Dog dilemma

Na, I'm not going to remove it, there's nothing nasty in there. It's very fair and the truth. Yes they can't be in the room right now, but vets normally let visits - especially if anything goes south.

As for are OP's feelings more important than their DP's? On average no, but their DP should have the emotional intelligence to realise they need to be supportive here and emotional distress is something that could significantly and permanently alter the relationship.

I just can't fathom anyone who would put a sport over a member of their family that may or may not be there when they get back from the trip.

I've had a similar situation as a kid, I was told they'd make it and pull through, be there when I got back. So I went. When I was away and heard the news, it killed me not to be there, not to be able to get back in time. They also had my parents there, but I was their person and I wasn't there for them, I didn't get to say goodbye. I regret that every single time I look at my current pets and when ever they go through a surgery or situation they look at me for comfort and presence. They're in our lives for a short time, but we are their whole lives.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

If the dog was going to die then I would understand cancelling the trip but their dog is stable and has lasted the week, having got through the worst of it and has improved.

The dog is now on treatment which should mean it gets better.

Of course no one can predict what’s going to happen and the dog could take a turn for the worst but it’s much more likely that the dog will continue to improve and come home, or they’ll decide to PTS, in which case they won’t make that decision by tomorrow and highly unlikely to do it on a weekend (unless it’s an emergency in which case even OP may not be able to get there in time).

In your scenario, I would have definitely cancelled my trip.
In this scenario, I wouldn’t (as long as there was a competent person still at home).

Mm..

It sounds like he wants you to actively tell him to go, so that he is not responsible for making decisions and can be guilt free whatever happens.

Life doesn't work like that when you're an adult with dependents, no matter what species that dependent is.

Your husband is selfish - selfish for viewing the dog in that way - going on about costs

Please share how you planted your never ending money tree

We had a trip planned to Singapore and just as we were about to book it, our darling dog was diagnosed with bone cancer. So all plans were cancelled - there was no way on earth we would have gone.

We did a bucket list for our dog who was given between 1 and 3 months to live. He only managed two things on his bucket list as he deteriorated rapidly and had to be put to sleep a week after diagnosis.

Your husband is selfish - selfish for viewing the dog in that way - going on about costs when he has his grand plans to go abroad himself. And he is even more selfish for putting this on you when he should be supporting you.

I dont think it os selfish for him to.ho away but you are also not selfish for wishing he wouldn't. Assuming his trip is paid for it would be a huge waste of money. I also think meant it may not be in the animals best interest to not cap the vets expenditure. One of the hardest parts of pet ownership is accepting the end.

"he is angry that he has to make the choice himself"

That's pretty childish.

I completely agree.

The dog’s health is very likely to improve now that it is getting treatment.
The dog having a negative turn would be just as likely as if it didn’t need to go to the vets in the first place.
The only difference is that it is now surrounded by vets and nurses, who can keep and eye on it and treat it faster than if it was at home.

He obviously trusts OP and she has said that he is a kind man.
They would discuss scenarios before he leaves and she can ring him if it’s any different.

It’s literally a couple of days, not a couple of weeks.

I would never even consider guilt tripping my DP, mum, sister etc for doing something that they’d enjoy just in case their pet died.

I would not be happy if my DH decided to go BUT I know for certain he would not. No way would he go away if our dog were ill.

Doesn't sound like he cares much for the dog. Also what if the worst happens is OP meant to deal with it on her own?

Arsenal were last in the final in 2006. So quite some time ago. I would not worry about him going, if the dog deteriorates him being around will change nothing.

I agree with this.
I think you’re being a bit unfair. Your behaviour has clearly made him feel bad about wanting to go. Something he’s planned for and got excited about and you appear to be hinting (even in a nonverbal manner) that you don’t want him to go to and that he’s a bad dog parent for still wanting to go.
Him giving up this event won’t change the outcome. Send him off with your blessing and let him enjoy it.

@TrínaCheile I don't understand why this is even a question or issue.

He has an amazing trip booked. The dog is stable. You are a grown up and can make decisions, and if needs be you can message/call him.

You don't both need to be there.

I would go to the football game in his position and would expect my partner to fully support my decision. These weekends only come around (for most teams) every few years if that. Perhaps you don’t appreciate the emotions and genuine life moments that come with these games.

The money comment was probably just his inner thoughts coming out during a heated discussion which can happen. A separate issue really.

why did OPs husband ask her to make the decision for him
You've made that one up again. You are interpreting her comments to suit your narrative.

He broached the subject and she got mad at him for his use of language around making tough decisions and bringing up the costs. He said something and pissed her off, her response pissed him off. Nowhere does it mention him ASKING her for permission.

I think you are being a bit naive by not recognising that the OPs narrative here is all to make her husband out to be the bad guy when she knows what she wants but won't grow the fuck up and tell him. Instead she wants to paint it that he's not considering her when she's a grown adult who has a voice.

Neither party is right or wrong in this situation and they both need to cop on and communicate.

@BudgetBuster

And why should anyone be made feel guilty for choosing?

Quite.

In which case, why did OPs husband ask her to make the decision for him and thus relieve himself of any possible guilt by placing it all on her? If he wants to go, he should go. But what he should never have done was ask her to make that decision.

I think you're being quite naive by not recognising his, blatant, attempts at manipulating her by absolving himself of any responsibility.

Funny as I read it completely different. I read it as she is being the selfish one trying to guilt him into staying but not being upfront and just asking him to stay.

he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own
I don't see the issue here... he trusts his wife to make difficult decisions. Or maybe he was trying to let her know that whilst she might need to make tough choices he will do what she needs.

also mentioned costs wracking up
This is extremely important whether or not he goes. A pet doesn't equate to an endless pot of money for most unfortunately.

Pets are important. But clearly the football game is also important. Who gets to decide which is more important? And why should anyone be made feel guilty for choosing?

@BudgetBuster it's literally in everything OP has said...

'he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up '

'he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel'

I mean it literally couldn't be clearer. His main concern is his football match, but knows she does care but wants her to tell him 'oh it's fine' so he can go burden free. What he wants is for her to say 'oh please go, don't worry about the dog or me.' Any worry he has is entirely selfish because he wants her to make the decision for him.

People who care about their dogs don't 'flippently' say things to their partners about their partners making 'hard' decisions alone and 'costs wracking up'. Nothing about this should be said flippently.

Tbh, the more I re-read it, the more I think the dog must be OPs and the DH is probably very uninvolved in it's life. People who love their dogs don't do or say what he's done and they certainly don't bugger off for a football match when their dogs still at the vets.

except her husband doesn't seem to care one way of another, does he? OP does care.That's the difference

Where have you got this info from?

Just because the match isn't important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to other people.

It's a huge deal for Arsenal fans and a rare opportunity (the last was 2006 and they have never won the CL) the trip may have cost quite a bit of time and expense to organise.

I know a fan that was forced to miss their CL final by their mum (they were a teenager at the time). And yes they are still bitter about it and mention it 40+ years on.

You’re the one who is not able to process that people deal with stress in the same way.

OP is dealing with it by staying at home.
DH is dealing with it by carrying on with life.
As I’ve said, neither of them are in the wrong and no one gets to judge anyone for how they handle stressful situations.

He is no more in the wrong than she is.
I’m not sure why you can’t see that.

Plus neither of them have had a loss and it’s highly unlikely that they will have, considering OP has already said that the dog should get better now that it has started its treatment.

I personally would trust my partner to make the right decisions on what’s best for the dog.
I would be extremely offended if someone didn’t trust me to make tough decisions about my own dog by myself.

The dog is the main thing that matters here.
The only tough decision would be PTS and OP had said that the dog is now receiving treatment and should get better, so that it unlikely to be an option.

It is very unlikely that any decision that needs to be made eg an operation, would not be performed on a weekend and so they can discuss it when he gets back.
There are also phones that they can use to discuss things.

But ultimately the vets know best and so OP will just go on their recommendations and DH will agree.

@Jellox When my family member got killed I went into work as normal and I went out to a club the night after.

I won't engage with you anymore as clearly you're not able to process that not everyone handles loss and possible loss in quite the same...un-emotional way that you do. Life isn't black and white and just because you can go clubbing the night after a family member dies, doesn't mean everyone wants to be doing that.

What an odd thing to say, particularly given OP is clearly upset...

Expecting your DH to drop watching Arsenal potentially win the Champions League final in Budapest, something they have never won before, so is about as big a deal as you can get as a football fan, to simply not go, after presumably having flights, tickets and accommodation booked weeks prior is massively unacceptable on your part.

I'm an animal lover but this is something you can deal with by yourself. You've guilt tripped him over being away for a night or two and you don't know what the outcome will be with your dog yet.

Neither OP nor her DH can be there with the dog right now and so I think it’s really heartless of you to write something like that on the thread of a woman who is obviously struggling.
What a nasty thing to say and I think you should edit your post before OP sees it.

And OPs feelings do not trump that of her DH’s.
Why is her way better than his?

When my family member got killed I went into work as normal and I went out to a club the night after.
If I had a holiday booked I would have still gone on that too.
People deal with things differently.

It is completely up to him how he processes and deals with his dogs illness.
The dog is now getting treatment and so will likely continue to get better and so he has weighed it up and decided to still go.

OP’s feelings are not more important than his.
He needs to her to be telling him to have a good time - why aren’t you telling her that she’s in the wrong if you think one persons feelings trumps the others.

@Jellox the fact he's said that OP will have to make 'tough' decisions by herself is a pretty clear indicator he doesn't give a shit tbh.

No one who loves their pet, or their partner, would ever say that.