not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

This post is everything that is wrong with so many “men” in society these days. Selfish wankers! Don’t do it OP you’re just enabling this shit!

What a pathetic man.

I'd say I'll pop round when I can, then I wouldn't pop round.
Your sister shouldn't be accommodating his time away if he can't do the same back

Um, no way. He made 4 children. He is perfectly capable of looking after them. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with 4 children on my own, but that’s why I only have two. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Doesn’t he have friends or family who can help? Dh solo parents perfectly well without me around, but if he needs some support, he drafts in one of his mates with similar age dc and they get all the kids out for the day. He doesn’t call up the nearest woman and offload the parenting to her.

I'd be inclined to have 2 kids at a time for a few hours. Just for a bit of fun like going to the park or getting an ice cream.
That way she can go and not worry to much, but you also set some boundaries.

Staying over would mean you do everything & BIL will be free to do as he pleases.

Absolutely not, if she can manage alone so can he. I’d maybe offer to take 1 or 2 of the kids out for a day (if they are not at school). It’s not your responsibility to keep the house tidy.

I might offer to take the kids out for a bit on that day so that HE can do the cleaning up. I definitely wouldn’t be cleaning up someone else’s house, not for anyone.

My post was somewhat tongue in cheek tbf, only posted because @saynooo seemed torn.

Don’t go and enable this pathetic weak behaviour.
He chose to reproduce multiple times on the full understanding that he is responsible for those children. If your sister went into hospital or heaven forbid died, he would be solely responsible for them round the clock.

Say “no, I’d rather help you when you’re left on your own with the DC”.

If he feels he needs help, he can arrange it from his own friends and family. But he won’t learn to cope unless he starts getting used to it.

If you go and stay and help him, I bet it’ll end up as you being the main person doing the childcare, and he will come and go and dip in and out as he pleases.

I especially wouldn’t like the implication that I was in charge of tidying up and not letting the place be a complete tip. Basically cleaning up after him.

But why?
It's not her children not her family. If sister's husband won't or can do the job he can pay a cleaner.

Assuming it’s just patheticness and lack of practice on his part, rather than her being in an abusive relationship, my advice to her would be that you are absolutely not doing it, and if he fails to parent or do basic housekeeping, then she should consider going away very very often until he has the practice he clearly needs to do normal adult things.

I’d offer to sil to come around the morning of the day she returns and do a list of what he needs to clean up before she’s back. Drop around and say to both of them sister doesn’t parent with her vagina and she’s supported you to go away lots so now I know you’re going to step up and support her too. Which includes having the place as tidy on her return as she does for you when you travel. I guess that’s only for if you ever again want to be supported for a week away so up to you.

So, as usual, women have to find a solution to a man being a feckless cockwomble.

Unless there is a major drip feed, like severe disabilities, or they’re all quadruplet babies, a half competent father can manage a few days alone. He just doesn’t want to.

I’d say no, Op. He will never learn to cope if he’s never in the situation where he needs to, and it will continue being a great excuse for him to stop her having time to herself. She needs to go, and he needs to get a grip. Your sister also needs to deal with her husband and not expect you to chip in as a substitute wife rather than him getting his arse in gear. If she decides not to go, more fool her for marrying an incompetent man child that can’t keep the ship steady for a few days.

There’s helping, and there’s enabling. This is the latter.

Hell no. She shouldn’t have to go and clean up after an adult.

😆

Maybe she’d feel better not being married to a useless fucker?

Or had considered the implications of having 4 children with one?

I’d not be enabling either of them frankly. He needs to be a bloody parent and show her some respect by keeping the house in a reasonable state.

She needs to raise her expectations rather than outsourcing her choices to her sister.

ETA: helping in an emergency is a different matter, but that is not the case here.

it is utterly pathetic that a father needs help to look after his own children given the mother manages it all the time without a word.

does she realise this?

can you support her with what she wants to do given she’s unfortunately had 4 children with a pathetic bloke?

Seriously?

You're suggesting that the OP goes and tidies their house so he doesn't have to?

When he goes away does she manage to cope alone without the house being 'a horrific tip'? Why can't he just do what she does, sounds like he needs more practice at being a functioning adult.

Could you, possibly, just go the day before she returns @saynooo?

He would still look after his children and you'd be able to restore some order to an erstwhile trashed house 😉

I’d tell her that you’ll be on hand if there’s an emergency but apart from that dh should be able to cope.

OP, you might very well be creating a rod for your own back by agreeing. I feel for Sis but goodness me.

But that’s her decision, and a ridiculous one.