AIBU to keep my distance from my difficult sister-in-law?

I feel for you. My SIL was a bitch from hell (Rich divorcee, never worked, used to constantly flaunt her ex husband’s money to try to buy my kids affection and constantly tried to get them to say they liked her best when they loathed her and found her overbearing) She wore a long white see through dress to my wedding and got pissed and insulted my friends, she bitched about me constantly behind my back and was rude to my face (once physically shoved me out of a group shot at a family do in front of my kids saying it was “real family only”) and my husband never defended me and called me over sensitive. Needless to say I am now happily divorced and it would be hard to say which one of the toxic pair I’m more relieved to be shot of, her or my spineless ex!

My SIL is a judgemental pain in backside. You know that misogynistic slur, she is the stereotypical version. We had a massive falling out many years ago. She was rude and antagonistic towards my children, they were pre teen! I challenged her back, it ended up in a physical altercation between me and my brother. He is a foot taller than me and about 8 stone heavier! We didn't speak for years. My 'D' H made an olive branch and we met up and she started on him instead. That was in 2017. We have seen them once since. That went OK. We keep in low contact touch but I have no interest in meeting up any time soon. Ironically, she is the one that said she wanted closer ties, but every time has to push everyone's buttons!

Haven't spoken to my SIL & BIL for nearly 5 years. No intention to either (except for funerals and weddings).

One of my SILs was horrible to me. We met rarely (lived in different countries) but when we did, I avoided her as far as possible and only uttered bland pleasantries around her. Even so, if she had a drink on a family occasion, wedding etc. she would overhear an innocuous comment and go ballistic, always at me. She developed early onset dementia and became very aimiable generally, which felt weird. She was a complex person and had all sorts of issues but masked them under a facade of cold resentment. When I heard of her death, I felt nothing other than sympathy for her immediate family.

Sounds like she has serious MH issues if she has had an inpatient stay at a psychiatric hospital. That’s why her family is walking on eggshells.
Just be polite and keep your distance as you clearly don’t seem to get on. And disregard what she says about you, she clearly has her own issues and you’re not going to solve them. Don’t let what she says upset you.

The last time we were in each others presence she moved her chair in the kitchen so it was nowhere near me but she was facing the wall? It looked absurd I just went wow!!!! And that was that. If I was absolutely forced to see her it would have to be GREY ROCK!! It’s a shame though, puts a downer on things but you can’t facilitate her being a twat.

I hate my SIL. She causes drama in a empty room, won’t speak to her anymore as she accused me of stealing MILs money when I looked after MIL for a year when she couldn’t be arsed and kept making excuses. There was no money to steal, MIL was living on the breadline And I was the one forking out the money to keep MIL comfortable (and I had no access to it) but SIL would of known that if she bothered to take the time. Evil witch.

She sounds vile. They’re all accommodating it too with the eggshell walking and you don’t need to do that. Honestly, I feel for you, i fucking hate my SIL but thankfully haven’t seen her in 11 years now 🙌. Stand up for yourself and balls to what your MIL or husband thinks.

@TheotherMrsSmith
We’re actually friendly towards each other and me and DH have supported her re her relationship.
What I failed to mention is that she apologised for her bad behaviour when her Dad (my FIL) became seriously ill. I think his illness put things into perspective for her. I accepted her apology but, as I stated earlier, I haven’t forgotten how she was.
I have only brothers and would have loved to have had a better relationship with her but I think, with family, if things are civil (which they definitely are now) you’re winning!

From your posts, I can see you’re in the thick of all the toxicity.
Keep your distance and if you are put into a situation with her, go grey rock (as someone else suggested) and make sure DH has your back because you come first.

I feel for you OP.
My SIL has been a narcissist, toxic cow in the past. She once blew up at me in a restaurant as I’d given her her birthday present one day late.
She was truly awful and caused me a lot of upset.
Since her divorce she has mellowed out a lot but I haven’t forgotten those times.
She is now in a relationship with an abusive dick so we very rarely see her as she knows how we feel about him.
Christmas and the occasional birthday get together…it’s enough for me.
Good luck.

Yes, though (thankfully?) She's shown who she really is to the family and now looks like my Brother and her are divorcing. Family gatherings are now going to be soooo much better and i can relax!! I'd get comments when no one was around on my hair, body, how she's not like us and likes the finer things in life lol. My parents would say..she's doesn't mean it like that. She was like it to my kids as well - one had an eating disorder and we were trying to restore weight she'd always comment on her food, only boys can eat that much etc. She restricts her daughters food! Ugh. . She's had both my kids in tears. She totally ignored my youngest a few weeks ago and left her sitting alone. She cried for an hour afterwards saying how'd she luck out with such a horrible aunty. I'll be glad never seeing her again.

So your husband is enmeshed with his toxic family.
Keep careful notes of any sexualised remarks she makes.
Document it with your GP as making you feel very uncomfortable.
This is not someone to have around your children.
Document with your GP her instability, your husbands inability to see it, and your concerns about her around your child.

Reduce to an absolute minimum any contact.

Ah, so sorry. Similar to mine, now he has just reached full toxicity and will not protect me and DC and tries to constantly say we are in the wrong. It is probably really tough on her too and her family are doing her no favours by taking part in her games. My SIL is also really malicious and that is the point where I have lost sympathy.

She may be looking for a reaction. I basically use the grey rock technique with mine. There is usually an implosion over someone or something, that way I can't be drawn into it. Gutted DC are exposed to this dysfunctional mess, but shared custody could mean they have to face her alone.

Make sure you are well rested when you have to deal with her. Someone on here responded to an older post I made by telling me to write what you really think on the roof of your mouth with your tongue - surprisingly calming and at least avoids jaw tension when dealing with the situation. Someone said this above - be really careful to avoid her having any sole access to your DC. Mine and batsh*t MIL tried to play malicious games with my DC. I have never trusted or forgiven them.

It is really difficult. Does your husband back you up/set and enforce boundaries?

One of mine has major MH issues that have not been treated. She never left home, terrifies DC and inserts herself into every interaction they have with their grandparents on that side to the point there is no relationship. She spouts clear nonsense about me. Unfortunately I also have a dH problem, but do not want to risk shared custody with such a toxic mess.

I can understand why her ex divorced her!

A side joy of my divorce was that I never had to deal with my obnoxious SIL ever again.

Fuck her. Rip her a new one, one on one when she next starts up, cheeky cow.

Haven’t spoken to my SiL for over twenty years and never will.
life is much easier and happier without her in it .

You need to be very very clear to your husband that you will not tolerate any disloyalty from him.

His family sound a dose.
Humouring her and expecting you to do likewise.

Push back firmly.
Avoid her completely.
Do not allow her sole access to your children.

Tell your MIL that you will not be told how to behave.

The less you are around such toxicity the better.

She is as bad as she is because her family tolerate it.

You are not her family, and you do not have to tolerate it or be around it.

I'd just avoid her as much as possible. But if she is confrontational then I would calmly put her straight. Just because everyone else pussyfoots around her, doesn't mean you have to!