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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
JuliettaCaeser · 29/05/2026 17:03

The only people I know who HE have been forced to do so due to their child’s SEN. They hate it and would love nothing more than for their children to be able to be at school with friends. Choosing it blows my mind. Covid gave a glimpse into that - no thanks.

Both mine are social and like to fit in with the crowd. They would have absolutely hated HE stuck with me all the time or at groups with me there looking on. It’s just not the same. Schools aren’t perfect but most primaries are pretty play centred in the early years.

lanthanum · 29/05/2026 17:02

I think it is absolutely fair enough to say you don't want to spend the next however many years debating it, and you hope that your friends can accept that and continue being friends.

Two points, though:

  1. 5 year olds do not sit at desks. They sometimes sit at a table for a short while to do an activity - which your child may also do at home. Be careful that you are not rejecting something without knowing quite what it is.

  2. Your child is one. I'm not sure you can be certain what is right for your family at this point. (Indeed, unless you've decided on "one and done", you probably don't even know what your family will be in three years time.) We would have been willing to consider home-ed, but by the time our child was three, it was quite clear that it would not have been best for her. Whilst she learned lots at home with us, she wanted input from others. (I remember her asking her reception class teacher a question on arrival one morning; the teacher answered and turned to me to explain her answer. I explained that I knew and had told my daughter the same thing, but my daughter wasn't accepting it coming from me!) She thrived on being at school, and hated lockdown learning in a way we never expected. She learned better with the peer group around her, despite being a child who was quite happy with her own company in general.

lessglittermoremud · 29/05/2026 17:02

As it’s still far off I wouldn’t worry about trying to defend it. Just either bluntly say it’s not open to debate or smile and shrug it off.
You aren’t wrong, state schools are a crazy place! I worked within them for 10 years, the last couple were dire.
We have family members still working in education (primary and secondary). Two of them send their primary aged children to state schools and 2 of them pay for private schools, due to the smaller class sizes and more nurturing environments.
You may find by the time your little one is due to start school, flexi schooling is an option. I have friends whose children attend forest schools for home ed kids 2 days a week and their parents do normal lessons the rest of the time.
You will always have to justify your choice to home educate to people, it’s not going to stop sadly, so it will become the norm for you to just ignore it.

CeciliaMars · 29/05/2026 17:00

Not all schools are as you’ve described! I’m a teacher of 20 years. Most schools are great. My kids are thriving at the local state primary, learning loads, the oldest has just got into grammar school, they have tons of friends, are part of a community and do loads of fabulous clubs and trips. I wouldn’t swap it for the world.

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 17:00

Dancingsquirrels · 29/05/2026 16:54

Agree with this

Imagine telling any other professional that you think you can do their job, without any qualifications or professional expertise. It is pretty disrespectful

There’s a difference between teaching a classroom full of children and teaching one child. I would never never say I could saunter up to a Year 3 class and jump in. But it’s not disrespectful to a teacher that I think I could teach my my child.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 29/05/2026 17:00

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/05/2026 15:46

What you are working 4 or 5 days a week npw whilst presumably paying for childcare so you can stay home when they are 4 ? Do you have any knowledge of child development ? This is completly backwards

Agree with this entirely- so much research shows that if a child needs more time with parents it under 5! However you are going from putting them in a nursery 5 days a week at 1 then removing them to be with you at 5?!? It’s so baffling to me.

Also thinking you will home school a 1 year old looks rosey!! Wait till they are 3/4 year old and you won’t wait till they are at school as dealing with those tantrums ALL DAY is next level. Kids are different and generally nicer at school and then drop their guard at home.

Stop working now and spend time with them now and find a school you like even if means moving.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 29/05/2026 16:57

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 16:56

It’s not that I’m unable to allow outdoor play, but before nursery I would have stayed indoors on a cold rainy day and probably assumed my child would get unwell from being outdoors in those conditions. Now I have waterproof trousers and wellies because I’ve seen it first hand. I would have been the parent who would have scooped up my child and carried them over the stepping stones, or hovered reminding them to be careful as they climbed the tall slide but seeing how much confidence that the risky play nursery provides gives, I’ve backed off. It’s not that I can’t do it (except for the allotment!) and I’ve changed my parenting as a result but these are benefits from nursery that I’ve seen that I was asked about. It’s why I’m researching HE now so I have time to learn from others in the way I have from nursery.

Okay, so you had a preconception of how she should be parented, then sent her to nursery where she was exposed to very positive things that you never would have exposed her to. You've seen benefits that you would never even have considered otherwise. Why have you decided school wouldn't offer any benefits?

Mischance · 29/05/2026 16:57

I am intrigued by how mumsnet is in the main so negative about homeschooling, but also so worried about the bad experiences that some of their children are having in school.

Homeschooling done well is a very positive thing and that is true throughout the age range - children are well prepared for university or college and not deprived socially, because parents plan in mixing with peers, make clubs/activities available to their children, join with other homeschooled children etc.

Clearly homeschooling done badly is a bad thing, but that is true of schools - good schools are a good thing and bad schools are a pretty grim introduction to the world for many children.

Twisterlollies · 29/05/2026 16:57

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 16:56

It’s not that I’m unable to allow outdoor play, but before nursery I would have stayed indoors on a cold rainy day and probably assumed my child would get unwell from being outdoors in those conditions. Now I have waterproof trousers and wellies because I’ve seen it first hand. I would have been the parent who would have scooped up my child and carried them over the stepping stones, or hovered reminding them to be careful as they climbed the tall slide but seeing how much confidence that the risky play nursery provides gives, I’ve backed off. It’s not that I can’t do it (except for the allotment!) and I’ve changed my parenting as a result but these are benefits from nursery that I’ve seen that I was asked about. It’s why I’m researching HE now so I have time to learn from others in the way I have from nursery.

So you’re not very in tune as to how to encourage or develop your child? Not without guidance from educational professionals anyway? (That’s not a criticism, it’s the same for me - hence school!).

ponyprincess · 29/05/2026 16:57

YANBU to feel upset.

But if they are your friends think of it from their point of view- we all might complain about our jobs but doesn't mean they are worthless. They probably feel criticised by you in what is for sure a challenging job.

There are pros and cons to home schooling which might be more apparent once you try it in real life.

Ultimately, if you value your friends take it on the chin. You might develop a home school group of parent friends too.

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 16:56

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 29/05/2026 16:43

I'm really struggling to understand your logic. You need a nursery to allow your child opportunities to play outside but you're confident you can provide a solid play-based education without school or teachers?

It’s not that I’m unable to allow outdoor play, but before nursery I would have stayed indoors on a cold rainy day and probably assumed my child would get unwell from being outdoors in those conditions. Now I have waterproof trousers and wellies because I’ve seen it first hand. I would have been the parent who would have scooped up my child and carried them over the stepping stones, or hovered reminding them to be careful as they climbed the tall slide but seeing how much confidence that the risky play nursery provides gives, I’ve backed off. It’s not that I can’t do it (except for the allotment!) and I’ve changed my parenting as a result but these are benefits from nursery that I’ve seen that I was asked about. It’s why I’m researching HE now so I have time to learn from others in the way I have from nursery.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutipswich · 29/05/2026 16:56

It really doesn’t make sense to me that you would send your child to nursery and just at the point where they’re starting to interact with other kids and making friends you remove them to home school.

And that you’d give up spending time with your 1 year old to work more days to save up for when theyre school age so you can home Ed. And what, use more nursery days now to allow you to work more?

It’s at this point where working part time and spending as much time with an under 3 is really valuable.

And you have no idea what your DC will be like in 3 years time. Could be really social , thrives on friendships, could be the opposite. Could be ND or have SEN where school may actually benefit.

Your plan makes no sense to me.

cantkeepawayforever · 29/05/2026 16:55

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 29/05/2026 16:46

But you can't even give her outdoor play because you're not "naturally" outdoorsy. You need to send her to nursery so she can do that. So you obviously aren't prepared to explore her interests with her unless it's something you're also interested in?

I think this is a really important point. For both my children, things that I cannot do are a HUGE part of their lives and their identities, and turned out to be things they are exceptionally gifted at.

While I facilitated their initial access to these activities - as a supplement to their school experience, not a substitute - I absolutely needed others (in school and outside) to ‘be the expert adults and peers’ who enabled them to grow and explore these gifts.

Dancingsquirrels · 29/05/2026 16:54

Drivingselfmad · 29/05/2026 13:57

YANBU to ask your friends not to slag off your decision. They’re entitled to their opinion of course, and maybe they see it as their duty to air it, but it sounds like they have done that, and can now leave you to it.

They are probably speaking from feeling defensive of their role. I’m a teacher and it can feel like quite an embattled profession - so much criticism from so many quarters - and there can be an instinct to push back and want people to see the good and the magic in what we are trying, and managing to an (arguable) extent, to achieve. You rejecting the education system could feel, on some hidden level, like a rejection of them and their hard work. But of course that’s not what it is, and that would be their ‘stuff’, not your responsibility to salve those feelings.

Maybe home ed will be great, maybe it won’t, but ultimately it’s your child, your life, your decision. You’re within your rights to tell them to butt out.

Agree with this

Imagine telling any other professional that you think you can do their job, without any qualifications or professional expertise. It is pretty disrespectful

sittingonabeach · 29/05/2026 16:52

I wonder how many people who were home educated do the same for their DC

Coffeeandbooks88 · 29/05/2026 16:51

They don't sit at desks at five. Might have been worth getting that right if you are going to educate your kids. I often think HE isn't for the kids but for the parents to impose their beliefs (unless due to SEN).

sittingonabeach · 29/05/2026 16:51

If your child likes nursery then it would seem wrong to then take them out of that sort of environment and home educate them. I can understand if they aren’t happy. I know my DC would have been confused if they had such a change in routine. They used to play schools in the holidays so I am sure they would have missed it if I had decided that school wasn’t for them, after having been in nursery

Blueflutterby · 29/05/2026 16:51

They are just not your people any more ,
you don't have values in common.
It's makes life difficult
Your people are at all the wonderful home education groups you will find and become a part of .
If you can afford to live of one salary.. ....
Because that will be the biggest hurdle

you are at the start of a fantastic adventure..
and you are going to meet amazing friends and people who align with your values .
My DC are , highly qualified,two have a first in their degree,and have very high paying jobs very early in life ..the other two are still in education
It didn't hold them back

cantkeepawayforever · 29/05/2026 16:48

As someone who has schooled and home schooled their child, and then trained as a teacher, I think you have to plan from the end backwards, not from baby age forwards. What is your aim
for them at 18? 16? 11? 8? How will your plans prepare them for those plans, and how straightforward is the reintegration into the mainstream at that point? No
point in eg planning to homeschool for KS1 and then discovering that no local school has places at KS2; or planning to start a secondary school but finding that you’re in an 11+ county and unprepared for the exam; or planning A levels for university but failing to get the correct ‘entry tickets’ in GCSE form to join the right courses.

I know very very few families who homeschooled ‘all through’. The life of a homeschooled teen becomes lonelier as there are fewer of them, and the lack of specialist teachers becomes more of an issue.

Wild muddy forest schooling is lovely as part of the overall experience of a young child, I agree, particularly if you are recognising that this is not something you would ‘naturally’ provide for them. But you need to ‘vet’ the non-school groups - home ed groups, hobby forest schools etc - as carefully as you vet prospective schools if you are going to use them as such a critical cornerstone of your child’s social education, rather than a supplement to what a good school would provide.

Would a similar financial sacrifice release enough money for private schooling? Some are even more academically focused, but many do have a lot of outdoor facilities.

Differentforgirls · 29/05/2026 16:48

cassandre · 29/05/2026 13:59

Sorry, as someone who was home educated throughout my entire childhood, I agree with your teacher friends.

Can I ask why?

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 29/05/2026 16:46

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 15:46

Yes it’s true that if you send your child to school you’re rendered completely unable to learn about and explore topics they might be interested in.

I didn’t say that though. I was responding to a point where that said that HE is an echo chamber because my child will be limited to what I know. I assume most parents learn alongside their child and explore their interests whether HE or school educated. It’s not something I’m full of myself about anymore than I’m smug I have my child breakfast this morning.

But you can't even give her outdoor play because you're not "naturally" outdoorsy. You need to send her to nursery so she can do that. So you obviously aren't prepared to explore her interests with her unless it's something you're also interested in?

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 29/05/2026 16:43

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 16:02

Huge amounts of outdoor time, experience in nature, risky play, they have an allotment they tend to. I’m not naturally outdoorsy, kill every plant I meet so having the opportunity to get soaking and filthy, and engage in play outdoors for so long is great for my child.

I'm really struggling to understand your logic. You need a nursery to allow your child opportunities to play outside but you're confident you can provide a solid play-based education without school or teachers?

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 29/05/2026 16:42

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 29/05/2026 14:10

I mean, they’re teachers. I’d be more concerned if they weren’t negative about home schooling!

Around half of the home educating parents I know are or
were teachers.

I can see that's not the best advertisement for schools!

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 16:41

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/05/2026 16:29

Fancy taking such a major decision when your child is still only one!

And I don’t understand why you say ‘stop with’, instead of just ‘stop’. I take it you’re not American?

A few people have made such a comment. If I was planning to send my child to the local primary school nobody would be saying that‘s too early to say. Or if I was going to go to church to secure a school place, or move to another catchment people wouldn’t say that my child might hate the school so don’t bother. Surely it’s best that if I’m planning to HE that I’m prepared for it, financially and practically as far as possible. That I have thoughts and ideas for what I might do and have time to see what other families in our area do, how it works for them and whether I can add any of that to my toolkit before we start. I can see what challenges they face and how I might deal with that. I see that as better than deciding on a whim that actually school isn’t right and we’ll wing it while we come up with a plan.

I’m fully aware it will look different to how I imagine. I know it might not work out at all and we may decide that on reflection a school isn’t better. But planning something so important as my child’s education is definitely worthy of advance planning for me. I

OP posts:
Mixerfixer · 29/05/2026 16:38

No-one is told not to plan for school not working out for their child and to have investigated all other education options before completing their primary school applications
Good point.

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