to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

Your mum should think very carefully. This will have consequences

how is it a respite day? 2 kids on screens and the Dsis running around after the 2 little ones, parenting them, trying to to upset her mum and cleaning after them.

Or do you not understand what respite means?

But OP said in her first post that that doesn't work for them as a family. So in reality what's going to happen is that her DM isn't going to see her daughter or grandchildren. If she's OK with that, then I guess she can crack on with her rules but it seems a rather sad way to live, putting the state of her house before her grandchildren.

And I don't think it sounds much like respite for OP's sister as their mother clearly has no interest in interacting with her grandchildren. It actually sounds stressful and unpleasant.

You have to be OP’s mother!!! So a home is more important than 2 little grandchildren grandkids?? Are you serious? You definitely hate kids because your take is extremely weird. You’re saying sis can’t handle her kids, why should two year olds be expected to sit still and be quiet for maybe 1-2 hours visit? The mother is an utter battleaxe wench. I’d be telling her good luck, enjoy your poxy pristine home, hope it’s there for you to hold your hand on your death bed because none of us were good enough for you to be around when you were alive so we won’t be there when you’re dying either!! Sounds like she has zero engagement with the 5 & 6 year olds too as they sit and stay quiet using their tablets or watching tv or whatever. Doesn’t sound like a granny at all, more like a childless old biddy who cares about nobody and nothing but her house 😏

The ban didn't come out of nowhere - DM was expressing it doesn't work for her and it sounds that nothing changed. Dsis comes when she has solo care of all four and she doesn't manage it well enough at this moment. The ban sounds as a desperate measure after she wasn't heard.

Those 4 children clearly need 2 adults to be occupied and "behave" as a result. DM can't act as the second adult, so the visits need to change - both parents present, actively managing the children, even if it means shorter and less often.
Cutting DM off just because she can't provide essentially a respite day for DSis seems transactional.

That's madness!

My mam is very houseproud but has no problem letting her grandkids tear through the place, food mess, toys and fingerprints everywhere! She just turns a blind eye and cleans up when they're gone.

My dad is also a total recluse and again doesn't mind grandkids coming in and causing chaos even though he's used to the quiet life and his partner is nearly 80 and doesn't mind either.

I feel like it's reasonable for her to say she can't handle the visits at her house without singling out the twins but she should just visit at your sisters house instead. How is she even meant to have a relationship with the twins if she wont see them at either house?

How old is your Mum?
I've worked with the elderly for decades and honestly some people can become quite intolerant and quite fixed in their thinking.
Dismissing an otherwise lovely mother as a "bit of a dick" is very unfair if she genuinely feels she can't cope.
I'd try to explain that it isn't appropriate to leave the twins out but I'd also try really hard to maintain a relationship with my mum too.

are u the sister?

As many have said...maybe not as bluntly. DM is an absolute dick.

I do have some sympathy for the OP's DM as I am 60 and sometimes find my 3dgc (soon to be 4) a bit full on, I can't imagine what it'd be like if I was 11 or 12 years older! Of course I'd never ban them and enjoy interacting with them but if you're used to a quiet life it can be a lot. I would suggest meeting at a neutral spot or when all the dc are at school and nursery. Keep the bond going through WhatsApp or Facetiming until they get a little older.

I find the idea of 2 kids sat on screens visiting gran quite sad. 2 kids running around, playing and having fun visiting grandparents is much more normal.

Your DM is batshit, quite an awful mother. She should very supporting your DSIS, sounds like she's got a full on time of it at the moment. If i were her I'd give up on your DM for the time being.

As if the few hours a week Dsis and her husband are both available should be used visiting her!

Does your sister actually want to see your mum? Does she enjoy the visits? Does she get anything out of it… conversation, warmth, comfort, a sounding ear, love support?

If none of those , she should stop visiting. If she’s doing it out of obligation or guilt, give her permission to stop.

Is this a genuine post? If do it completely beggars belief They are children. 2year olds sre not supposed to sit, nicely or otherwise. Won't be 2 for ever.

That's disgraceful. 😠
Think about if the shoe was on the other foot and she banned the eldest child, as say she was high energy and didn't sit still.
That would be ostracising that child.
She is ostracising the twins!
Just a big fat nope 👎

She has obviously forgotten how boisterous toddlers can be!
My own mother went through this before she hit 70, and before becoming bed-bound.
She would say my son and his cousins were being too loud when they were laughing and enjoying themselves. 🙄
I would ask them to be quiet, but every movement and sound was scrutinised and frowned upon.
So our stays were cut short.
We ended up visiting every week or sometimes it stretched to a fortnight, as she was poorly and she was too tired for weekly visits with GC before she passed away. 🫤

She wanted my DS to just sit there and chat to her like an old pal and would ask him 20 questions, er... no. He just wanted to play!
So in the end we compromised!
she would play trains with him 🚂 and he would read books to her 📚
That way they both enjoyed each other's company.

I understand both sides, but they won't be toddlers forever. 🙃
The older two were once toddlers, but maybe it's because it's twice the impact due to twins?

I'm sorry but you cannot expect kids to be sat quiet. If she says leaves the twins, I would tell her they all come as a family package and she can visit their house or all meet up in the park so that the DC can all have fun.
ETA: failing that, you could always buy her a pair of ear defenders for her birthday /christmas 😆
@timetoban 💐

Imagine not wanting to see your grandchildren.
No way would i only take 2 of my 4 children.
I think if granny doesn't want them there then they should meet up elsewhere or they risk damaging their relationship

Is it a permenant ban or can they visit again when they're older?

Well, I don't know what you can do about this. Your mother is a bit odd, judging by the little you've told us about her. Right or wrong, she's decided she doesn't want the noise and chaos that come with young children. Unfortunately, that will stunt her relationships with her grandchildren and at least one of her daughters, but if that's what she wants, that's how it must be.

The best thing would be to meet somewhere outside her home for shorter lengths of time, but as your mother objects to being around the younger children at all, that won't work, either.

Your mother has effectively gone non-contact with toddlers (because they can’t visit her and she won’t visit them).
As your sister is mostly the one taking care of the twins, your mother has effectively ended in person contact with her too. Strange thing for her to want but seems like a win for your sister.
She‘s also made a lack of interaction a condition for spending time with the older children.
Your mother may think she can pick up with the twins again when they are five, but you can’t just switch a relationship on, you have to build it. Grandparents have their place in a child’s world through their presence, not through genes alone.

That your mother prefers her grandchildren on screens than talking and running around is really sad.

Oh my God! I have 2 year old twin granddaughters and LOVE their visits. Yes, they're lively and exhausting and messy and noisy but so what? I just wish we lived nearer so we could see them more often.

Well then reap what you sow as they say. She's not unreasonable to say she doesnt want them there (id think she was a cunt myself) but if she not willing to compromise on meeting at a park/soft play then that's on here.

Your mum is entitled to decide who is and who isnt allowed in her home.
And your sister is entitled to decide who is and who isnt in her life
No way would I go near anyone who had rejected 2 of my children.