Aibu to ask if you would judge

Ooooh I don't know. To be fair I don't know many mums in this situation so it's hard to say. The one I do know is someone who falls in love fast, is engaged after a couple of months type. So, she would say all of her 7 was children was born in a loving relationship, but over the last ten years there's been five loving relationships that never got to the altar. All the partners also have their own kids, and so it's like this always changing blended family with dads and kids coming in and leaving. I think that must be such a headfuck for the kids involved.

A father with children by multiple mothers is getting much more criticism from me. At every number the odds increase that he plays little role in the children’s lives.

A mother is at least likely to be there day to day.

Yes that’s true (that people don’t see a relationship as proper without a child).

Well neither is ideal but
18 Relationship baby, 20 split, 22 new guy, meets kid a year later,
26 second baby, 27 split, 30 new guy, meets kids a year later,
35 third baby, 36 split, 40 new guy, meets kids a year later
43 fourth baby

Feels less chaotic than
24 baby from ONS, second guy in before baby born.
26 baby 2 is born, relationship ends 6 months later.
New guy at 27, moves in immediately
28 baby 3 is born, kicks him out at 29, 30 meets new guy who moves in
31 baby no 4.

Eh?

I think I judge him more tbh. There's a sense of repeatedly walking away from children he'd fathered without giving it much thought.

It’s easy to judge without knowing the reasons why the previous relationships broke down.

I know a lady who has 3x3, she is hardworking owns 2 homes all 3 children are adults doing very well and all have lovely dads, everyone’s happy.

I have 2x2 and I’ve seen peoples faces drop when they realise Dh is not my eldest dad. My sons dad died in our 20s and there is a large age gap between my 2, I'm so very glad i got the chance to be a mum for the second time.

I was lucky that my marriage was a goid one and I managed to carry three children to term. I did have secondary infertility, so I empathise with women who opt to be LPs/less than ideal circumstances. I only judge women who are shit mothers, neglectful, but have another baby. I also judge men for the same.

I wouldn’t judge her for the different dads part (none of my business who she sleeps with), but I would think she wasn’t putting her existing kids first. sane thing for men.

I do know some who’s sibling all have different dads and they got teased mercilessly at school for it

I know someone who has 8 kids by 7 men 😲 - the last two have the same dad (i think)

Well this is the question isn't it. It could be first baby at 18, split at 20, new guy at 22, baby at 26, split at 27, new guy at 30, baby at 35, split at 36, new guy at 40, baby at 43.
Or it could be first baby at 24, not I na relationship. Guy 2 moves in before baby is born, gets pregnant 6 months after baby is born at 26 and relationship ends. New guy moves in a year later, baby 3 at 28, leaves him and moves new guy in at 30 and has a baby at 31.

They're quite different circs.

For a start, my kids all receive the same experience from their Dad. If we divorced, he'd have the 3 kdis the same amount generally speaking. My friend has 2x2, one involved, one not. I can't imagine how hard it is for the older lad never seeing his Dad. He sees the younger ones Dad a bit, but not as much as his brother. That's a lot of inequality.

Now make the one of the four hypothetical Dad's rich, he does 50/50 care and the kid always gets new stuff, no other kids. Loving step Mom. Richard grandparents willing to pay for education and will leave a decent inheritance.

Dad two does Eow and a half decent job in between. A new baby sibling and an indifferent step Mom who moans he comes over too much. Grandparents around a bit, but not much money.

Third has a chaotic life. There one month, not the next. Three other half siblings to three other women so he barely has a relationship with other kids as access is chaotic. Always a new women. grandparents are pretty absent and toxic when they're around, always blaming the women.

4 disappeared before the baby was born. Never been around. No grandparents. Nothing. Just a gap.

You don't think the impact on those kids when she's contemplating the next baby is different to full siblings?

I wouldn't judge a stranger If it was a friend, I would secretly feel bad for the kids having to put up with all the various comings and goings of 4 various Dads coming to collect their kid. How would the kid with the shitty Dad feel if the other 3 have great Dads who take them off to Disney every year and support them through Uni etc. Will the kid with the bad Dad then feel like their life is shit compared to their siblings etc.

Tbf, probably more. A Mom of 4x4 is more likely to be the primary carer for all 4, or at least 5p/50. A man of 4x4, statistically, isn't.

Yes I’d judge her and I’d feel so sorry for the DC.

Yes, I would judge. But would never admit to doing so on a public forum

Yes, of course, why wouldn't they?

On the wider question, I don't think it's good for the children, it has the potential to create severe inequality (one dad is poor, one dad is rich, one dad is doting, one dad has abandoned them etc). Also, can she afford without tax payer support? If she can then it's up to her, if she can't it's irresponsible.

Id imagine most women have slept with more than 4 men. I certainly have

Well I certainly wouldn’t want a man I’d known for less than 6 months around my children. You didn’t mention that in your original post though.

We don’t know that they’re getting child benefit though. I’ve never been entitled to child benefit.

I probably would privately judge. There is obviously a pattern repeating itself and a refusal to learn from it and instead a doubling down.

I know this will get some backs up, but the idea of having different children by different men gives me the absolute ick. I can’t really explain why, but I personally find the idea gross.

I’ve heard it referred to as a 4x4.

Yes I probably would judge to be honest. I would judge someone who had 3 by 3 different men too but it’s not my place to judge anyone’s life choices so that’s on me, not them.

A very new dart board then?