not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

Well, either he needs to look after the children and house in exactly the same way that she does when he's away or he needs to stop going away, doesn't he? I can appreciate that single handedly looking after four under-eights for several days is a lot of hard work, which is one of the reasons I didn't have four under eights! He can't expect her to do it if he's not prepared to, what's good for the goose and all that...

I'd probably say yeah but then spend the whole week making it so clear how shit of a dad he is. I'd just tell him everything that needs doing. When he's complaining how hard it is Remind him that his wife keeps the house clean while alone with 4 kids so he surely can. "She's better at it than me" "she's a better parent than you? Wow I hope she knows how much you appreciate everything she does!"

I also like @Ophy83 idea of having the kids for a few hours so he can clean up before she gets home.

Quite frankly. He's clearly pathetic. But she did choose to have 4 kids with him. You didn't. But then you could have a fun few days showing him how useless he is and how lucky he is to have her.

i think that was the point of the question.

Not possible for me; I’m a totally lone parent. I’m just trying to point out your very rigid thinking.

Agree with other responses, don't facilitate the double standards. Although I strongly endorse the taking the kids out for the afternoon before your DSis returns for him to do a tidy and clean up, should mean he can't wriggle out of that one. AND MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM THAT'S WHY YOU ARE TAKING THEM, preferably in a joint message to both of them.

Not my argument - my argument is enjoy your time with the kids, both mum and dad!

Absolutely a NO!
Facilitating useless men
Nope

Does your sister not trust her hubby alone with the children? Because I can't see a genuine reason why he cannot cope. His kids, he has to! I would say no.

@saynooo

Say yes so your sister goes and gets a break.
Make a vague itinerary for DBIL (d for dickhead)
Cinema on day....
Soft play / splash park another etc.

On day one of the event itself you unfortunately have terrible D&V so you cant come round as a. You are sick and b. Youll infect them.

He needs to learn by doing.

He should totally be able to manage the kids on his own, I agree with you, however if your sister has asked and it will give her peace of mind so she can enjoy her trip I’d probably help.

This is a difficult one because you want to help your sister and ensure she has a nice break, but also your sister is being a mug. I suppose ultimately that's between them. Id agree but whilst there do the bear minimum.

Why on earth have that many kids with someone who cant cope with that many kids?

And why on earth agree to having thst many if you cant cope

Say no but be prepared to be blamed for her not being able to go…

So, by your own argument, why can’t the father do it?

How rude of your sister to assume youve for nothing going on in your life where youve got several days to give up. Id tell her no. Let het husband be a dad.

Ridiculous.

Unless it's a year long holiday, there's no harm at all in going on holiday with friends.

If this is a disaster waiting to happen then you need to let it unfold in its own way. If your sister comes home to hungry or dirty children, a messy house or whatever, she needs to face this and face up to the fact he needs to shape up or ship out (I think that’s the phrase). Why delay the inevitable?

Maybe he fucks it up and it breaks their marriage? Better now than after ten more years of frustration.

Maybe he copes really well because he has no other choice.

Maybe it’s such a hell hole to arrive back to that she turns round and comes to stay with you for a few days.

What would he do if she dropped dead? This happens, to real people. So what would he do? Women learn this stuff as they go along, he can also learn as he goes along.

If you’re feeling particularly generous, be responsive to him phoning. If not, that’s also fine.

And he goes away for week long cycling holidays? She needs to let him do this way more often. Even if she spends the week in a Wolverhampton B&B (Wolverhampton has many attractions, plus you’ve got Birmingham IKEA close by).

"Not everyone enjoys parenting" - and proceeds to have 4 children?
"Sacrifice decades" - very strange idea of sacrifice - sacrifice is the utmost act of self-negation - for a parent to spend time with the children being the utmost act of self-negation? Love MN!!!!!

You know you're not being unreasonable and you know Mumsnet will agree OP.

Has anyone in your real life said you might be?

Because when you have children you don’t have to lose your identity as an individual person.

Parents are more than just being a mum or dad, they are a friend, sister, wife and an individual.

You do not have to give up your whole life just because you’ve had a child and you have such an unhealthy way of thinking because one day those children will leave and you will be sat in silence staring at the four walls around you not knowing who you are or what you enjoy because you’ve given up your whole identity for your children.

If you don’t take the time to nurture other relationships in your life your marriage will crumble and friends will move on.
Every parent deserves the time to be an individual and enjoy hobbies and time alone or with people other than their children.

Not everyone enjoys parenting or wants to fully sacrifice decades of their life to being a martyr.

If he can't look after 4 children on his own, he shouldn't have made 4 children.
Ask him how do you think she copes when he goes away? Nobody comes to her rescue why should they come to his.

Don’t go. The number of times I’ve seen this happen is crazy. I went away for a weekend break some months ago and everyone else took their kids to their grandma and their other female friends. Like can’t the men look after their kids for 2 nights? For someone, the ‘kids’ were 10 and 12.
Maybe because DH and I have no family in this country and when any one of us goes for solo things, the default is the other parent so that’s normal for us but what. Please don’t agree to this otherwise you won’t be able to stop this nonsense. You’ll be the default help now

I think that is the point @arethereanyleftatall was making.

It's tough for your sister perhaps but why is she/you/he accepting BiL is incapable? It's time he learned to be better.

BIL needs to see exactly how much work is involved in managing work, children and the home for several days, so that he understands the impact of his jaunts.

Absolutely no reason for you to be a skivvy for a lazy man.

I’d make an offer to your sister that you’ll help her take the kids out for the day when she returns, so that BIL has time to tidy up the house.