Help me come to my senses

I understand why you're hurt. Maybe you need a 'role' to make you feel better. As you are such close friends, maybe tell her you understand why you can't be a bridesmaid but you feel sad not to be able to support her on her special day, and ask if you can do a reading for her at the ceremony. Or ask if you can help getting everyone organized for the photographs (photographers always need someone to run around getting brides family for this photo, grandparents for that photo etc). A small job on the day might make you feel more involved.

Have you ever discussed your will with her? Would she expect to be a beneficiary?

I would do as others suggest and leave your estate to a charity/charities of your choice.

Then I’d make her the Executor!! 😉

(joking!!)

I have a best friend from childhood, I really love her and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have. When she got married she didn’t have any bridesmaids, she essentially eloped and got married in secret. I was quite upset to not see her get married, (I didn’t tell her this) but I did understand her reasons.
When I got married I didn’t ask her to be Matron of Honour. Now I really regret this, but at the time I assumed that she would hate the role, but feel obliged if I asked her. I had flower girls and at the last minute another close friend as a Maid of honour as she was helping with part of the reception and I wanted to say thank you. I think, although she hasn’t said so, that my other friend was quite hurt by this.
Looking back I made terrible wedding decisions, it was very stressful, we had a really tiny budget, there were family issues from fall-outs to illness to jealousy and I got very overwhelmed dealing with it all. I didn’t much enjoy my wedding for this reason. None of my decisions were remotely indicative of my love and care for the people closest to me. I had never had to organise anything before and due to the budget and size of the venue I also had to exclude a lot of people I really wanted there.
Weddings are stressful for many people, the politics of them as well as the cost . Your friendship is what you experience it to be, your friend isn’t any less of a friend or had any less love for you, it’s just a tricky thing to manage, people fall out and get huffy or jealous. It sounds to me as though she is trying to avoid all that, and that she trusts that you love and understand her and won’t get offended or flounce.
So chin up op, in years to come she might well say that she regrets this decision, I am sure she wouldn’t want to hurt you.
Re your will, if you leave anything to charities then choosing small ones is a good idea, they don’t waste so much on admin or advertising, and they are grateful for any help at all.
Also in the future you may have Godchildren you also want to leave something to.

@cadburygorilla I've seen this so many times in my life. People saying that their best friend is just like (or even more important than) a sister. That they'd walk through fire for them. But in reality, it's rarely reciprocated on the same intense level. I'm not saying your friend isn't very fond of you but she is naturally prioritising her family. When the chips are down, blood usually is thicker than water. And now she's getting married and will possibly start a family, her life and priorities will shift yet again. Friendships constantly evolve and sometimes just fizzle out as life moves on. I advise you to make a will and think very carefully about the beneficiary.

I think the only way to overcome it, is to face it, feel your feelings, then accept it and focus on what you do have.
My friends are in the 'family photos' of our milestone events, because if they weren't, there would be no one from 'my side' in them! I'm not in theirs. The trick is to learn not to expect to be. To acknowledge that your situation and theirs is different and that you have to share them with others and step aside for others in a way they don't in your life.
If your friend didn't have a sister you would probably be MoH. If you had family, she may not be your 'sister'.

To be honest I can't think of anything worse than being a bridesmaid (I was a flower girl in 1972 and that was enough for me).
I've also read a passage from the Bible at DSIS and BIL church wedding. That was terrifying.
If you go as a guest, you are free to come and go, to wear what you want and not have to organise the hen do.

There you go again. She should behave entirely differently and make an exception to a perfectly sensible rule because I am special and different and the rules don't apply to me.

And now you're referring to 'all my family' being invited to the wedding, too, whereas your first post makes you out to be a special case because you have so few family members. Which is it?

Surely the fact that she's invited your entire family to her wedding should be enough of an indication that you're special to her? But instead you're complaining on the internet about how she should have completely changed her rationale for bridesmaids because the usual rules don't apply to you, and now suddenly you're cutting her out of your will?

I see absolutely no indication that she doesn't value you highly, and consider you every bit as a close a friend as you do her. On the other hand, your friendship seems to come with caveats. 'Single me out as uniquely special in your wedding plans or I'll leave my money to charity'?

Its really sad to see all the posts from people who are saying she doesn't think as much of you as you do of her. Please don't let those views spoil what sounds like a beautiful friendship. Can you talk to her and let her know how you feel making a point to explain that you totally understand and respect her decision but that perhaps there is a way for you to do something together. Maybe you could help plan her hen, go dress or jewellery shopping or help with table plans etc.

Completely understandable to be upset. I'd consider a bit of counselling to work through your feelings and allow you move forward. Did she sound regretful when she told you? Has she said you'd have been a bridesmaid otherwise?

That's understandable you'd feel a bit hurt. I would talk to your friend and see if you can come up with a way you can be involved in the day outside of being a bridesmaid. Could you help with decorating the venue or help her pick out her flowers, hairstyle or similar?

I dont think your friend is being unreasonable really.She has family and they come first.I also think your Leaving something in your will ,is neither here or there .Unless you are ill or much older than her .She will probably die at a similar age to you . I would leave her something and maybe split with charity of your choice .

Ah op
In the nicest possible way
She doesn't see you as family,she doesn't feel the same about you,than you do about her .
It happens to me all the time ,I put so much effort in to friendships and it is never reciprocated..so I can spot it a mile of .
You have time to meet someone and not be alone / leave a partner your wealth

I'm an orphan and only child. So my friends are my family too. However, I accept that this isn't necessarily fully reciprocal, because their situations are different. It took a while to come to terms with that tbh, but rationally, they're not at fault because they have family that I don't.
Enjoy your friends wedding. Its one day and one day doesn't define a friendship.

Who is her maid of honour? You could have been given a role. I'd spread any inheritance around a bit more. You might find a local charity, anyway, as you age. Or "friends of" if there is a park etc you enjoy. Anything she gets is also her DH's, who hasn't mentioned you to her.

I started off thinking YABU but actually changed my mind. I can see how it would hurt. I understand family dramas but she should & could stand up to this. I wouldn't have not had my BFF as a bridesmaid at my wedding. My family wouldnt have changed my decision on that.

I'm sorry, I think what a pp says is so correct. 2 things can be true at the same time - you can feel sad & hurt and you can also understand why she's decided to do things this way. I hope you enjoy the day.

You need to deal with this quickly.

If i had the kind of friend i would be leaving my estate to i would 100% expect to be involved in their wedding. I dont give a hoot about her reasonings and excuses. Black & White, if you are at the level of friendship where you feel so strongly (Like a sister) then you need to say. Dont mention the will. Just explain how you see your relationship. How much you really want to be involved and leave it to her.

Once she tells you where you stand you need to make some decisions.

I think you need to be careful of falling into the trap of believing she feels the same way about you as you do about her. Especially if she is about to start a family which will occupy her life.

I am not sure what I would do, maybe tell her I was disappointed because she was such a good friend, but respect her decision, which from what I can tell is the truth.

It's a shame because that conversation is best had when you are told rather than at some point later.

That may give her the chance to tell her how she feels about your friendship and bring some clarity on the situation for you, or maybe think of another trusted role you could fulfill for her.

But ultimately whether you should discuss it with her, that's something only you can know.

why can’t you speak to your best friend about your feelings and how hurt you are? She has clearly put you below colleagues in the way she treats you! Shes NOT your best friend clearly! Don’t leave her anything in your will till you have sorted out things with her and in your head! Also speak to her about the fact you’re her best friend and should be her maid of honour beside her on her day! Ask her why she’s not asked you to be? Why she treats you like this?!!

I don’t think she should inherit your will at this point OP just give it to a charity or something. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but the way you are feeling is valid. Your case should have been different, it should have been family bridesmaids and you. Other people would have understood and she should have backed her choice of you. To feel that close to her that you want to give her you estate and it’s clearly not the same depth of feelings.

If she was my best friend as described then why wouldn’t you be able to talk about it? Better than each party just assuming the other would surely understand and this potentially ruining a friendship.

I totally get how upset you must feel and just wanted to chip in a couple of things:

1. not being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean your friendship is devalued - I’ve been a bridesmaid twice to two lovely people but neither of my “best friends” had me for different reasons (one went family only) and years down the line I can hardly remember people’s weddings tbh.
2. sometimes it’s easier to choose a preset group like family. I only chose a couple of friends who were v close but also were the two without kids which was pretty arbitrary but meant for example we could all go away together beforehand.
3. she doesn’t “owe you” because you might theoretically leave her money or because you’ve helped her make friends. I know you know this!! But just catch yourself thinking like this and kick it out of your mind.

This isn’t going to change your friendship unless you let it. Maybe it’s just giving you an unpleasant reminder of your small family circle and your desire to extend the number of people you feel close to.

You still sound very pretty young? Would you think about fostering or adopting? Sounds like you’re really secure and also you sound like a kind person. Get involved with volunteering maybe? You sound like you feel alone in the world and you want more connections. I’m sure you can make that happen 💐