Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

I think it is important and gives access to opportunities and friendships that are more than just school. Mine did swimming, one dc much longer than the other, learning an instrument but they both changed instruments as they grew older, one for saxophone and one drums. Both did cadets and when at primary rugby but neither loved it. Both did water sports and one now teaches water sports and is at a high level for rowing. I never pushed and as they got older they found their own things they wanted to do.

As in does a parent who has adult children have a good relationship with them despite forcing them to do a sport and a musical instrument aged 5?!

I'd say offer them a variety of things to do. It doesn't have to be sport or music and there is no point making them do anything they haven't chosen themselves. Even then they may go off it pretty quickly.

"I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training.
They are not "exhausted" when they go to an afternoon birthday party at soft play (rare thankfully, but some parents still have parties during the week) or when they meet their friends in the park."

But some are exhausted after birthday parties and meeting friends. Mine are.

why does it have to be one or the other?

It doesn't. But it doesn't have to mean clubs everyday either. It should mostly be led by the child, I think. And if the child has no interest in extra curricular activities, then so be it. As long as they are not stuck in the house all day every day when not at school. If all they want to do is play at the park with their friends, then so be it (although I do think swimming should be non-negotiable, but it needn't necessarily be as part of an organised lesson).

We’ve already seen what “just let them be bored” looked like during lockdown. If we needed an example of what can be terrible for children’s and teenagers’ mental health, we have one

That's an extreme example, and not really relevant here - children weren't at school, or able to socialise in any meaningful way at all during lockdown.

Re the tiredness thing....
If they are in wraparoubd car from 8-5.30pm, thats a long day. Anything on top might be too much.

But if they are with parents/grandparents, or a Childminder/Nanny... theres more downtime.

Oh everything at some stage. Swimming, non negotiable until they could swim reasonably well.

Brownies/guides/scouts. Sport is a must they tried a few until they found one they liked so Irish sports GAA and hurling, athletics, karate, badminton. Music which has been a huge hit guitar, drums and piano. 3 kids a variety of the above.

One is now an adult and she has made almost all of her adult friends via her hobby. They really get the value of extra circular which is the most important thing.

I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training

For some kids, that's too much. For others, it will be fine. But some parents seem to think that they are failing their children if their children are not continually entertained by organised activity. It's good for a child to have some down time, to be bored, to have to make their own entertainment. If they are constantly ferried from one activity to another, on top of having to do homework, reading, spellings etc, when do they get a few hours to do absolutely nothing at all? Why are some parent so scared of letting their children be bored?

The only thing I said was compulsory for my two was swimming lessons for safety reasons. They did various other after school activities but they were totally their choice.

You need to make friends with other parents quickly when they get older.

It's life-saving to swap the pick up and drop off at clubs with other parents!

Mine were encouraged to try whatever took their fancy.

Ds did tennis, cricket, rugby and football
Dd did trampolining, karate, tennis, all dofe to leader level for several years, piano

Plus they both had a tutor for maths and they also did swimming lessons

The problems I had was that I could only be in one place at a time😂 We had a caravan which we used at weekends so any activities that needed them on weekends were weeded out, dc preferred being at the van by the beach.

I'm surprised how I fitted it all in, got myself a big family planner calendar to keep on track.

As adults they both still play tennis which makes me so happy because I have a ready made mixed doubles.

why does it have to be one or the other?

Children can do regular clubs and still have plenty of downtime, time to read, play, see friends, and just relax. We’re talking about activities, not military training. Music lessons are often 30 minutes. Football or dance might be 90 minutes. That still leaves a lot of free time in the day.

And let’s be honest: football and dance practice are not boot camps. Most children are there because they enjoy it. They see friends, move their bodies, learn discipline, and have fun.

Even a Saturday or Sunday morning club is usually only one or two hours. That still leaves the rest of the day for family outings, sleepovers, meeting friends, or doing absolutely nothing.

We’ve already seen what “just let them be bored” looked like during lockdown. If we needed an example of what can be terrible for children’s and teenagers’ mental health, we have one.

I also haven’t seen many teenagers whose schoolwork suffers because they have extracurricular activities. If anything, it often seems to be the opposite.

I don't care if other families do nothing or just potter around, but I disagree strongly when I hear that my kids (and their friends) do 'too much". I am not apologising because they don't have time for screen so we don't fight much about that.

If mine wanted to do something we'd try and make it work. All 3 of them had extra curriculars most weeknights and some weekends - different things, various sports, swimming and music. It was extremely busy and I felt like a permanent taxi service, but as young adults they have all kept those things up and are active and busy. I'm genuinely glad that I said yes to all that taxi-ing as it's given them sports, hobbies and different friend groups that they have chosen to keep up at uni and beyond.

When they were young we wanted them to do something like Beavers/Rainbows, and Swimming. And happy to let then try other stuff. As they got older, we wanted something active, and Scouts (they were enjoying Scouts by the way, we wouldnt have forced it if they hated it).

So now they are 13&14. The 13yo does Rugby and Scouts. At school she does darts and the School Musical.
14yo is a Cubs Young Leader, an Explorer, does climbing/bouldering, tennis at school and is involved in School Musical (but probably backstage this year due to GCSEs)

I never pushed music because I was firced to as a child even though I had no talent for it. Im reasonably technically but it was stressful (because my brother was extremely talented!)

I agree they shouldnt give things up on a whim. But we did let DD1 stop rugby after a few weeks, despite her asking for it originally, because it was obvious it was the wrong sport for her.

Best advice... let them be themselves. Dont force something they dont like.

That's precisely what we do. If they try it for a week or two and we sign up, they will continue for the term. Extra curricular build skills of resilience and often a child will quit because it's too hard / they aren't the best (but thought they would be because they are the best at THEIR school). Allowing them to quit is not healthy. And doesn't reflect real life.

Year 2/3 is the perfect time to introduce music, chess and team sports.

DC1 did gymnastics, tennis, park run, music. She is now focussed on music and plays four instruments to Grade 5.

DC2 did cricket, golf, football, guitar and now does football in winter, cricket in summer. Plus competitive chess.

Both have now finished swimming lessons but we do insist DC1 does something fitness based alongside music and she will go swimming herself or park run, whatever she chooses that week.

Don't listen to your friend. She probably feels guilty her kids haven't stuck at anything.

I had to do so many things “to get into uni” I had at least one thing on a day after school sometimes 2. I was exhausted and it wasn’t needed

Swimming was my non-negotiable. I encourage rainbows/brownies/beavers/cubs as they focussed on a range of activities/skills.

I would not force a child to stick at anything they didn't want to do "just because".

Year 1 and 2 are also very early - Y3 upwards is when they are likely to develop real interests.

I think primary is more about being able to try lot of things (and I would agree that they must commit to half term/term or whatever a sensible minimum is), than focussing in on one skill. I've seen children been funnelled into gym/football/swimming etc. at an early age, have to devote a huge amount of time to it and then drop it around age 12, meaning they suddenly have a huge gap in their lives.

There are children at primary school that seem to have a constant stream of activities (at least one every night). Even if they enjoy them, this puts a huge stress on the family to ferry them everywhere and leaves them with little downtime that's not structured.

Mine (now teens) have literally done everything over the years. You wouldn’t be able to name an extracurricular that at least one of mine hasn’t done.

But my kids like to be busy. That said, none of them were taken too seriously. I didn’t care if they sacked off gymnastics one week for a play date etc.

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t change it. It broadened their interests and taught them what they like and don’t like.

A couple have been super valuable though. Swimming, obviously. They are both extremely strong swimmers. Drama, they both did this for about 10 years and whilst they’ve both given it up now, they are very confident public speakers. Art, DS did this for many years through primary. He is never going to be an artist, but he learned how to use art as a relaxation tool which he still uses to this day.

I think that's a very sensitive attitude.

Also, if they don't try something, how do they know if they like it or not?

I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training.

They are not "exhausted" when they go to an afternoon birthday party at soft play (rare thankfully, but some parents still have parties during the week) or when they meet their friends in the park. In real life, no one will really want to spend 2 hours after school in park in the winter when it's cold, dark and wet.

I don't know why it's girls more than boys (but it is!) many girls end up obsessed with horse-riding, horses, and spending as much time and as many afternoons as they can there. Why not. When they are little, you restrict the days and hours but as they grow, you follow their lead.

You can see what you child enjoy or not.

I don't see how they can do too many of anything when you are sensible, one club after school, even every afternoon, that's 1 hour at most.

Kids who have to stay in breakfast clubs and afterschool clubs because their parents are at work 5 days a week and can't juggle, these kids are away from home a lot more and they are absolutely fine. No one is shaming working parents, what's the issue with families who have someone to drive kids around.

For us it was swimming until properly competent. A team sport and scouts.

obviously I would have let them change the sport or scouts if they were unhappy but they weren’t so we didn’t.

My youngest went horse riding. My middle one just wanted to play out (in the days they could), my eldest did activities at hobby level, swimming, trampolining, dance (she committed to that and toured). Being in the Church Choir secured my eldest GC a place at the best, fairly local high school. My youngest GC won't entertain anything. She would have been brilliant at performing and she struggles academically, so it would have been a positive thing. But that's the point, it has to have positive benefits, you have to let children be themselves. As a family, we go on lots of trips and she swims etc. You sound too rigid and doing activities that they don't want to, isn't going to benefit them, plus it might interfere with friendships from school. They both did the extras, amazing science etc offered at school.

If they enjoy the clubs, then let them do them - as long as it's not proving too much for them, too much running around for you, or too expensive.

I think there is something to be said for trying lots of things - but I always insisted that if they tried something, they stuck to it for at least a whole term, and they weren't allowed to quit until the end of a term. With three kids, also didn't have time to be running from one thing to another every day of the week, so my kids did swimming and one other evening club at a time until they were a bit older and it was easier to get them to places/they could walk/cycle there themselves. Many of the school clubs were run in lunchtime, so they joined aw many of those as they wanted - although if I remember rightly, I think school limited them to two per week, so they still had some days to go out and play.

In the end, they stuck with football/cricket for my sons, and scouts/piano for my daughter. They tend to find what they like for themselves in the end.

I know someone will come up with the lazy parent "Kids need to learn to be bored"

It's not lazy parenting to say that kids need to learn to be bored. All kids need downtime. Or just time to go out and play, or draw, or read, or play board games, or a bit of screen time. It's good for their imagination and for their mental health. They don't need to be doing a club every night of the week or doing something organised for them every minute of the day.

I think doing some extra curricular activities is good and normal, but they don’t need to do loads, eg every night (unless they later become amazing swimmers/dancers/chess players etc and need to do so as they develop in the activity). Time to chill at home and hang out with friends is important too.

The two things I wanted DS to learn were swimming and piano, so many benefits of both and swimming of course could save your life. Both were excellent for DS would turned out to be ND as they really helped with his coordination and core strength. Beyond that anything else was his choice but I was happy for him to try anything he was interested in.

After primary he gave everything up but I encouraged him into new interests related to the job he wanted to do as he got older as I knew it would be useful. He's doing a degree apprenticeship now thanks in part to those exta curriculars and loves it.

It depends on the children. My eldest is now 11 and since the age of 3 has always done at least 2 extra curriculars. She has found a sport she loves and does that with a few much smaller hobbies around it.

My youngest is 9. He has tried a few clubs and when younger found them all stressful. He hated swimming lessons but loves swimming with me so he learned with me (we still go weekly and he’ll do school classes). He tried martial arts and gymnastics over the years and it stressed him out. He enjoys doing stuff with parents, football in the park, bouldering, tennis and swimming.

last year he asked to join a football team and he loves it. If he decided to stop I wouldn’t make him join something else but would sign him up if he asked.