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to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 30/05/2026 11:06

Both my children were happier on the days the spent with other children. It was obvious already when they were 9 months old.

One of my nephews wasn't in nursery until he turned 3 (because his mum had anxiety). He was always lovely but after he started in nursery he became a happy child.

Even if your child is very introvert it is important for her or him to spend time with other children to get social skills. So if you want to look after your child at home and later homeschool you need to ensure that she or he also spends time with other children.

Some churches and libraries have playgroups. You could also sign up for babyswimming, baby choir, or find a local group of other families who also have refrained from using nurseries and schools.

MiddleOfHere · 30/05/2026 10:57

Your child is 1. These are not conversations you need to be having now.

And many people will take a decision to HE as a persinal affront to their own decision to either send their child to school or to be a teacher - and that doesn't actually ever go away completely untilyour child isbpast compulsory school age.

Although, some people do seem to have a very strange misconception that in Home ed, children don't socialise or have any friends.

On the flip side, I lost count of the number of people who announced they were going to HE and then didn't. (IME, the majority of people who joined an HE group with a baby/toddler did not go on to home ed).

ItsPickleRick · 30/05/2026 10:57

teaandaflorentineplease · 30/05/2026 10:52

Can you not see the difference between interacting with one set of neighbours in a time when socialising beyond that was banned and the socialisation opportunities HE offers now the country is not locked down. If I’d said that I wasn’t concerned about the social aspect because we’d be having some play dates with a a friend who HEs her children then people would be fair to be concerned.

The reason why I’m not considering private from YR are for a few reasons. First is there isn’t a private school who offers a play based/ largely outdoor curriculum for the entirety of pre-prep, which would be what I’m looking for. Independent prep schools near me are either religious (hard no, I resent the fact that my local primary school is CoE and I certainly don’t want to pay thousands to teach my child in a belief system I don’t hold or value), academic or possibly both. With private fees being so expensive now, I think people want to see lots of value which more parents see in a traditional education than in play. We want another child and while we might be able to put one child through private school from Reception to Y11, two would be pushing it, especially with fees still rising higher than inflation. We could stretch to two though independent secondary if that path suits and the fees aren’t astronomical by then.

This. There are so many HE groups in our local community we could never fit them all in around the work we do!

Forest schools, soft play, ice skating, swimming, meet ups at NT centres, a HE centre ran by teachers offering a massive variety of subjects, a HE arts and craft group…it’s not the same as it was in lockdown.

teaandaflorentineplease · 30/05/2026 10:52

icybreeze · 30/05/2026 09:11

It seems weird to be sure what is right for your child when they are only one.

One of my children loves learning and would have happily done classroom learning by age 3. He used to tear through workbooks at home, just for fun. Or make me set him lots of maths questions Grin. He wanted to go to school and was excited about all the learning, if anything he was like me as a child and was frustrated by the amount of play in the early years

The other child was caught up in the lockdowns at reception age, I gave up trying to teach her as we were battling. I mainly let her play but she did work with a tutor once a week. She did fine once schools reopened so education wise maybe it was an ok route. But her mental health was clearly hugely suffering by the end due to lack of time with friends. And that was despite playing regularly with our neighbours children (we were all WFH so essentially formed a bubble). She is an extrovert who thrives on the social side of school

So I think you need to stay open minded until you have a better sense of your child and what is best for them

And if you are wealthy enough to live off one salary it's also interesting you aren't exploring private education as an alternative?

Can you not see the difference between interacting with one set of neighbours in a time when socialising beyond that was banned and the socialisation opportunities HE offers now the country is not locked down. If I’d said that I wasn’t concerned about the social aspect because we’d be having some play dates with a a friend who HEs her children then people would be fair to be concerned.

The reason why I’m not considering private from YR are for a few reasons. First is there isn’t a private school who offers a play based/ largely outdoor curriculum for the entirety of pre-prep, which would be what I’m looking for. Independent prep schools near me are either religious (hard no, I resent the fact that my local primary school is CoE and I certainly don’t want to pay thousands to teach my child in a belief system I don’t hold or value), academic or possibly both. With private fees being so expensive now, I think people want to see lots of value which more parents see in a traditional education than in play. We want another child and while we might be able to put one child through private school from Reception to Y11, two would be pushing it, especially with fees still rising higher than inflation. We could stretch to two though independent secondary if that path suits and the fees aren’t astronomical by then.

OP posts:
followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:48

Pixiedust49 · 30/05/2026 10:41

I toyed with the idea of HE for my child. However I did end up sending her to school. I will always remember a day I’d gone into the school to volunteer with an event and walked through a cloakroom area where my DD was getting ready to outside. She had no idea I was there and she was laughing and laughing over something with her friends. She looked so happy. I remember thinking I can’t ever give her that. There are things as parents that we just can’t provide and come from relationships with different people. If that makes sense. It’s not just the education aspect it’s so much more.

To be fair, that’s true of any child with friends. HE doesn’t mean only with parents, no friends, isolated.

I don’t HE but I do know a fair few people who do because I take my preschooler to a forest school and the woman who runs it HEs. They have loads of groups and meet ups, every single day.

I’m not saying there aren’t drawbacks but there are drawbacks to school too and that’s where the whole best fit thing comes in.

What I do know with my teaching hat on is that a child with parents who carefully consider what is best for them but are open to flexibility and change is a lucky child and it’s that we should focus on, not the individual rights and wrongs of a situation.

Mischance · 30/05/2026 10:44

Home educating is great for extremely introverted children ...

A joke I assume....

Pixiedust49 · 30/05/2026 10:41

I toyed with the idea of HE for my child. However I did end up sending her to school. I will always remember a day I’d gone into the school to volunteer with an event and walked through a cloakroom area where my DD was getting ready to outside. She had no idea I was there and she was laughing and laughing over something with her friends. She looked so happy. I remember thinking I can’t ever give her that. There are things as parents that we just can’t provide and come from relationships with different people. If that makes sense. It’s not just the education aspect it’s so much more.

Onmytod24 · 30/05/2026 10:41

You’re creating a problem that doesn’t exist
You found a solution for a problem that doesn’t exist
If you’re bringing up your tiny one-year-old in the way you speak she will absolutely thrive at school. She will love the hustle and bustle and all the different people now and to be stuck at home all day. Oh my I cannot imagine anything more boring for certain children with certain difficulties maybe, maybe sometimes it’s the best thing.

teaandaflorentineplease · 30/05/2026 10:38

CoverLikelyZebra · 30/05/2026 10:05

You have every right to make the decision you've made @teaandaflorentineplease but I don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has. They should keep their opinions to themselves but they will feel as dismayed as a barrister friend would on hearing you plan to self-represent in court, a hairdresser friend would about you deciding to do your own haircut or a dentist would on hearing you plan to do your kids regular dental checkups. You do not know the extent of what you don't know about any professional skill, including teaching.. But as your child is only age one now you have plenty of time to get some good training and qualifications in place so that you can build up the skills you'll need before your child needs you to have them. You are currently at the first peak of a Dunning-Kruger effect graph but you have time to go down the next valley and up the subsequent slope to genuine competence before your child reaches their years of best learning potential.

And people have said that my posts are patronising! Surprisingly I’m not making educational choices for my child to extol my friends’ skills.

OP posts:
followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:35

You could argue that about anything though. I don’t know living in the country is a good fit for my child, or the rural primary school I chose rather than a bigger one or independent. We all do things based on what we think is best, and that may change but OP is saying this is the current plan.

LogicVoid · 30/05/2026 10:33

It's simply because your choice is seen as 'challenging' their choices for their children. You don't need to engage with debate with them - if necessary, just say that this is a topic that's best avoided between you. If they persist, you could always say you find it quite interesting how many ex-teachers have decided to HE their own children, their experiences of school-based learning having influenced that choice (I'm presuming that you are now actively networking and building relationships with your local HE communities and groups )!

sittingonabeach · 30/05/2026 10:24

But OP doesn’t know that HE will be a better fit for her child. Her child is 1. Her child is currently in nursery and enjoying it. OP is considering upping her working hours whilst child is at said nursery and then pulling her out of the education system when she reaches reception age.

Selena94 · 30/05/2026 10:18

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:12

don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has Honestly, any teacher who takes it personally that a parent decides home education is a better fit for their child is so sensitive I wonder how they manage in the classroom.

Not everything is about us!

Exactly. Teaching your own child and teaching a class (or multiple classes in secondary) of 30 children is completely different anyway.

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:12

don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has Honestly, any teacher who takes it personally that a parent decides home education is a better fit for their child is so sensitive I wonder how they manage in the classroom.

Not everything is about us!

CoverLikelyZebra · 30/05/2026 10:05

You have every right to make the decision you've made @teaandaflorentineplease but I don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has. They should keep their opinions to themselves but they will feel as dismayed as a barrister friend would on hearing you plan to self-represent in court, a hairdresser friend would about you deciding to do your own haircut or a dentist would on hearing you plan to do your kids regular dental checkups. You do not know the extent of what you don't know about any professional skill, including teaching.. But as your child is only age one now you have plenty of time to get some good training and qualifications in place so that you can build up the skills you'll need before your child needs you to have them. You are currently at the first peak of a Dunning-Kruger effect graph but you have time to go down the next valley and up the subsequent slope to genuine competence before your child reaches their years of best learning potential.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 10:00

StrictlyCoffee · 30/05/2026 09:56

At one year old you have no idea the child you’ll have at 4. They may be hugely sociable/extrovert and it would be a huge disservice to have them away from their peer group for education. There’s more to education than being able to master the academics.

Hence why the OP has said they're 'open minded'.. they can prepare but also be open minded that it may not work out that way!

StrictlyCoffee · 30/05/2026 09:56

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:25

To get financially prepared? To prepare for the type of education they'd like to provide for their child? To look into what's available locally? Lots of reasons to look into this ahead of time - it would be stupid to go into HE unprepared.

At one year old you have no idea the child you’ll have at 4. They may be hugely sociable/extrovert and it would be a huge disservice to have them away from their peer group for education. There’s more to education than being able to master the academics.

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 09:51

Kingdomofsleep · 30/05/2026 08:56

About "play based" being better from year 1 - when your child is only 1yo, it's really hard to imagine them being 5. My dd is 5... Her teacher described her as "a knowledge sponge" because she's so keen at carpet time. She actually loves sitting down listening and watching and gets really excited when she comes home to tell me about some scientific explosion she got shown, or a fact she got told, etc. Kids grow up a lot from reception to year 1 and no longer want to zoom around between mud kitchen and climbing frame all day. They still get to do that at playtimes of course. But they also enjoy sitting and writing in their exercise book, or carpet time and listening, etc. A lot of children really benefit from calm, seated, structured learning rather than what you call play based.

You can't imagine this yet as your child is only 1.

There’s nothing to say that something can’t be play based and factual / scientific though. My ds has learned a lot just from me talking to him which is nice.

Home education isn’t wrong and neither is sending your child to school. Both parties sometimes get defensive and no one is criticising their choices.

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:46

You've proclaimed that a woman you've never met has failed her child that you've also never met from one sentence.

'people need to accept' - can you hear yourself?

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:44

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:33

Who on earth do you think you are to make that pronouncement about people you know nothing about?

please do point me to the posts from people who have experienced HE their own children?

Topjoe19 · 30/05/2026 09:39

You lost me when you said your baby is in nursery 4/5 days but you are determined to HE. That's nuts to me.

I don't think you've been to many schools, Y1 and Y2 are still very much play based.

But good luck whatever you decide.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:35

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:28

This is just so painfully condescending I don't even know where to start.

I haven't said anything that's untrue though. OP herself has said her teacher friend has zero experience of HE and why would she, she's a teacher in a school not part of the HE community.

People need to accept that schooling isn't a 'one size fits all' and they also need to read OPs post where she clearly stated that she is open minded about this decision.

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:33

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:27

Your friend has failed her child then - there's no reason why her child can't join different clubs and integrate with HE communities to build a social network. This is a failure on your friends part, not HE itself. Also, many kids go to school are socially inept.

Who on earth do you think you are to make that pronouncement about people you know nothing about?

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:28

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:23

Sadly when you do things differently, people take it personally as if you're criticising their own choices.. The teacher who posted has proven this point. Some people simply cannot comprehend that mainstream schooling isn't a first choice.

I have mentioned that my baby isn't even born yet and we're already discussing HE. We're open minded but we're discussing it early at this stage to get us financially prepared... My DHs friend is an experienced teacher and has said he would never put his kids through the school system - we also have friends that HE and they do a fantastic job, we also have friends who's kids thrive in school but also family who's kids are failing in school.. Ironically, I don't know of any HE kids that are 'behind' or 'struggling socially'...

Ignore the nay-sayers on here - when you look at the comments they're from people who simply have zero experience of HE. Like your friend in this case.

This is just so painfully condescending I don't even know where to start.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:27

JuliettaCaeser · 30/05/2026 09:14

My friend is heartbroken her teen can’t cope at school. She now lives a lonely life of home Ed and tutors at home with her parents while her peers live full lives with their friends. Blows my mind anyone would actively choose that for their child. Poor kid.

Your friend has failed her child then - there's no reason why her child can't join different clubs and integrate with HE communities to build a social network. This is a failure on your friends part, not HE itself. Also, many kids go to school are socially inept.