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Original poster

not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

391 replies

saynooo · 28/05/2026 10:15

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

OP posts:
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Dozer · 31/05/2026 22:08

YANBU to say no and tell her that you don’t consider facilitating BIL a priority for you.

Unfortunately a DH and father who behaves like this and is self employed isn’t a reliable partner for a SAHM. Deliberate ‘incompetence’ & attitude she should do it all & in the event of divorce there’s risk he’d hide income.

molevalleyfanclub · 31/05/2026 22:02

Is she still going away? @saynooo ?

tiptoethrutulips · 31/05/2026 19:55

So she was originally asking you to literally ditch your own husband and children, because your husband is competent and can look after your shared children, to help her incompetent husband with his own children.

She's a fool for having had 4 children with this man ... and she can either force him to step up as a partner and father or stay home.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2026 18:21

Tell her he's being pathetic, she doesn't have to call in outside help when he goes on his trips.

Ask her why he's ok with her doing everything solo when he goes away yet he can't do it himself.

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 17:21

diddl · 30/05/2026 16:54

She planned this trip which is her first and said she wants to go away more.

How long is the few days that she's trying to do?

Well it shouldn't really matter as she should be able to leave the kids with their other parent-as he already does!

Just wondering if it seems more daunting than it should!

4 days - less than his cycling trips.

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 30/05/2026 16:58

saynooo · 30/05/2026 15:37

She planned this trip which is her first and said she wants to go away more.

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Then if her DH doesn't think he'll cope it's time she started handing over some of the parenting to him. Understand he works during the week so maybe weekends will be a good place to start.

Your DSis can't just announce that she wants to go away a bit more and expect others, outside of her DH, to look after her DC.

diddl · 30/05/2026 16:54

She planned this trip which is her first and said she wants to go away more.

How long is the few days that she's trying to do?

Well it shouldn't really matter as she should be able to leave the kids with their other parent-as he already does!

Just wondering if it seems more daunting than it should!

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 15:37

diddl · 30/05/2026 15:16

"My sister wants to start going away more"

Does that mean that she already does go away?

If so what's different this time?

She planned this trip which is her first and said she wants to go away more.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/05/2026 15:16

"My sister wants to start going away more"

Does that mean that she already does go away?

If so what's different this time?

molevalleyfanclub · 30/05/2026 13:33

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 11:07

I don't have four children admittedly but family have done this for me. Appreciate that four is a lot.

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My husband would think I had gone batshit crazy if I asked a member of my family to ‘help’ him while I went away.

outerspacepotato · 30/05/2026 13:32

saynooo · 29/05/2026 19:11

She never said go and live in her house.

She asked me to help BIL. I can't go and live in her house. I have my own DH and DC.

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You can't be her back up wife machine for your BIL because you have your own family to take care of.

If she wants to start going on trips, she has to either trust her husband to take care of the kids or arrange for a temporary nanny and cleaner. She's not entitled to anyone else's time and energy to prop her husband. She chose to marry him and stay with him. Your sister sounds manipulative. I'd actually be around them less and shore up your boundaries.

BMW58 · 30/05/2026 13:29

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 11:07

I don't have four children admittedly but family have done this for me. Appreciate that four is a lot.

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What prevented the father of your children from parenting them himself?

howshouldibehave · 30/05/2026 13:12

If your sister wants to ‘start going away more’ perhaps she shouldn’t have had 4 children with someone so useless 🤷‍♀️

IMustDoMoreExercise · 30/05/2026 12:55

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/05/2026 11:02

I do appreciate that. He won't though.

What does your husband think of the situation (I'm not suggesting he should help out/encourage you to help, literally wonder if he has an opinion).

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Well then his wife can do it for him.

Seriously12 · 30/05/2026 11:51

Your sister is a cheeky fxxker.
She has a lazy selfish husband and instead of tackling him, it's easier to impose on you.

She has chosen to have 4 children, not you.
It is not your job to take on 4 children regularly so she gets a break.

Even if she offered to take your 2 children, it isn't worth it if it results in taking on 4.

Tell her you are too busy with your own family and are not available.

This is for her and her husband to sort out.

Easier for her to use her sister than to do that.
Her choice.

Berthatydfil · 30/05/2026 11:44

So you can look after 6 dc 4 of which aren't yours but he cant look after 4 of his own just because you have a vagina and he has learned incompetence.

I agree you should say no but perhaps with a caveat - if there is a real emergency you will help.

Perhaps a word in your bils ear wouldnt go amiss to say that he should at least try in case he is in a situation where he has no choice (illness/emergency) and his dual standards is not healthy for his relationship in the long run.

Babaar · 30/05/2026 11:31

"My sister wants to start going away more"

That's great but it's not up to you to facilitate.

molevalleyfanclub · 30/05/2026 11:31

We have 2 lovely kids. We did think about having a third. The reason we didn’t is because I had doubts over how well I would handle them all on my own. To be honest I think my husband would be better with it, but anyway, we stuck at 2. Did they not go through that thought process?

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 11:21

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 11:07

I don't have four children admittedly but family have done this for me. Appreciate that four is a lot.

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Lovely your family has done that for you but it is a lot harder to get someone to take four children out especially if they have 1, 2 or 3 of their own or are elderly.

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 30/05/2026 11:09

Your sister’s seemingly selfish and incompetent partner is not your issue to resolve.
He can find and pay for whatever kids activity/club/babysitter/ cleaner/deliveroo/ friend/family member/ Disney subscription…

Your sister needs to realise she needs to trust him to do it (and maybe make mistakes) else she will never get away.

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 11:07

saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:59

Do you have four young children that someone is willing to take out so you can clean the house for a couple of hours?

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I don't have four children admittedly but family have done this for me. Appreciate that four is a lot.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/05/2026 11:02

saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:58

I am sure he can google a cleaning service himself.

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I do appreciate that. He won't though.

What does your husband think of the situation (I'm not suggesting he should help out/encourage you to help, literally wonder if he has an opinion).

Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:59

TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 10:58

No reason why they couldn't, my sister has done for me..

To me that's a normal level of help, not staying overnight and doing the housework is all I meant.

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Do you have four young children that someone is willing to take out so you can clean the house for a couple of hours?

OP posts:
Original poster
saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:58

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/05/2026 10:49

You could offer to find him the details of a cleaning service so he can pay someone to sort the house out the day before she comes home?

If he's so pathetic he can't sort his own home, he could at least pay to get someone (presumably another woman) to do it.

I am sure he can google a cleaning service himself.

OP posts:
TimewastingTea · 30/05/2026 10:58

saynooo · 30/05/2026 10:34

Nobody takes them out so she can sort the house out when he goes away.

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No reason why they couldn't, my sister has done for me..

To me that's a normal level of help, not staying overnight and doing the housework is all I meant.

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