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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

391 replies

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:15

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 14:49

saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:07

I am not going to help BIL. I could end up being called to help BIL everytime DSis wants to go away.

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Fair enough, good for you to make
a stand. What did your sister say when you told her?

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 14:02

sunhat100 · 29/05/2026 12:36

@saynooo p'haps he could ask is mum, as she helped make him like that?

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Isn't this blaming a woman for an adult man's actions?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 29/05/2026 13:23

saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:07

I am not going to help BIL. I could end up being called to help BIL everytime DSis wants to go away.

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I think it could become an expectation too. I think she feels awfully entitled to your time to expect you to slave for her husband and kids because she picked an incompetent husband and parent. I think you're doing really well not to facilitate her entitlement to your time and work and her misogyny expecting you to slot in as the wife bot.

She can hire a temporary nanny and cleaner.

Wafflesss · 29/05/2026 13:23

I’m interested in everyone saying OP will be expected to do the cooking and cleaning. I’d hazard a guess BIL would chose to do these things and expect OP to be in charge of the kids. Thats the actual hard bit. We have friends where the DH always seems to be busy with cooking elaborate meals or doing ‘essential’ DIY. I think it’s largely to avoid engaging with the physical and emotional demands of their young DC.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 29/05/2026 13:15

Glad you're standing your ground OP.

Iwannaeatapasty · 29/05/2026 13:15

Fleurdavril · 29/05/2026 09:55

@Iwannaeatapasty
Yes, it's a pretty pathetic situation! But sadly not all that uncommon.

Mainly because women facilitate the bullshit.

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 12:46

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 29/05/2026 10:16

I agree with this. Your sister will have peace of mind and be able to relax. Unfortunately in life, there are always sounder standards but I would not chose your sisters break to bring this up. There will be other times. If you can help please do for her sake x

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But then it will happen every single time. If she doesn’t step in then he manages on his own. Ok maybe she won’t be quite as relaxed, but she’ll come home, hopefully he won’t have lost or injured any kids, and maybe he’ll realise that actually he is capable of being a parent.

sunhat100 · 29/05/2026 12:42

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 29/05/2026 10:16

I agree with this. Your sister will have peace of mind and be able to relax. Unfortunately in life, there are always sounder standards but I would not chose your sisters break to bring this up. There will be other times. If you can help please do for her sake x

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But what will he actually be doing? What does he want her to do? Sit there and look at them? Entertain them? What? Is he going to pop to the gym as she's there? What!?

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 12:37

sunhat100 · 29/05/2026 12:36

@saynooo p'haps he could ask is mum, as she helped make him like that?

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Or his dad

sunhat100 · 29/05/2026 12:36

saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:46

DM has refused because the DC are too much for her.

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@saynooo p'haps he could ask is mum, as she helped make him like that?

Thatsillymama · 29/05/2026 12:33

My brother has 4 children on his own full time and manages just fine. Your bil might have a better understanding of all your sister does if he actually has to do it himself!

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 12:31

Foraor · 29/05/2026 12:05

I don't think you should be 'grateful'. This is what a normal parent does, after all. I certainly don't feel grateful for the fact that DH has always been a fully equal parent of DS (14) since he was born -- it's his job, just as it is mine. Gratitude suggests someone doing something above and beyond their job.

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Sorry yes, badly written on my part. More I meant grateful after I read about the poor alternatives at times on here but yes you’re absolutely right and he has always done his bit.

Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2026 12:24

Ah don’t be mean, OP! Go and stay and do the cooking and cleaning for him. What else would you be doing?

sunhat100 · 29/05/2026 12:07

Fuck no...!

Foraor · 29/05/2026 12:05

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 11:55

I only have one DS (just turned 15) but am very grateful that I have a DH who always considered taking care of his child his job as well as mine: in fact I’m away at the moment and they are home together because he’s also his parent. I get that 3 or 4 kids makes life harder but if she can why can’t he ….

I don't think you should be 'grateful'. This is what a normal parent does, after all. I certainly don't feel grateful for the fact that DH has always been a fully equal parent of DS (14) since he was born -- it's his job, just as it is mine. Gratitude suggests someone doing something above and beyond their job.

ClockGoesBack · 29/05/2026 12:03

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:28

She will feel better about going if she knows I am there to help with the DC and keep the house from being in a horrific tip for when she returns.

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So she’s effectively asking you to come and clean for him?

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 11:55

I only have one DS (just turned 15) but am very grateful that I have a DH who always considered taking care of his child his job as well as mine: in fact I’m away at the moment and they are home together because he’s also his parent. I get that 3 or 4 kids makes life harder but if she can why can’t he ….

FrankieMcGrath · 29/05/2026 11:49

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 11:18

Bloody hell. I’m so glad I don’t have one of these pathetic husbands. We both go off on separate trips every now and then. When I go, I pack my bag, give them a kiss and a wave and walk out the door. Husband usually plans nice things for them to go together and is capable of meal planning, buying food and cooking (and probably taking them out once). He usually makes a point of having the house pristine for when I get back too. I think he enjoys it. I’m glad you’ve decided not to step in to perform ‘women’s duties’ and I hope your sister has a lovely trip.

My husband is the same - I really do despair of the amount of women who seem to end up with totally useless men on this site!

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:46

ThejoyofNC · 29/05/2026 11:45

You are right to refuse. What's sad is that some other woman will just get called in after you decline.

DM has refused because the DC are too much for her.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 29/05/2026 11:45

You are right to refuse. What's sad is that some other woman will just get called in after you decline.

Dontbeme · 29/05/2026 11:43

saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:08

I don't blame you. I have looked after them on my own before with my own two and it is a nightmare!

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Hang on, are they expecting you to leave your own DC with someone to "help" BIL care for his own DC or are you expected to uproot your two DC to care for all 6 in their home? Either way you are best off out of it.

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 11:34

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 11:17

Would he make her life difficult if he had no ‘help’ so she’s trying to circumnavigate that?

It could do but I can't take this on.

OP posts:
molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 11:18

Bloody hell. I’m so glad I don’t have one of these pathetic husbands. We both go off on separate trips every now and then. When I go, I pack my bag, give them a kiss and a wave and walk out the door. Husband usually plans nice things for them to go together and is capable of meal planning, buying food and cooking (and probably taking them out once). He usually makes a point of having the house pristine for when I get back too. I think he enjoys it. I’m glad you’ve decided not to step in to perform ‘women’s duties’ and I hope your sister has a lovely trip.

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 11:17

Would he make her life difficult if he had no ‘help’ so she’s trying to circumnavigate that?

Julimia · 29/05/2026 11:13

Thatcwill hapen in this case whatever the sister decides to do. Won't change anything