Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

Mine are now at the end of secondary. At the time, midway through primary, I started to buckle under the amount they wanted to do. They both did brownies AND cubs/scouts. They both did swimming (got to level 10-so finished), and did dance. I was exhausted! They also did martial arts with their dad. Many parents thought I was mad. I suppose I even thought it was out of hand. But it was our busy life after divorce and it kept us going as no time to stop!

They both carried on dancing. To a very high level (international competing) One wants to make it her life. The other definitely not. But still enjoys it.

Honestly, it has been so good for them. When I see my eldest's friends who literally have nothing outside of school, I am chuffed I went through those few years of rushing around. Mine will have loads to discuss at interviews. The 6th forms were very excited speaking to her at open day events as she had such an unusual hobby at such a high level. They also have a huge amount of friends outside of school and bags of experiences that some of their peers don't. The resilience shown due to set backs and rejections. The feelings of nerves and anxiety before big competitions has really helped my daughters cope with school challenges. Plus they have shown they can stick at something and work hard at it. I'm proud 🫣. They also both have an amazing work ethic. I know this isn't purely down to the extra curricular. But it certainly has added to them knowing you need to work at something to be successful.

But in all of the above, I didn't push it once. It was always their decision. The only thing I did insist on was swimming. Which was the one thing they both weren't as keen on! But all the others, I was just the taxi driver and wallet.

Mine started dancing ages 4. But it was one class on a Saturday morning until they got to about age 10. Then it just exploded. When we started it was just for fun. It also became a routine my SEN DD thrived on.

Do it. But with no pressure or expectations. I would start with swimming actually. Then pick another activity that your DC wants to do. Mine only wanted to do it because her friend started. 12 years later and they are both still doing it together. In fact, being with friends was what made them both want to do cubs etc too. Nothing came from me.

Plus. I always wanted to do a dance class or learn an instrument as a child. My parents couldn't afford it. I went to brownies and guides. I have made many financial and time sacrifices to let them do this. So be prepared for that!

My DD is 3 and does swimming and dance atm. Swimming she started at 8 weeks and although there have been long breaks she is very close to independently being able to swim now.

Dance she started because she asked to at 2.5. I want to find a football club for her (her request) but I don't want both weekend days taken up. Currently one is midweek.

I think having a firm expectation seems a bit OTT. Most of the time mine have had at least a couple of things going on but it's really varied over time. My daughter went from having 4 or 5 clubs to not wanting anything extra for bit, and now does 4 things I think (music, swimming, football, brownies/scouts for example). Oh, and choir.

In year 1 they can be really tired.

I would allow a bit of flexibility, is all.

Mine are all in their twenties now. All three did swimming lessons in around year 1/2. But not forever, a couple of years maybe. Daughter did Brownies and tried dance but didn’t like it. She started piano in year 6 and that was weekly lessons until she went to uni (to study music). Middle son went to Cubs for a bit and did some music stuff at school and a few school plays. Youngest did a mixed ability ball club and then Ju-Jitsu when in high school. So it was all quite low key - I didn’t want a commitment to a weekend sport as we spent a lot of time at our caravan and the kids benefited from that - just playing with their friends. None have them has ever said they didn’t do enough. They get tired after school and for me they need to only do stuff they really want to do not what their parents think they should do.

Throughout primary school, my two DDs picked up choir, badminton, swimming, diving, dancing, gymnastics, drumming, keyboard, musical theatre, athletics and trampolining - all at varying times. Swimming was the only one I was inflexible on - until they passed all their badges. They’re 18 and 21 now - one is at drama school as she really loved Musical Theatre and the other still does ballet. I think it’s the most important thing we did for our kids as they made lots of friends along the way, and it made them ‘well rounded’ adults, knowing there’s more to life than screens (and later on), drinking!

yes sign them up but do let them choose what within reason, whilst music is great (my dc play) I would try and do a taster day to see if they are interested first, perhaps drama, choir, dance, painting or whatever is more their thing. My dc went to a kids concert where they could try out instruments

My year 1 DS does tons of clubs and he is already telling me what he wants to add in Sept 💸. He is in a dance show in July (he does Tap) he is in one dance, my year 6 DD is in 6 dances and he's rearranging in his head how he can get into more dances in the next show by picking up more dance classes but not cancelling any of his current clubs.

I know he does loads (almost every day after school and swimming on Saturday) but he bounces out of school each day ready for the next thing. He likes his brain to be working constantly. DD only did gymnastics and swimming from year 2 and then picked up the dance classes in year 5.

We tried dance classes with DD in year 1 (although it was hard as she was a lock down reception/year 1 kid), but she just didn't enjoy them. She asked in year 5 to start.

You will know if they're enjoying it or not by the way they come out of school and find out they've got x club / the way they come out of the club.

I really love that he enjoys these classes because the ones he carries on with throughout primary school will hopefully give him loads of confidence for secondary school.

My nursery DS2 is already like clubs... Erm nah I'm alright on the sofa thanks 😂

That's great if your dc finish school at 3pm, I worked FT so my ds went to after school club till 5pm.
After that he was hungry and needed to eat and then was too tired for much else.
He did do football from age 5 and then cricket from age 7.. both he kept up till 16 and at 21 he still plays cricket now.
He had no interest in learning an instrument and for the other stuff it was his choice, if he'd have wanted to do other stuff his friends were doing he could have done

My dd15 does a sport that involves a lot of training 6-7 sessions a week though some are double sessions. I’d dread to think what she’d do if she wasn’t doing this. Keeps her fit, mentally and physically. She’s great at planning her time (currently doing exams). She sees friends outside of school once or twice a week but also has friends at her sport. She had very little time to doom scroll on SM.

I think it also makes a massive difference when parents lead by example.

When kids see their parents out and about, going to their own clubs/ sports and various activities around work, it becomes their "normal". It would be a bit hypocritical to force your children to do "clubs" if your only hobby was Netflix.

It's the same with reading. It's not about if they enjoy reading, it's "what" they want to read.

Mine only did activities they chose, but I did encourage them to try a wide range to see what they really liked. Some they stuck with and some they dropped, which is fine. Yr1 & 2 is still very small so I wouldn't cram their after school time with classes - one or two a week is fine and other days, we would just go to the park after school or have a little friend to play and tea or they would go to play at a friend's.

eta: for us it’s really important he does one team sport (doesn’t matter which one and can keep on changing) to foster leadership, good understanding of teamwork and social skills as these are dying in these digital and more isolated times

And that's great if he enjoys it - and I think it's good to try several to find the one he likes. But what if he's tried several, and hates them all? Would you still make him go due to the skills it teaches. My DS was a kids football coach, and, while the majority of the kids enjoyed it, there were sometimes one or two that didn't but were forced to attend by their parents - and they were miserable. It wasn't good for them, and it wasn't good for the team as a whole.

I see the same as a cub leader - occasionally there's a child who just doesn't want to be there, but his/her parents think it's good for them. No matter how hard we try to get them interested, they just don't enjoy it, and it's not good for them to be there.

Attendance of clubs should, in my opinion, be child-led. I think it's fair to let them try things, and if it's not for them, to let them quit (after a reasonable amount of time of trying). Nothing should be more important to the parents than it is to the child.

Mine’s still in primary so may be I don’t qualify but I’ll put my 2 cents in. My kid has an extracurricular almost every day (by his choice). I have found he’s thriving now in confidence and social skills as he’s making a lot of friends (there’s some overlap in kids doing more than one activity so he sees them in other sports/ music etc). Also when he moves up through the levels it gives him a true sense of achievement. Where we live the weather is rubbish about 9 months of the year so it’s helpful that he does all that.
there are times he asks not to go to something as is too tired and I give him a break. I don’t force anything.
eta: for us it’s really important he does one team sport (doesn’t matter which one and can keep on changing) to foster leadership, good understanding of teamwork and social skills as these are dying in these digital and more isolated times.

again, why does it have to be one or the other?

Again, it doesn't ! You don't seem to be actually reading my posts at all!
For some kids, doing lots will be fine. For others, it will be too much. It should be child led. It's ok for them to do no clubs if they wish to. My DS had a friend at primary who hated extra curricular activities, and never did a single one (past trying one or two for a couple of weeks), during his whole time at primary, secondary and uni, and it really worried his mum. But he's grown into a lovely, polite, sociable man, and is the most academically successful and highest earning (by at least double) out of the whole of his year group. So what if he can't play an instrument, or doesn't enjoy team sports? They are just not his thing, and that's fine.

And again, it's ok for children to sometimes be bored. In fact, I think it's good for them. But you seem to be of the opinion that makes me a lazy parent because I hold this belief - I can assure you it doesn't. I just believe that not all activities have to be 'organised', and not all children have to do clubs that they have no interest in. And I say this a cub leader who can see the benefits of extra curricular clubs. As it happens, mine did quite a few, but that was their choice.

My DD wanted to do everything! Tended to be on a whim or what her friends were doing. Some lasted, most didnt but she made friends along the way. We mostly went with it and my only rule was that if she moaned about going then we would cancel because I wasnt wasting my time and money only for her to complain. She rarely did tbf. Swimming lessons were a non-negotiable and we've bribed her into continuing with her chosen musical instrument because she is about to do her grade 6 and is quite talented even though she doesnt love it. We will let her give up after her grade 6 and I think she will appreciate it as an adult. If you can afford it financially and time wise let them try as much as they show an interest in.

See how it goes at that age. My DD was very tired and hungry all the time it seemed during Reception / Y1 age - the school week itself was enough for her, and I just focused on exercising and emotional regulation things / loads of fresh air and things and time in the garden after school.

Aged 7 now she is really thriving and doing well. Does drama class thursday night, a church thing on a Tuesday night, sport on a Saturday morning and sometimes Parkrun on a Sunday.

The growth spurt they have around aged 6 / 7 for my DD has coincided with a big increase in stamina, energy and her moods are not so ruled by hunger anymore.

I encouraged clubs and my children loved them. They're late teens now and all still do sport, two out of three still do music.

It isnt extra curricular or being with friends more, extra curriculars wider the network of friends, which is invaluable if they are ever struggling socially at school.
They learn to be confident meeting new people and trying new things.

I think, unless theres a reason not to, the benefits hugely outweigh the negatives, especially with how sedentary kids are these days.

The only thing I insisted on was swimming lessons. Once they were proficient they could stop if they wanted.
Other then that they both tried different things over the years, a mix of after school clubs and out of school stuff. At the max maybe 4 hours per week but all just things they wanted to try/have fun with.

I get you, I want my kids to have the benefits to the brain and body of music and sport from a young age.

However you can't force them. Just try a few things and see what they like. Be creative! Ice skating if you have a rink nearby, or choir.

DD14 still does loads of extracurricular stuff but none of it is the same stuff she started. I insisted on swimming lessons until the end of primary and she would have carried on if we could have shoehorned it into all the other stuff she does.

My rule was only one thing per day, ideally nothing on Sundays and she either did it or didn't: I wasn't up for her making a decision each week about attending. She'd really like to add netball but I'm not sure when and she admits that herself.

I am happy to take her to things she enjoys but would be less keen if she moaned and I'm not nagging her to be ready on time. she has to manage that. I'll give a 'we need to get going in 5 minutes' klaxon but she needs to be ready.

These days she transports herself sometimes and weirdly I miss taking her to some stuff now she's more independent. I am really glad I let her drop stuff she didn't like and generally make her own decisions: she makes quite good ones now. They are all different: what works for one kid might not for another. Some of her friends do dancing every day for hours and can hardly make any social stuff because of it and some do no extra curricular at all. She's pretty happy in between those extremes and I want her to be happy above everything so I think we've got it about right now. As school ramps up a bit in year 10 I think extracurricular stuff is even more important: I won't be encouraging her to drop things to focus on exams.

read the threads about teens on holiday, and parents pulling their hair out because the teens/ older teens spend their days on their screen/ phone and do nothing else.

It's very rare we do hear about teens happy to entertain themselves doing nothing, away from screen, baking and doing crafts. I am sure there are plenty, but if you read threads on here, there are more teens not interested in anything.

So I am still waiting to see how being active, doing sports and having hobbies can ever be a negative (finance aside, cost a fortune to us parents 😂)

Give them as many opportunities as you possibly can in Primary School, I think that's our job. Mine wouldn't have been able to just "play with friends" after school everyday, their friends had their own clubs to go to 😆

I think as long as you keep it flexible and child led then there’s no problem with any number of options. My kids were used to daycare and wraparound, so they wouldn’t have had the option of lounging around the house in the afternoon anyway. They always wanted and want to be busy and active and I’m happy to facilitate this though we are at our limit now.

I actually ended up with the opposite issue and had to tell my kids they couldn’t do more once we had something every day.

I only have logistics and money rules now my daughter is in high school. She has dance 4 days a week and a self defence class one evening. And a maths tutor every other weekend. She is not signing up for anything else unless she drops something as we have hit our financial limit. My son has taekwando and football and a religious education class and a d&d club and would happily do more but I think that’s plenty for now, particularly as we have to get him around to lots of this still. In high school he can increase it though as he can take himself to things.

I never had any hobbies and I think it’s wonderful my kids have so many things they want to do. But equally plenty of children prefer or need more downtime so you should be ready for either option and listen to your child when the time comes.

The best activity my DC did by an absolute mile was scouts. That wasn't really about "mastering skills" in the way you imply in your opening post..

My general philosophy was to let them try a whole bunch of stuff and let them find the thing they enjoyed. Turned out that was scouts, tennis and the piano. I provided opportunities but then let them get on with it. No nagging about lack of practice or passing exams / competitions. As a result, they were all pretty motivated, enjoyed themselves and achieved a reasonable standard. I strongly suspect that if I had pushed them more they would all have rebelled and ditched things at an early stage.

again, why does it have to be one or the other?

Why do you think 1 hour of ballet after school means giving up your entire day, and have no downtime?

Do you put your kids to bed at 6pm? I don't.

How much homework do they really have in primary?

And frankly, they only children I know who do "nothing at all" are the ones who are watching tv or playing video game. It's a parenting choice, but i am making a different one, and my kids have not suffered from it.

I wouldn't spend hours doing nothing, life is too short 😂. My kids are perfectly fine entertaining themselves on long haul flight or any boring time when there is genuinely nothing to do.