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Original poster

not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

391 replies

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:15

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

OP posts:
Letsskidaddle · 29/05/2026 19:18

OMG, they’re his kids for goodness sake! Step up man!

However if it meant she couldn’t go if he didn’t have a little helper doing all the heavy lifting, I’d say yes. Then when she’s safely away, I’d ring and say I’d put my back out and couldn’t help 😆

Unless he manages on his own and learns what to do, he’ll NEVER understand how bloody hard it is for her every time he’s away. I bet she gets to go once in a while and he goes whenever he wants.

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 19:11

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 19:05

Bizarre-you are close enough that she thinks you would go and live in her house whilst she goes away, to look after the house and her kids, yet you have no idea if she’d even told him this, or what he struggles with when looking after his children?! How much time do you spend with her?!

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She never said go and live in her house.

She asked me to help BIL. I can't go and live in her house. I have my own DH and DC.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 29/05/2026 19:08

Well done, OP. The sooner she confronts this and improves things for herself the better.

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 19:05

saynooo · 29/05/2026 18:34

I told her by text. I didn't reply.

I don't know if he knows I have been asked to help or what he finds difficult.

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Bizarre-you are close enough that she thinks you would go and live in her house whilst she goes away, to look after the house and her kids, yet you have no idea if she’d even told him this, or what he struggles with when looking after his children?! How much time do you spend with her?!

CombatBarbie · 29/05/2026 19:00

She now feels she cant go away, have you told her how pathetic that sounds!!!!

We were a duo serving military family, one of us was always away for at least a week at.time for courses etc.

He needs to grow a set of balls..... in fact tell him to look at the ones he has that made him father all these children!!!

godmum56 · 29/05/2026 18:56

FFSItsTooHot · 29/05/2026 16:24

I'm torn between thinking 'Yet another useless man' and saying yes,help out so your sister can have her time away.

Edited

nope. She chose a useless man and then had 4 kids with him.

godmum56 · 29/05/2026 18:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/05/2026 16:21

It sounds like DH would just call OP's sister and she'd come running back in that case.

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this is what I have already said 759384648 million times on here.

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 18:34

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 18:30

Ah well, that’s what you get when you choose to have 4children with someone who can’t look after them.

How did the rest of the conversation go? Did you say, ‘oh dear’? Is she pissed off? Does he even know you’ve been asked to help him or that she now may not be going?

Dod you ever say what it is he finds difficult?

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I told her by text. I didn't reply.

I don't know if he knows I have been asked to help or what he finds difficult.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 18:30

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Ah well, that’s what you get when you choose to have 4children with someone who can’t look after them.

How did the rest of the conversation go? Did you say, ‘oh dear’? Is she pissed off? Does he even know you’ve been asked to help him or that she now may not be going?

Dod you ever say what it is he finds difficult?

Phineyj · 29/05/2026 16:53

Do you leave your two with your DH OP? Perhaps he could give BIL tips 😂.

Phineyj · 29/05/2026 16:51

Not only should you not help, you should tell her this should be a wake up call. It is NOT unreasonable to expect the other parent to do this with notice if they regularly go away themselves. No-one made them have four kids presumably.

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 16:41

@saynooo out of interest how does your sister feel about her husband lacking abilities as a parent? Does it not bother her? Genuinely interested.

FFSItsTooHot · 29/05/2026 16:24

I'm torn between thinking 'Yet another useless man' and saying yes,help out so your sister can have her time away.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/05/2026 16:21

Mlddleoftheroad · 29/05/2026 16:18

It's a shame you already told her.

I would have been really enthusiastic about seeing them, but arrange to get there after she had left. I'd then go down with a bout of d&v when it was too late for her to change her mind.

The fuckwit dh needs to step up.

It sounds like DH would just call OP's sister and she'd come running back in that case.

Mlddleoftheroad · 29/05/2026 16:18

It's a shame you already told her.

I would have been really enthusiastic about seeing them, but arrange to get there after she had left. I'd then go down with a bout of d&v when it was too late for her to change her mind.

The fuckwit dh needs to step up.

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 16:11

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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if she says that to her husband surely he will say, ‘nonsense of course you can go. We will be just fine, you deserve a trip away.’ And if he doesn’t say that….he is the ultimate cockwomble and your sister needs to see him for what he is.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/05/2026 15:57

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Here we go....making you look the bad one.
What does she expect you to do with yoyr own DC while you're at hers?

Then if she can’t go she can't go.

TBH having had DC for the last 7/8 years I'm surprised your DSis hasn't at least gone out for the day, be it shopping, lunch/coffee with friends and left your DH to look after their DC. Reality is most DC love interacting and if you find/have plans in place for activities, even in the home for DC to keep them occupied you're making the looking after even easier.

diddl · 29/05/2026 15:51

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Oh dear.

That's her choice though.

Foraor · 29/05/2026 15:31

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Well, that is her decision, and her set of unfortunate consequences to deal with.

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 29/05/2026 15:27

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:19

His father has died and his brother lives hundreds of miles away.

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Oh I'm sorry. That was me being sarcastic, as women are always told to ask their sisters and mothers. I apologise.

outerspacepotato · 29/05/2026 15:25

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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She's sending you on a guilt trip. Manipulative.

Tell her to hire a nanny and cleaner.

Stick to it. If you don't, you'll be at hers all the time being their maid and sitter.

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:19

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 29/05/2026 15:16

Good for you standing your ground OP. It's up to your sister to sort her husband out. It's sad that she might not get to go away, but she needs to sort this out. Perhaps BIL could ask his brother or father to come and help him.

Edit to add that I am typing this from a hotel room while away for a few days without my husband and children. They are absolutely fine without me, they have been eating nice meals and doing all sorts of fun activities. This should be the norm!

Edited

His father has died and his brother lives hundreds of miles away.

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 29/05/2026 15:16

Good for you standing your ground OP. It's up to your sister to sort her husband out. It's sad that she might not get to go away, but she needs to sort this out. Perhaps BIL could ask his brother or father to come and help him.

Edit to add that I am typing this from a hotel room while away for a few days without my husband and children. They are absolutely fine without me, they have been eating nice meals and doing all sorts of fun activities. This should be the norm!

ThejoyofNC · 29/05/2026 15:16

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Well that's her own problem. She chose to have four kids with a man who can't look after them. If you help them now you're just enabling it.

Tell her to walk out the door and leave him to it, the same way he does.

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 14:49

Fair enough, good for you to make
a stand. What did your sister say when you told her?

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She said she might not be able to go away now.

OP posts: