not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

Leave him to it. He needs to know what his wife has to cope with all the time. I’d say I’d be available for emergencies but he needs to figure this out himself.

I think you need to point out to your sister, that by organising someone to help her husband, she's enabling his 'inability to cope'. If he's never allowed to be on his own for any length of time with the children, then he's never going to learn to cope!!

I would agree to help towards the end but definitely not staying over (unless she lives a very long way from you) and perhaps rather than helping with the children, you can make sure the house is presentable for her return. I would tell her that she's expected to cope for a week at a time, without someone coming in to help, when her husband goes away for a week! Therefore he should be able, as a grown adult, to do the same!

If she is a SIL, then presumably your DH is related directly to either BIL or SIL.

So involve your DH. He can go round /help do whatever. Channel it all through him!

Who does school pickup etc? What are their respective work hours? If they have very different work schedules then could be fair enough. Or is it when he is off work?

yeah fuck that!

I walk away and leave husband to it with kids all the time!

If its during school / mid week we will work out together a plan for drop offs pick ups as nursery and school in diff locations - so its helpful if we can have someone pick nursery kid up as we would struggle to get both kids at 6pm otherwise.

But that would be the same if he was away too.

Personally, I’d be tempted to point out that she always manages alone and he should be able to do the same - let’s face it, he managed to create the kids so he should able to take care of the fruit of his loins!

Tell her you’ll be available in an emergency , for instance he might have to take on to the pharmacy/gp/walk-in centre, but you’re not going to be at his beck and call for the duration. The longer you keep stepping up the more BIL will rely on you to wipe his arse!

me either!

Oh I'd go and stay and be the 5th child, not lift a finger, play with the children - make sure you take lots of treats and have a great time with your nieces/nephews.

His expectation maybe that you rock up and do the work, whilst he does diddly squat - that wouldn't be happening

ha I'd have three answer to this

1. no
2. bloody hell no
3. tell your idle partner to pull his finger out because I am not his skivvy

and if this means she can't go that's tough, you didn't choose her partner.

Hell no would I be enabling this nonsense.

He should be embarrassed

I had my first child at 22 and my last at 40.

If I took your advice, I would never have gone away for a couple of days alone or with friends from the age of 22 until the age of 68.

No thank you.

I hate all the “it’s just 18 years” bullshit too. It’s not, if you have a good relationship with them.

Ha ha ha ha ha no.

Honestly they should both be embarrassed.

Absolutely not.

Women need to stop jumping in to parent for men or they will never learn. He needs to crack on and get on with it just like your sister does when he is away.

If it means your sister doesn't go, that isn't your issue. That is their issue.

Please don't encourage this nonsense. Presumably she's procreated with a capable man, so this is a non-issue; or this will be the making of the man.

Imagine - not only doesn't she think he's incapable; she also has to arrange support for him. I'd be insulted if a partner thought so little of me.

Yeah, but how do these men get like this?

when the women with husbands like this met them, were they withering away in a corner of a squat, unable to clean their surroundings or feed themselves? Of course they weren’t.

I don’t understand why women put up with this shit.

Is she asking because HE wants the help or is she asking because she doesn't trust him?
From youe post it isn't clear if he is being difficult or is fine with her going away or if your sister thinks he can't cope.

Is that what you want for your children if they have kids? Spending 18 years doing nothing for themselves, having no hobbies, and no friends?

Fucks sake, I hate men like this.

My dh doesn’t bat an eye lid at me going away because he’s a functioning adult and a parent.

He wouldn’t be doing anything different if I was away than when I’m at home, he still cooks, cleans, spends time with his own children when I am here. It’s no different if I’m not. I never have to leave instructions or worry about coming home to a tip, he’s a grown up.

My SILs husband is a useless tosser. Everytime she’s away, the kids go to his mums - and the stupid bastard goes there for his meals too, as he can’t be expected to feed himself as a 40 year old man.

My MIL refuses to look after them as quite rightly, she doesn’t understand why he can’t look after his own children (and himself!) for a few days.

I have an adult son and I’d laugh in his face to be honest, but thankfully, I’m pretty sure I’ve not brought him up to be a dickhead.

Oh ffs, why are men allowed to be so fkn useless! His kids, his responsibility.

I think this is a bit harsh towards the OP's sister. I completely agree with everyone who's said this situation is completely unacceptable and the BIL is a useless cockwomble, as another poster put it. But...it's really hard being married to one of those - you can't force a grown man to actually act like an adult and sometimes you are completely broken and need a break, but also need your child(ren) to be safe. So you ask someone responsible to step in. I've no idea why the sister is still with this guy; perhaps he has other qualities or she's simply biding her time until the children are older. Ex was (and remains) similarly useless, so I do empathise with the SIL a lot.

OP, whilst my first instinct was to suggest you decline because BIL needs to learn to actually be a parent; I think I would help if your sister really needs a break and wouldn't actually get it if she was worried about the kids the whole time.

I remember being in hospital after having our youngest (of 4) and my mum having had the older 3 whilst I gave birth said to my hubby she could keep them whilst I was in hospital as he might not be able to cope being a man on his own with 3 kids. He laughed gathered up the kids and took them home. He told me afterwards he was actually a bit offended that someone thought just because he is a man he couldn’t look after his own kids.

I would contact BiL and tell him to Dad up and be a proper parent. He should be able to look after his own kids.

It^ doesn’t sound good. He needs to learn to manage and she needs to lower her expectations a bit this time.
I used to pop in to my sister’s if she was working late etc but BIL was not a good reliable dad, they divorced when DN was about 9.
If your BIL is not used to have them all on his own I will cut him some slack this time. Could you offer to take out one of them somewhere as one to one special time with you? Just to make numbers smaller 🙂 But only if it’s fitting with your plans and I would book something for a certain time so you are not bribed etc to stay the whole day to do washing/ cooking. I also wouldn’t move to them for the weekend as a childcare.

Do you really think he'll care? Of course he won't.

I marvel at scenarios like this. There was a thread a while ago about “hero men” who go on a brave cycling tour or similar (sometimes collecting sponsorships for in my view, is more about a jolly wi their mates), for weeks, whilst the wife is the real heroine holding the fort at home, working, keeping house AND looking after the kids. Kiddult men.

But, OP, as much as you love your sister, her problem and his problem, must not become your problem.

I would literally tell her “no, it’s time he learned what she has to manage when he goes off on a cycling jolly. And if the house is a mess, he better pay for a cleaner to help him before she gets home - but it’s about time he learned to pull his weight”.

Sounds like your sister carries him quite a bit - not your job to do it though.

Could not agree more!