum’s kitchen while the 5yo and 4yo watch tv - so it’s all come full circle haha).

We have similar with PIL, as a SIL lives at home and does not tolerate well behaved but normal children. No touching anything, including doors and surfaces. No walking on the grass. Etc. there are significant diagnosed MH issues but no treatment and everyone in the family walks on eggshells to avoid explosions. I do feel sorry for them, but they also live nearby and essentially have no relationship with DC and a weirdly isolated life.

Having a 5 and 6 year old mainly on screens isn’t great. Doesn’t she want to interact with her GC?

It’s her house, she can ban them if she wants.

However in doing so she is actively damaging her relationship with her grandchildren and her daughter. If she thinks that’s a good trade off then good luck to her. But she can’t then complain that your sister never comes to visit and that she’s not close with her grandchildren. She made her bed. Mess can be cleaned and tidied, noise from small children doesn’t last forever, it’s a bit more difficult to repair relationships.

I think if you’re going to make a decision to have 4 kids you might not be welcome everywhere and have to accept that. I appreciate you can’t help having twins. I have a pair myself and they were very hard work at age 2.

That said - my parents were always happy to have my twins plus my sibling’s kids who are a couple of years younger. So yes that meant sometimes 4 kids under 5.

My parents babysat, had them after school / had them whole days in the holidays and they looked after them together so they managed. Not everyone has fit and active grandparents like this.

If she is a bit of a recluse I can see why the noise of 4 children could be too much.

It might be that whilst her DH is busy with his mum then visits stop and then they can start again and maybe just the older DC visit gran until the twins calm down a bit or visit at weekends when DH can come too.

But it’s clearly not the odd hour or two, is it?

The OP says that the adult daughter is a SAHP and visits her mum often. (Presumably because she can’t cope 24/7 with 4 v young children and a DH who works v long hours and needs an extra pair of hands to help out?)

If the adult daughter needs her mums help, then it makes a lot more sense to let the grandparent have the two older calmer children on their own whilst the parent focuses on the toddler twins.

A win:win surely?