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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

391 replies

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:15

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/05/2026 10:49

You could offer to find him the details of a cleaning service so he can pay someone to sort the house out the day before she comes home?

If he's so pathetic he can't sort his own home, he could at least pay to get someone (presumably another woman) to do it.

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2026 10:43

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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How could she be happy being married to such a piece of incompetence?

ETA - is he absolutely mortified re his incompetence and that this ‘needs’ to occur; or, is he rubbing his hands with glee as it plays to his plan of being arse lazy?

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:34

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 08:44

If they live locally enough to you, I would consider offering to take them somewhere like a park, so that bil can have a couple of hours to sort his own house out.

I would not be staying overnight and/or doing housework.

Nobody takes them out so she can sort the house out when he goes away.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 30/05/2026 10:08

"She said she might not be able to go away now."

If she feels that his incompetence prevents her from doing ordinary things, that's their relationship problem to sort out.

You are quite right to refuse this request. You'd be drafted in to babysit her husband and kids every time she wants to go away. Ridiculous. Other families don't need this because they just get on with it. Your sister and her dh have to do the same.

CeciliaMars · 30/05/2026 09:13

God this has really wound me up. Why do we treat men as though looking after a house and kids is either beyond them or beneath them? And a woman should step in and do it, even when they're his children? GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

molevalleyfanclub · 30/05/2026 09:08

saynooo · 30/05/2026 08:20

My sister wants to start going away more. So I can't say I am 'sick' everytime.

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It’s good that she wants to start going away more. Her husband can get more practice at being an adequate parent. It’s not your job.

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 08:44

If they live locally enough to you, I would consider offering to take them somewhere like a park, so that bil can have a couple of hours to sort his own house out.

I would not be staying overnight and/or doing housework.

ThejoyofNC · 30/05/2026 08:44

saynooo · 30/05/2026 08:20

My sister wants to start going away more. So I can't say I am 'sick' everytime.

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Your sister had 4 kids. Surely she realised nobody wants to look after that many for her? Het days of going away are a long way off, especially if her partner is so useless.

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2026 08:38

I think I’d say yes but then flake on the day to make sure that he has to step up and not just ask someone else. Or pop right between meal times but disappear any time it looks like you’ll be asked to do wife work.

FasterMichelin · 30/05/2026 08:37

“Sis, I’m sure he can cope with his own kids for a weekend. What would happen if something happened to you?”.

She needs to be having that awkward conversation. It’s her marriage, her kids, her useless husband. As others said, I’d offer to come round if he wants a helping hand for a few hours but I wouldn’t be taking over. He needs to grow up.

Firefly100 · 30/05/2026 08:35

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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That is a shame. But it is not your problem or
responsibility to resolve.
She and/ or her husband should be ashamed of themselves - whichever one thinks he is not capable of parenting his own children. Or has allowed him(self) to get into a position where is incapable.

BMW58 · 30/05/2026 08:33

Hold your ground OP.

If your sis doesn't go on the trip that's not your fault. She chose to have children with the useless bloke.

Please don't let them guilt trip you.

godmum56 · 30/05/2026 08:28

saynooo · 30/05/2026 08:20

My sister wants to start going away more. So I can't say I am 'sick' everytime.

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neither should you.

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 08:20

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/05/2026 00:33

So now you can be painted as a villain.

This is why I think you should have said yes them been "sick" .

Hes awful

Edited
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My sister wants to start going away more. So I can't say I am 'sick' everytime.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 30/05/2026 08:14

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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Maybe it’s time for an honest conversation with her about how she needs to reevaluate her life and marriage if she feels she can’t go away and leave her husband and father of her children alone with the kids and house.

WonderingWanda · 30/05/2026 08:07

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:28

She will feel better about going if she knows I am there to help with the DC and keep the house from being in a horrific tip for when she returns.

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She needs to learn how to address this with her dh rather than asking you to be a substitute wife.

PlaygroundSusie · 30/05/2026 08:04

Bjorkdidit · 28/05/2026 11:03

There's a Man who has it all post in this thread. Sarah asked her sister's husband to come and help her with the kids when her own husband has gone away because she couldn't cope alone without the house ending up a tip.

Wouldn't happen of course.

She needs to go and leave him to it. If the house is 'a horrific tip' when she returns, she should walk right out again and not come back until he's sorted it.

I love Man Who Has It All. Would enjoy seeing a post from "Frank" or "Jake" along the lines of:

"My brother is married with 4 kids. He's going away for a few days for a rare break, and has asked me to move in while while he's away to help his wife, because she can't cope with looking after the children by herself. In particular, my brother says he's worried the house will be a pigsty when he returns.

The thing is, my sister-in-law goes regularly away on Netball Trips with her gal pals, leaving my brother to look after the kids and house by himself - surely if he can manage it solo, she can too?

I've told my brother I can't help out. Now he's saying he might not be able to go away at all. Am I being unreasonable?"

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/05/2026 00:33

saynooo · 29/05/2026 15:11

She said she might not be able to go away now.

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So now you can be painted as a villain.

This is why I think you should have said yes them been "sick" .

Hes awful

Sick Mean Girls GIF
Aboutreadytogiveup · 30/05/2026 00:08

Hope your sister gets to go away. Well done for standing firm.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2026 21:13

YourWildAmberSloth · 29/05/2026 19:30

I think your sister is the problem tbh, as she's the one who has asked you to help out - perpetuating the myth that men can't cope with their own children.

No one here can know if she assumes he’s useless when he isn’t, or if he is, in fact, useless. On the law of averages, it’s gonna be the latter.

molevalleyfanclub · 29/05/2026 20:26

MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 20:17

I agree. It’s almost like she’s trying to find a problem before it happens

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It might not be the case but could she a bit controlling and she doesn’t trust him? Maybe he’s happy to have the kids? It was her that asked… not him. Just a theory…

Original poster
saynooo · 29/05/2026 20:21

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 19:25

Your OP said she asked you to ‘come and stay’.

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I said stay/help in my OP. She did initially ask me to stay but I said no. Then she said you can help BIL.

OP posts:
MiniCoopers · 29/05/2026 20:17

YourWildAmberSloth · 29/05/2026 19:30

I think your sister is the problem tbh, as she's the one who has asked you to help out - perpetuating the myth that men can't cope with their own children.

I agree. It’s almost like she’s trying to find a problem before it happens

YourWildAmberSloth · 29/05/2026 19:30

I think your sister is the problem tbh, as she's the one who has asked you to help out - perpetuating the myth that men can't cope with their own children.

howshouldibehave · 29/05/2026 19:25

saynooo · 29/05/2026 19:11

She never said go and live in her house.

She asked me to help BIL. I can't go and live in her house. I have my own DH and DC.

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Your OP said she asked you to ‘come and stay’.