Dog dilemma

How does he not seem to care?

OP has not said that and you can’t tell that from any of her replies.

He is hurting too and so I don’t understand why OP’s hurt is more important than his.

The OP will be there and alone, no support. What kind of partner can go and have fun whilst their SO is worrying and having to deal with such stressful, emotional things? And for something so unimportant as a football match. What are you going to remember in 20 years time? The game, or being their for your partner and your dog?

And if the dog deteriorates the vets will call, and there'll be an opportunity to be there - there's not an opportunity to just fly home.

People saying "it's just a dog" please don't have pets. It's the bare minimum to be there for them when they're unwell and in pain. (If anyone says well what about work - if you can't be there for your animals, don't have them).

A slightly different situation but my DH was away on a trip with a friend when my lovely cat suddenly had a massive seizure, I rushed her to the out of hours vet, where, after some tests was told it was likely a brain tumour, treatment to manage seizures available or surgery which would cost around £8000, the vet asked me if I wanted her PTS there and then, obviously I called DH to talk about what was happening and for support, over the next few days we talked and video called frequently, he gave me emotional support even though he wasn’t physically present, I wouldn’t have expected him not to go on the trip if this had happened just before he left.

@Jellox except her husband doesn't seem to care one way of another, does he? OP does care.That's the difference. You can't compare his feelings (or lack there of) to hers.

If one partner is hurting, the other partner should stay to support them - regardless of their own feelings. That's what you do in a marriage. Or at least in a good marriage.

Of course he should go! How is him staying home fretting going to help the dog?

I think you're both being unreasonable to one another as a distraction from being upset that your dog is ill.

He wants you to endorse his decision to go to Budapest, you want him to feel guilty for leaving.

Why would pissing on his chips about th football make you feel any better?

OP’s feelings do not trump her DH’s.
It is just as much his dog as it is hers.

She chooses to stop everything she’s doing and sit at home.
DH chooses to carry on with his regular life.
Neither of them are wrong in how they handle things and it’s not for anyone else to judge.

He needs support just as much as she does.
She’s not struggling more than he is just because she shows her pain in a different way.

But OP will be there and so the dog won’t be alone.

I assume they both work and so unless it is a planned PTS and not a sudden death, chances are neither of them would be there or be able to get there in time.

OP is not with the dog right now as it’s at the vets.
If it does die without her there, she shouldn’t feel guilty because you can’t be there all of time.

It is literally a couple of days.
Not going on the trip is not going to make a difference in the dogs health and no one should ever feel guilty for continuing to live their life.

@BeigeTowel perhaps to you, but to OP it does matter which is entirely the point. Which you seem to have spectacularly missed, repeatedly.

Decent partners are there for their partners when they're struggling. They don't leave them. OP has said she's unhappy, and a good partner would stay - not prioritise a game of football over their partners emotional wellbeing.

It's a dog, not their child and OP has already said the dog is likely to be successfully treated.

I don't think it is reasonable to guilt him into not going on his trip because the dog might (but probably won't) die while he is away.

@BeigeTowel it's the husband who is doing something detrimental to the human relationship - by leaving his partner when their dog might die. What sort of person prioritises a football match over the well-being of their partner when a much loved family pet might die?

The dog being sick is important, but the fact is it could die - and OPs husband cares more about football than supporting her through that. That's the real issue. What sort of partner does that?

Let him go with your blessing.

You obviously love your dog a lot and want to do the best for her, but don't let that be to the detriment of human relationships.

Your husband has been looking forward to his weekend. Let him go and enjoy it.

Crate rest is different, they're home and stable. This is a dog that might not make it.

Honestly, I'm appalled he'd want to go. I couldn't imagine leaving my sick dog and not being there when they could come home, or worse to go say goodbye if I had to make that difficult decision. You are their entire world and life. How would you like to die alone with a stranger or not have the people you love most in the world waiting for you when you came home from a traumatic hospital stay?
Please don't get another pet if you're not going to respect it's a living, breathing, feeling animal.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like it needs two if you to look after the dog. There is no real reason he shouldn’t go (dog related) that I can see?

our dog is on 5 weeks crate rest following knee surgery. My Dh is in Portugal on holiday with my step sons, (I didn’t have enough leave left from work to go).Obviously the dog is an extra concern for me this week and much more work than he normally is, but it still wouldn’t have been reasonable to ask him not to go.

If my dog was sick enough she had been in the vets since Monday and my husband was thinking about football that would be the end of the relationship. It's not necessarily even about the dog (although it certainly is) it's about him being there to support you - something which other posters seem to have failed to realise.

My DH has flown home (he was a diplomat overseas until recently when he returned for a new role) every single time I've had to make the call to have a pet put to sleep - not simply because he loves our dogs, but also to be there for me and DDs.

The idea of someone actually going away from their sickly pet, and leaving a partner to deal with the grief and decision making alone, does not sit well with me and particularly for something that, quite frankly, isn't life or death.

And him asking you was manipulative - it's his way of trying to wiggle out of it guilt free if your dog does die and he's away, and if he stays and the dog is fine it'll be 'so I could have gone.'

I hope your dog pulls through, and I am sure people will say I am ridiculous for saying this - but I stand by the fact it would end a relationship if this was one of my dogs because, as I said, it shows where his priorities lay and they're not with you or the dog. I'd let him go, as he clearly doesn't give a toss, but I wouldn't forget or forgive.

Sorry you're going through this OP, it's really hard. I think what's making it harder is that love for dogs is different for different people, but if it was a human relative in this situation I think it would be more clear cut. What may be utterly unfathomable to some people is actually not that big of a deal to others. I'm afraid I'm probably more on your husband's side, if our dog was unwell but I had a pre-planned trip in the works, and only for 2 nights, I would probably go but be contactable. And I would discuss with DH some potential outcomes and how I felt about them.

But DH and our dog have a much deeper bond than I do, and I'm not sure if he would go away in this situation. I think if our dog took a turn for the worse and he wasn't there he'd be devastated.

So I don't think either of you are unreasonable, you just have different feelings and priorities and I think you need to find a way to let your husband do what he wants to do without you resenting it. Otherwise you'll just be mad and upset about it if there is a bad outcome for the dog. I do hope she pulls through for you.

I think you’re upset about the dog and taking it out on your husband - which is understandable if not exactly fair.

His trip is booked and paid for, so he should go if that’s what he wants to do. If, heaven forbid, something awful happens with the dog then he’s the one who’ll have to live with himself.

I hope she pulls through

And I hope all turns out well and next week is full of doggy cuddles!

Honestly, I think this is an unnecessary drama at a stressful time.

I have two dogs and would not go away but I know DH would go on a pre planned trip! I’m the dogs person and ultimately any decision on the dogs future would sit with me and I would be the one to be with them. I perhaps don’t need moral support though so accept I might be different?

it’s your DH decision and he shouldn’t put it on you but I wouldn’t judge him for deciding to go

If you were both going away then perhaps you both might decide that you need to be home just incase the dog needs to be PTS and you feel one of you should be there.

But he obviously trusts you and your judgment and knows that you’ll do the right thing.

If the dog does die 💔 then that’s something he has to live with and you should never make him feel guilty for that.

You can’t put your life on hold just in case the dog dies.

The only difference him being there would make would be that he gets to be there if the dog is PTS.
He’s obviously considered this and is ok with it - it’s not for you to judge, we all handle things differently.

It’s only a couple of days.

It seems like you want to try to attempt to devalue his trip somehow as part punishment for him wanting to go at a time you think he should be supporting you.

What else would you expect to achieve by not endorsing his trip ?

What do you expect to gain by spoiling his trip "a little" ?

I think clearer messaging would be "I am happy for you to go on the trip" or "I am not happy for you to go on the trip". Rather than "you can go on the trip, but don't expect me to be happy about it".

Is it possible you could make the time go better by getting a friend or family over for the weekend to keep you company ?

I’m sorry your dog is so poorly and I hope she makes a full recovery. Personally I don’t think there is any sense in your husband cancelling his trip, he’ll, I assume, lose loads of money and there isn’t anything he can do if he stays home anyway. I’d just tell him to make sure he keeps his phone switched on in case you need to talk to him urgently if decisions need to be made. Do you have friends / family nearby for emotional support if you need it? Wishing you and your pooch all the best

It does sound like you think he should feel guilty for wanting to go? I don't really understand why he needs to stay home, the dog is getting the treatment it needs so what can he change by staying at home?

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t go?

Him being there is not going to make the dog any better and so what’s the point in him cancelling his trip?

If I was him I would go and see the dog before he leaves (just in case).
Then you both need to sit down and discuss what decision to make if the vets say X, Y or Z - just in case you’re unable to get hold of him.

But he 100% needs to still go and enjoy his trip.