AIBU to keep personal problems private rather than tell my manager?

No one is more private than my husband. When his father died his manager had to know as he had time off work and a day for the funeral. He told the manager he wanted no one to speak to him about this. I assume the manager told the team this. They respected his wishes and he could just deal with work as best he could for a time.

I'd absolutely tell my current manager - he's very big on well-being.

I would have told most previous managers, too, but I might have told some of them rather less detail - certainly one of them, I knew more about what some colleagues were going through than they had told me themselves, and I expect at least two of them didn't want more being shared than health problems, rather than the actual conditions. It was pre-GDPR, but even so, you shouldn't be a gossip as a manager.

Many years ago, I was going through some personal stuff, and I wasn't comfortable talking to my direct line manager, but I spoke to his manager instead (which was rather more human.) I said I didn't know how I was going to feel about the things happening, how it would affect me. He said he wouldn't know, either, but if I had a day I felt I really couldn't manage work, to let him know, and he woukd sort it with my manager and HR. I think just knowing I had that support made things feel more manageable and less trapped by having to be in the office no matter what - which made it easier to be there.

One of my current team just forwarded me a copy of a letter from the hospital- as he said, it was easier than him trying to explain it.

We have lots of support available, and some is available with no manager input, e.g. the EAP. But there are things that it's easier to get support for and manage if the manager knows about it.

If you're just being snappy and miserable, but aren't telling anyone what's going on, a good manager will probably take you aside and enquire. But if you don't tell them, then it's more likely to be a path towards a performance improvement plan instead.

I think if it’s affecting your work and causing you to snap you need to tell your manager. They can help you out with things or suggest sick leave etc.

So talk to your line manager rather than bottling up your feelings. You are not helping yourself in the long run.

Why can’t you just tell manager you are under personal stress at the moment, rather than telling them all the details?

I think it's courteous to either make colleagues aware that something is going on or arrange appropriate leave. Lots of people have very challenging personal lives and it's not a licence to go around snapping at colleagues.

As a manager I would be wanting you to share this with me, I also know from my own experience with cancer how much you want life to carry on as normal after but how certain things such as check ups can trigger the fear and how much you want to fight the fear.
I hope everything goes well for you

I would share this with your boss. It's a very understandable stress to have a check up for something so serious and to be effected by it. If a report told me this I wouldn't think they were oversharing or that they had a chaotic life at home, and it would explain behaviour change at work well.

Telling them you have problems, isn’t the same as telling them what the problems are.

When DH left me, I went into a free fall, I tried so hard to keep it to myself but I was a wreck and my work suffered terribly, I told my manager the basics and I can’t express how fabulous he was, so supportive, he allowed me to take time out throughout the day to fall apart and pull myself together again, his whole attitude actually made the whole process easier for me and work became a bit of a sanctuary from the stress instead of adding to it. I cannot thank him enough, great guy!

If you flip it around - it's not about not being private but allows your manager to support and deploy you effectively whilst you are under pressure - they don't need to know all the details but a simple I am
undergoing Routine annual follow ups right now and I'm worried about them and I feel like it's impacting how calm
i usually am in the workplace - this then allows your manager to offer support as appropriate and not judge your behaviour- they may well have noticed but it is on the employee to volunteer as much appropriate information as they feel comfortable sharing rather than them pulling you to oneside for a chat

wishing you all the best as you wait x

I would explain that you're going through some personal issues and am sorry that it's impacting on your work - and that you'll try to manage better. You don't need to go into details if you don't want to.

This. You dont have to go into all the minute details but yes, you do have to mention that personal issues are affecting you at work. Thats only fair.

There is a huge middle ground between telling them that and giving them your personal diary to read

Sometimes context helps.
Opening up can help with your manager then suggesting a different way of working / temp accommodations while you’re going through a process.
last thing you want is to breach some kind of conduct policy due to your behaviour when you could have potentially put things in place to stop it.

If it's affecting you at work, then I think you need to tell your manager. You don't necessarily need to go into a huge amount of detail, just the general gist - something like 'I'm going through a really difficult time with my partner / child / elderly parents at the moment and it's taking up a lot of headspace' or 'I'm waiting on some test results for a health issue and I'm a bit on edge' or even just 'There's an ongoing situation at home right now that's quite stressful'.

Depends on the dynamic with you and your manager - I've got a couple of line managers (it's a transition period and a bit muddy at the moment) and one I'm very very open with (and vice versa) and she'd probably have been told it all, the other would just get (and be OK with) a "I've got some personal stuff going on making me a bit shorter-triggered than normal - bear with me and tell me if I'm getting close to crossing any lines".

As a manager, it's much better for me to know if something is going on. If you're sanpping at customers, then it's clearly affecting your work. If you're snapping at customers becuase you're worried about a sick child, then there might be something I can do about that, such as scheduling, breaks to phone home, access to our employee assistance programme etc. I don't need to know which child or what they have, but just knowing that there is a personal issue will make a difference.

Yes if is impacting work, tell your manager so they can manage you appropriately, its litterally their job.

No detail is required here, just let them know there's something going on (a family issue, health issues, relationship issue, whatever vague-ry you're comfortable with) and let them know the impact you think is having on your work and how long you expect it to be for. Discuss any reasonable adjustments you'd like (less cust facing work, flexible deadlines, reduced case load, flexible hours) and for how long, and tell them when you'd like to discuss again (e.g 'I'll be in a position to discuss again in 2 weeks tone, should we put something in the diary to review my <reduced cases/flex hours/whatever it is> then)

If you don't need anything to change still voice that theres something going on, that you're aware your mood/attitude/ability might be impacted and while you don’t need any adjustments right now, you wanted them to be aware, perhaps mention you'd be happy to discuss again on x date if you think things are still being impacted.

That's it, no personal info or discussion needed, just enough for them to manage you and your work better.

I strongly believe that people should own their behaviour and make changes where needed. It's not ok to snap at people for no reason. They may also be going through something tough in their lives and you snapping could have more of an impact than you realise.
I think you need to do whatever it takes to avoid the situation repeating - whether thats time off, therapy etc.

Then you can go to your manager and say that you have been having a tough time personally and had noticed that you were snapping and concentration had fallen and you've arranged X,Y,Z that you'll need time off to attend.

I think it depends.

I have been going through absolute hell in the past few months with an elderly parent. I have told my managers in case I need any time off at very short notice. I know that my situation isn’t impacting my performance but it could impact my attendance at some point.

They’ve been nothing but supportive.

You are being unfair to your manager by not telling them. You have already admitted that it is affecting your work performance. By speaking to your manager you would enable them to handle any complaints from other people about your behaviour. If you just carry on performing below par and being rude to other staff then your manager will eventually have to speak to you about it and it won't be to your advantage to only reveal there is a problem as it could be interpreted as making an excuse. Message upur boss this morning and request a meeting.

As a line manager, I’d far rather know there is something going on if it’s affecting the work of someone in my team. I don’t need to know all the details - some people will tell me a lot, some barely anything - but it means I can offer support such as adjusting workload or hours or something like more WFH or a private place to make phone calls.

There may be support we can offer which the employee hasn’t thought of or realised they could use, such as the Employee Assistance Programme or emergency time off for dependents.