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to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
bigsoftcocks · 31/05/2026 06:24

Ruralmummy25 · 31/05/2026 06:15

The OP doesn't want opinions on whether to home ed or not, experiences of home ed, or whether she's making a decision too early etc, etc she wants advice about how to deal with negative comments coming from friends who she feels are not supportive, being slightly hypocritical and also quite frankly she has not asked for their opinion.
The fact it surrounds home ed not relevant.

The friends offering an opinion have not been asked for that opinion, they are expressing the views that according to OP contradict their previously expressed views and although they may work within the sector, so have more insight than most, they are not experts in that area as they are teachers and not experts on education and the many different methods of education. Just because you work in the sector does not make you an expert in all of it.
The OP is looking for advice on how to deal with this situation.

I also suspect that as they are friends she's speaking to them as a friend, not as a professional and is feeling hurt they're not responding as such. Assuming OP is an adult, there's no safeguarding concerns, has sufficient capacity to make an informed decision and has parental responsibility it is up to her (and other parent if appropriate) to make decisions for their child. These decisions should be respected, don't need to be agreed with but respected and be there if and when she asks for advice or she needs support.

Are you the op with name change?

Ruralmummy25 · 31/05/2026 06:15

The OP doesn't want opinions on whether to home ed or not, experiences of home ed, or whether she's making a decision too early etc, etc she wants advice about how to deal with negative comments coming from friends who she feels are not supportive, being slightly hypocritical and also quite frankly she has not asked for their opinion.
The fact it surrounds home ed not relevant.

The friends offering an opinion have not been asked for that opinion, they are expressing the views that according to OP contradict their previously expressed views and although they may work within the sector, so have more insight than most, they are not experts in that area as they are teachers and not experts on education and the many different methods of education. Just because you work in the sector does not make you an expert in all of it.
The OP is looking for advice on how to deal with this situation.

I also suspect that as they are friends she's speaking to them as a friend, not as a professional and is feeling hurt they're not responding as such. Assuming OP is an adult, there's no safeguarding concerns, has sufficient capacity to make an informed decision and has parental responsibility it is up to her (and other parent if appropriate) to make decisions for their child. These decisions should be respected, don't need to be agreed with but respected and be there if and when she asks for advice or she needs support.

Moonnstarz · 31/05/2026 05:59

The opportunities for home education have increased and there are a lot more groups accessible to meet like-minded parents.
The one thing I would consider further is whether you do see them going to school in the future. While you don't want to map out their education long term, having worked in secondary there were a few children over the years who had been home educated and they struggled the most when in a school setting (presumably due to the enforced rules/lack of freedom/following a set timetable).
What do you forsee when it comes to exams? Although that is a long way off it might be worth considering when you would transition to school.

Shoola · 31/05/2026 05:44

I think it is a bit like saying to a doctor friend who grumbles about the NHS, that you have decided to rely 100% on home remedies. They are bound to think you are being a bit extreme.

Most primary schools finish at about 3pm. Children also get weekends and long holidays. Just because they go to school doesn't mean they don't have any time for other activities/outdoor play.

Homeschooling can suit some children with SEND but I think most children would feel like they were missing out if they didn't go to school.

I was homeschooled during my primary school years by a professional teacher. My academic education was fine and I did loads of other activities. It would have been better for me to go to school though.

pineapplecrushed · 31/05/2026 00:35

kids in reception don't sit at desks.

Loreleily · 31/05/2026 00:33

JustABean · 30/05/2026 20:34

Everyone is allowed an opinion. We home educate and not one but 2 in the last six months teachers have just taken there own kids out of the local school to home educate because one said one to one is nearly impossible and the other said they spend more time wandering from class to class, having days off because school is closed for this and that etc than being taught...our kids love it and there's a few in our town doing it now

Bloody hell. If ever there was a post that proves the point that HE should be monitored closely this is it. It’s badly written, grammatically wrong and almost unintelligible. Poor kids

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 31/05/2026 00:27

As someone who worked in admissions for a primary school, the most problems came from children who had been HEd then came into school. They often had great difficulty in cooperating in group work, would not be able to work in pairs and would frequently be anxious or stressed. The ones who had started in primary, then taken out for HEd then came back fared better. The parents were, without exception (in my experience) a nightmare as they were never tired of telling the teacher, head, office staff and other parents how much better they taught their children.

user678435 · 31/05/2026 00:10

I suspect your friends' reactions are based on you seemingly missing the irony inherent in someone who has their child in nursery before the age of 1, by choice, telling them they and their profession won't be good enough for the same child a few years down the road. There's nothing wrong with nursery or going back to work, either by necessity or by choice, but surely it's all a bit contradictory?

I agree with@Heronwatcher. Why not just smile at your friend and say, oh that will be fun, and move on? The way things are going Putin and Trump could be whizzing nukes at each other any time. Why get into something unpleasant with friends now over something that may or may not happen in the future and is almost certainly hurting their feelings?

hopspot · 30/05/2026 23:22

Pancakesandcream33 · 30/05/2026 22:16

I would say if you have a really good support network and group of friends for the little one then definitely do it. I had to remove my son from school at 7 because bullying at school had turned him into a shell of himself. I homeschooled for 6 months and he decided he was ready to give school another go and wanted to make some new friends. The teachers at his new school have all been extremely rude and judgemental, made various comments about how he will be so far behind everyone else but he went in and scored 100% on his sats. They are not particularly happy that he did well either as he was falling behind before i removed him from the previous school. He also made friends on day one and has settled in perfectly - more confident and sociable than he was before his break from mainstream schooling. Parents know what's best for their own child, not a teacher that doesn't understand their 30+ pupils individual interests or needs - they just think they do. It's their egos talking, ignore them, they aren't your teacher.

As a matter of interest, how do you know they aren’t pleased he did well in his SATs?

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:53

OP have a browse of the comments I’ve endured above and you’ll get a tiny glimpse into how even the mention of home Ed makes people spiral. It’s fascinating.

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:50

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:40

I'm not reading all that. Goodnight

Of course you wouldn’t read something that itemises where your accusations are totally flawed. Keep that head in the sand girl!

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:48

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:40

I'm not reading all that. Goodnight

you literally said you don’t like people who dish it out but cannot take it. You are that exact person. Hypocrasy personified.

August1980 · 30/05/2026 22:46

Op, how have you arrived at the conclusion that both you and your husband are very well educated? How did that education come about? Were you both also home Educated as children? I have a one year old too, we paid for her place at a private school already! (As both husband ani were both privately educated in a school) Still early days for us both (you and me ) ad parents but I am with the majority on this one! You are years out of having to mate that desicion unless you are London based like us and having to work out a school fee budget. You don’t even know who your kid will be in 5 years time! Your friends are entitled to their opinion as are you but I think it would be a failure on their part in this instance to not say something if it’s in the best interest of the child! Maybe they don’t think you are educated as you think?

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:40

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:31

No deflection needed.

For your perusal:

Now to answer some of your accusations:

  1. I doubt anyone would decide against home ed because they don’t like ‘holier than thou’ home ed parents. What a funny thing to suggest, that one would base the educational needs of their child upon disliking an entire community of adults.
  2. I didn’t call anyone simple. Did you skim read what I wrote? I said unless someone was very simple they would be perfectly capable of teaching a young child the basics. That’s the complete opposite of what you have suggested I wrote.
  3. I categorically did not say I am ‘more educated’ nor ‘more capable’ than any primary school teacher. You’re literally putting words in my mouth. I said I probably have a higher IQ than most teachers in our little primary school. That could well be true. I did not suggest I am capable of teaching a class of 28 kids. I wouldn’t even want to try.
  4. When you said That just sounds rather arrogant sorry I doubt you are sorry. You are just trying to apologise in advance for being unnecessarily touchy and insulting.
  5. When you say And as a school parent, it's not for you to tell me I'm standing on a "sinking ship" again just arrogance
  6. I did not imply you ( who I don’t even know) are stood on a ship or any other vessel that is sinking or otherwise. I was referring to the OP’s friends who are teachers that have form for berating their own education system and have done so for a long while, which actually encouraged OP’s reasons to home educate in the first place. I’ve no idea why you would take the sinking ship reference personally, it was in direct reference to information from the post.
  7. I’m sorry your experience with the home ed community was not fluffy. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, I guess.
  8. Home Ed is a great path and the right one for many, but it's being alongside people like you that would put me off, sorry.
Again you’re not sorry. You’re just being blatantly insulting for the Nth time. ‘People like me’ - gosh, what a way to refer to someone. What are people like me I wonder? I’m sure you’ll be along to tell me, shortly.

I'm not reading all that. Goodnight

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:40

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:26

I’ll add ‘obnoxious’ to the long list of direct insults you’ve thrown at me.

I literally never said I think I am a better parent for choosing home ed. For what it is worth, only one of my three children are home educated so that will wobble your perch a bit I am sure.

It really didn't but thanks for your concern. Yes I do think you have been obnoxious in your comments and you aren't even big enough to admit that you have been insulting to anyone that isn't part of the Home Ed Community and you know it, particularly by using being a mainstream parent as a direct insult. You are deliberately avoiding accountability for your own judgemental behaviour and trying to deflect onto me and I won't have it.
I'm not replying to you anymore as I've made it clear what I think of your comments and it's just getting repetitive now. My point is I don't appreciate Parents, or anyone for that matter who believes they are better than others. As I previously said, Home Ed is a wonderful path but it doesn't make you superior for taking it. Mums get judged over breastfeeding, c sections, co sleeping, using dummies, to name a tiny few, and don't need to feel guilty for sending their child to school of all things. Have a good evening. I have nothing more to say to you.

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:31

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:25

Nice attempt at deflection.

No deflection needed.

For your perusal:

Now to answer some of your accusations:

  1. I doubt anyone would decide against home ed because they don’t like ‘holier than thou’ home ed parents. What a funny thing to suggest, that one would base the educational needs of their child upon disliking an entire community of adults.
  2. I didn’t call anyone simple. Did you skim read what I wrote? I said unless someone was very simple they would be perfectly capable of teaching a young child the basics. That’s the complete opposite of what you have suggested I wrote.
  3. I categorically did not say I am ‘more educated’ nor ‘more capable’ than any primary school teacher. You’re literally putting words in my mouth. I said I probably have a higher IQ than most teachers in our little primary school. That could well be true. I did not suggest I am capable of teaching a class of 28 kids. I wouldn’t even want to try.
  4. When you said That just sounds rather arrogant sorry I doubt you are sorry. You are just trying to apologise in advance for being unnecessarily touchy and insulting.
  5. When you say And as a school parent, it's not for you to tell me I'm standing on a "sinking ship" again just arrogance
  6. I did not imply you ( who I don’t even know) are stood on a ship or any other vessel that is sinking or otherwise. I was referring to the OP’s friends who are teachers that have form for berating their own education system and have done so for a long while, which actually encouraged OP’s reasons to home educate in the first place. I’ve no idea why you would take the sinking ship reference personally, it was in direct reference to information from the post.
  7. I’m sorry your experience with the home ed community was not fluffy. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, I guess.
  8. Home Ed is a great path and the right one for many, but it's being alongside people like you that would put me off, sorry.
Again you’re not sorry. You’re just being blatantly insulting for the Nth time. ‘People like me’ - gosh, what a way to refer to someone. What are people like me I wonder? I’m sure you’ll be along to tell me, shortly.
FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:28

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:25

Nice attempt at deflection.

I’ve literally itemised your comments and replied directly. That’s pretty much the total opposite of deflection.

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:26

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:13

The perfect parent for mainstream 🤣🤣 Get over yourself! So there it is, you've just insulted every mum on here who isn't a Home Ed Mum by implying that mainstream is some kind of derogatory term and play the victim when pulled up on your superior attitude and complain about being insulted. How is quoting exactly what you said insulting? It continues to suprise me when people are deliberately obnoxious and then act suprised when pulled up on it. Nothing worse than those who dish it out and can't take it. Home Ed Parents are on a different path to mainstream and that's great, but you need to understand it doesn't make you a better Parent, I know you think it does but it doesn't and that is a big factor towards the negativity. Why can't you just celebrate your choices that work for you and respect that others do what is right for them?. It's really odd.

I’ll add ‘obnoxious’ to the long list of direct insults you’ve thrown at me.

I literally never said I think I am a better parent for choosing home ed. For what it is worth, only one of my three children are home educated so that will wobble your perch a bit I am sure.

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:25

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:23

I’m not having a pop at anyone. It’s you popping all over the place 🤣

Nice attempt at deflection.

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:23

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:20

Yup that's a comment I pulled up on because not only was it meant to be a jab at non Home Ed parents, it's insulting to Home Ed Parents who don't have a degree as this individual doesn't deem them as competent as them because they aren't as highly educated. They are having a pop at those among their own community!.

I’m not having a pop at anyone. It’s you popping all over the place 🤣

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 22:21

sunshine244 · 30/05/2026 22:09

This post has a lot of misconceptions about how primary schools work. My children absolutely don't sit in one classroom with one teacher every day. They have all sorts of specialist teachers coming in and out - music, sports, arts etc. There's buddy schemes for P1 and moving to high school. High school teachers and pupils come in regularly to run activities. Older pupils run things like sports, talent shows, fundraising events etc. Parent volunteers come in for everything from listening to reading to supporting school trips. For children who need it there's autism outreach support, educational psychology, learning support etc. Some children go out for small group learning in literacy or numeracy. Some attend nurture groups or other special activities. A local hotel chef does a project for the older kids. There's all sorts of school trips from the local library to singing for the nursing home to all sorts of further away and linger trips. There's sports clubs, choir and other clubs. Sports day, volunteering day, health week... you name it they do it. It's a big standard council run school with issues like all schools but so much fun and variety too.

I suppose its like doctors moaning about the NHS. So much room for improvement but much better than sitting at home trying a bunch of homeopathic remedies 🤣

Your school sounds fabulously equipped. Our little school (London Borough) doesn’t even come close. There were no extras, literally one teacher and no chefs coming in 🤣

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:20

cantkeepawayforever · 30/05/2026 20:32

Firstly you label a Parent who feels they wouldn't have the ability to Home Ed as "simple" and you declare yourself far more educated and capable than any Primary School Teacher because you went to an amazing University.

This bit made me laugh. My STEM degree and PhD are both from Oxbridge, and I am a primary teacher.

The art of teaching primary age is not about imparting your wonderful knowledge, or leaning down from your vast intelligence to inspire a child. It’s what to do when a child doesn’t understand; isn’t necessarily ‘naturally enthusiastic’; has a barrier to learning ; finds something that you find really obvious hard; needs to learn a skill or rather than acquire facts. Breaking down ‘how to spell’, ‘how to throw a ball with accuracy and speed’; ‘how to tell the time’; ‘what is exchange in the context of written arithmetical procedures’ - that’s teaching.

The fact I can do 3 of the tasks well and one of them badly myself is neither here nor there - can I teach them? Can I teach them to a child who is dyslexic or dyspraxic or simply unwilling? Can I find enough different and engaging ways to practice each micro skill within the task to ensure fluency and automaticity, onto which further skills can be built? Can I identify the precise point of difficulty and devise ways to overcome it?

Absolutely nothing to do with my degree. Everything to do with teaching.

Yup that's a comment I pulled up on because not only was it meant to be a jab at non Home Ed parents, it's insulting to Home Ed Parents who don't have a degree as this individual doesn't deem them as competent as them because they aren't as highly educated. They are having a pop at those among their own community!.

Pancakesandcream33 · 30/05/2026 22:16

I would say if you have a really good support network and group of friends for the little one then definitely do it. I had to remove my son from school at 7 because bullying at school had turned him into a shell of himself. I homeschooled for 6 months and he decided he was ready to give school another go and wanted to make some new friends. The teachers at his new school have all been extremely rude and judgemental, made various comments about how he will be so far behind everyone else but he went in and scored 100% on his sats. They are not particularly happy that he did well either as he was falling behind before i removed him from the previous school. He also made friends on day one and has settled in perfectly - more confident and sociable than he was before his break from mainstream schooling. Parents know what's best for their own child, not a teacher that doesn't understand their 30+ pupils individual interests or needs - they just think they do. It's their egos talking, ignore them, they aren't your teacher.

Seabubbles · 30/05/2026 22:13

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 21:57

You sound like the perfect parent for mainstream! I lost count how many times you personally insulted me. It’s like being on the school playground all over again.

Now to answer some of your accusations:

  1. I doubt anyone would decide against home ed because they don’t like ‘holier than thou’ home ed parents. What a funny thing to suggest, that one would base the educational needs of their child upon disliking an entire community of adults.

  2. I didn’t call anyone simple. Did you skim read what I wrote? I said unless someone was very simple they would be perfectly capable of teaching a young child the basics. That’s the complete opposite of what you have suggested I wrote.

  3. I categorically did not say I am ‘more educated’ nor ‘more capable’ than any primary school teacher. You’re literally putting words in my mouth. I said I probably have a higher IQ than most teachers in our little primary school. That could well be true. I did not suggest I am capable of teaching a class of 28 kids. I wouldn’t even want to try.

  4. When you said That just sounds rather arrogant sorry I doubt you are sorry. You are just trying to apologise in advance for being unnecessarily touchy and insulting.

  5. When you say And as a school parent, it's not for you to tell me I'm standing on a "sinking ship" again just arrogance
    I did not imply you ( who I don’t even know) are stood on a ship or any other vessel that is sinking or otherwise. I was referring to the OP’s friends who are teachers that have form for berating their own education system and have done so for a long while, which actually encouraged OP’s reasons to home educate in the first place. I’ve no idea why you would take the sinking ship reference personally, it was in direct reference to information from the post.

  6. I’m sorry your experience with the home ed community was not fluffy. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, I guess.

  7. Home Ed is a great path and the right one for many, but it's being alongside people like you that would put me off, sorry.

Again you’re not sorry. You’re just being blatantly insulting for the Nth time. ‘People like me’ - gosh, what a way to refer to someone. What are people like me I wonder? I’m sure you’ll be along to tell me, shortly.

Edited

The perfect parent for mainstream 🤣🤣 Get over yourself! So there it is, you've just insulted every mum on here who isn't a Home Ed Mum by implying that mainstream is some kind of derogatory term and play the victim when pulled up on your superior attitude and complain about being insulted. How is quoting exactly what you said insulting? It continues to suprise me when people are deliberately obnoxious and then act suprised when pulled up on it. Nothing worse than those who dish it out and can't take it. Home Ed Parents are on a different path to mainstream and that's great, but you need to understand it doesn't make you a better Parent, I know you think it does but it doesn't and that is a big factor towards the negativity. Why can't you just celebrate your choices that work for you and respect that others do what is right for them?. It's really odd.

sunshine244 · 30/05/2026 22:09

FireBreathingDragon · 30/05/2026 19:38

theturtleswims - I could have written this myself, I totally relate to your experience of mainstream.

Our local primary school is one form entry with 28 ish kids per class, per year. This means the children have the same couple of dozen children to mix with from reception to year six (with the exception of one
or two leaving and more coming to take their place). How socially limiting is that?

My daughter had a terrible time there and was academically basic. She was so bullied she started having panic attacks - aged ten. Total
shambles on both a social and educational level.

We removed her in year 5, started home ed and couldn’t believe what we had been missing.

The home ed community is warm, friendly and welcoming. We mix with people from all walks of life - all socio-economic backgrounds, colours and creeds. We have met the most amazing people. The children of different ages mix, rather than a select amount thrown together by chance from the same area and of a certain age, as happens in school.

Surely mixing with different people of various ages is better preparation for the real world than how samey, limited and restricted school is?

My child has come on in leaps and bounds this year. I have sent her to tutors, group based learning, hands on learning (farm school), social (play based) meet ups for home ed kids, as well as science workshops, art classes etc.

She has done masses of sports: swimming, rowing, gymnastics, climbing, hiking etc and made more friends this year than in the previous decade put together. She is so much more confident and passionate about her own education. I am so glad I followed my instinct on this and took her away from mainstreman.

All the people harping on about you not being able to teach your child everything…what a load of nonsense because if I recall, primary schools have one teacher for the entire year and they are also unable to know everything!

I went to one of the best universities in the country. I probably have a higher IQ than most of the primary teachers in our local school. Yet, I do not know everything - alas. Which is why the home Ed community branches out with group learning. We don’t lock our kids in one room and stand there reciting material for them to memorise 🤣

Also, unless you’re totally simple I think a mother is more than capable of teaching a solitary pre schooler the basics. In fact, I think they’d learn faster and then have more time to play and follow other learning interests.

I certainly found my tribe with the home ed community and I suggest you do you and ignore your ignorant friends. It’s usually a case of ‘thou dost protest too much‘ when people get overly opinionated on your
life - seems you’ve hit a nerve and they’ve no choice but to shout at how wrong you are as they stand on their sinking ship!

Best of luck with your journey and well
done for holding your own against the anti home ed brigade of mumsnet x

Edited

This post has a lot of misconceptions about how primary schools work. My children absolutely don't sit in one classroom with one teacher every day. They have all sorts of specialist teachers coming in and out - music, sports, arts etc. There's buddy schemes for P1 and moving to high school. High school teachers and pupils come in regularly to run activities. Older pupils run things like sports, talent shows, fundraising events etc. Parent volunteers come in for everything from listening to reading to supporting school trips. For children who need it there's autism outreach support, educational psychology, learning support etc. Some children go out for small group learning in literacy or numeracy. Some attend nurture groups or other special activities. A local hotel chef does a project for the older kids. There's all sorts of school trips from the local library to singing for the nursing home to all sorts of further away and linger trips. There's sports clubs, choir and other clubs. Sports day, volunteering day, health week... you name it they do it. It's a big standard council run school with issues like all schools but so much fun and variety too.

I suppose its like doctors moaning about the NHS. So much room for improvement but much better than sitting at home trying a bunch of homeopathic remedies 🤣