AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

If the scars are obviously from self harm then I can see why in your circumstances they could be regarded as a problem.

They won’t know now, but they’ll remember their pattern and ‘click’ later.

Op has clearly said they say they've had an accident, not sit the kdis down and talk about what they did and why. How do you suppose 5 year olds would know then what they are? What are you exposing your 5 year old to that they'd know it wasn't an accident?

Maybe the ‘uniform’ reason is just an excuse.

I think the children will see self-harm scars and remember them for the future when they will know what they are, even if they don’t understand them now.

The children most likely admire you and look up to you. It is a shame if the idea of self-harm inadvertently gets endorsement at the back of their minds. Couldn’t you wear a white, long-sleeved, loose, fine cotton tee shirt, or fine, linen shirt? Those materials are cool and reflect the sun. Being bare-skinned isn’t always the best protection from the sun.

My 6 year olds would have no concept of what a self harm scar was or would look like. If OPs kids can look at her arms and recognise them as self harm scars given they're 5 and under, there's more wrong in their life than their rugby lessons.

I'd also be interested in the research saying seeing scars makes kids more likely to self harm. Do you mean kids with mh issues or kids without? Does it actually mean they're morel likely to speak out and ask for help?

I do worry about that myself, my family is riddled with ND and mental health issues. I'm glad things have moved on in the past 30 years (my great grandmother died in 1996.) Things have definitely improved on that front.

Thank you! ❤️ I have. I have my gorgeous DS now, I need to be strong for him. I got very close to PND when he was born, but it didn't get that bad and things improved.

You don't have to use stupid youtube writing here. You are allowed to write 'self harm'.

I'm confused as to what company employs rugby coaches? Is this in the UK? I thought all kids rugby coaches, at club level anyway, were volunteers.

A decent parent knows that things can be explained, if necessary, in an age-approriate way. In certain parts of the world in certain times people said the same thing about gay people, or black people.

Brushing these things under the carpet is both insulting to the people bearing the scars and doing your kids a disservice in learning tolerance and understanding.

I presume your Boss was never good enough to play properly ? so no cauliflower ears, no nose bent out of joint ? Scar's that are deemed socially acceptable on men ?

I don’t smoke, vape, drink or take drugs. So no, my children are not exposed to these things. And I am not sure how you can compare these to self harming!

I would absolutely tell him to go fuck himself, along with anyone else who has a problem seeing scars on a person for whatever reason.

Just shows how far we still have to go.

And what about the children of people with self harm scars??
This nonesense about mental health has to stop. You do not protect kids from mental illness by pretending it doesnt exist. Instead you will rob them of the ability to discuss it and instill a deep sense of shame and taboo.
I have extensive self harm scars all over my body from childhood. I also have 3 children and work with young adults.
If anyone comments i simply say they are the result of a mental health struggle during childhood. I say this warmly, without shame. No one should feel ashamed of dealing with or talking about mental illness or mental health issues.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, op, and I hope your employers see sense.

Isn't it better for you to educate your children instead of putting them in a bubble? What if it was a very slim person? How would your child know that the person is naturally very slim or they are throwing up in the toilets after every bite? What if it was an obese person? How would the child know wether the person is eating themselves to death a doughnut at a time or they have Prada-Will (might be wrong sorry) syndrome and can't help it? Why don't you teach your child that some people have disabilities and illnesses, some visible some not, so they can learn empathy, acceptance and inclusivity? How would your child learn to integrate with different people when you, yourself, are the one who is isolating them from the realities of life? From human flaws and imperfect people, because we all are imperfect and flawed? Serious questions, not judging.

The practical issue for the employer is this - nobody is obligated to send their 2-5YO to Rugby tots or similar. And as can be seen from this thread plenty if people aren’t going to want to see their child seeing this even if plenty don’t mind at all.

So why spend £££ on a preschool sporting activity if I have any reservations about the coach - perhaps next term we just give Little Kickers a go instead. That’s what he is concerned about - parental complaints (which I suspect have already happened) or putting people off renewing their membership who may say nothing but vote with their wallets. Whether this is employment discrimination is another matter- I’m not sure it is completely clear cut - but this is likely a franchisee looking to protect his business. Whilst it completely sucks for you.

I'd start looking for another job. I'm sorry you came across this man. Unfortunately dodgy employment practices are rife in sports. You could report it to the governing body of the sport.

I have a friend whose scars were reported to HR by a new colleague. He'd been there for over 10 years, and everyone else knew he had a cat that was allowed to play with his hands and arms...

Op as a next course of action, i would recommend calling ACAS for advice. I’ve called them before and found them helpful, and they didn’t take too long to answer the phone either.

I would ask them about your legal rights here so you can provide this info to your boss. I would also stay a step ahead and also ask ACAS about a scenario where parents complain about it etc and it may impact business.

If they wouldn't ask you to cover scars from an accident (and I'm almost certain they wouldn't!) then they can't ask this.
It would be absolutely impossible to censor every part of our lives so that children aren't exposed to "these sorts of things". And people obviously have vast opinions on what is and isn't acceptable for children.
Ultimately, this is discrimination. Any clever people know if it falls under the legal definition of discrimination? Maybe in relation to a (mental) disability?

They have absolutely no right to tell you to cover up scars (unless they are recent in which case its a health and safety issue plus theyd be concerned for your mental health)
I have extensive self harm scars from childhood all over my body. They are nearly 30 years old but quite extensive and noticeable. I never actively cover them and i have NEVER been asked by an employer to cover them.. that would be discriminatory. Its absoultely not ok.
People can not help what happened to them in childhood. Its an illness the same as any other. You wouldnt dare suggest someome who had burns or scarring from an operation covered up. Youd know that would be offensive.
Its also absolutely ridiculous to suggest that seeing old healed self harm scars on an adult who is clearly doing well now, would cause a child to self harm. If anything its the opposite. It might inspire a child going through similar that they could come out of the other side.
The 'social contagion' nonesense makes me livid honestly. You cant catch mental health issues. If your child is self harming its not because they are copying someome its because they have mental health issues they need addressing.

And if they tell their parents what you have said, then their parents will know that you have lied too. And that is damaging to the brand.

I don’t think it is damaging to the brand tbh, it’s a lie to protect their own health privacy, it has nothing to do with the club or has any relation to how op coaches etc, most normal parents will understand why and won’t find it damaging to the business. I have scars quite a lot all over my face and neck, not from sh, but I always lie about the cause when asked at work as it’s not a conversation I want to have twenty million times about cancer, my boss found out I do this, people who’ve found out I lied etc all understand and use some common sense as to why.

Really?

Seeing someone bite their nails is the reason you do? I say this a nail biter. It's a habit it struggle to stop because I don't know I'm doing it. Do you wear gloves to hide your stubby fingers?.I don't. None of my kids nail bite after seeing me.

You do realize the OP is NOT self harming in front of anyone?

They have old scars.

The reasons for which are absolutely no one's business except their own. Seeing scars doesn't not make anyone think 'oh what are they shall I have some?'

Fucking ridiculous!

A friend of mine has scars from her mum, who has dementia, harming her. Do people suggest she hide these too for fear of someone with dementia getting the urge to harm others?

Don’t. They’ll bill you and there isnt a claim yet.

I wouldn’t say this is the issue. I would say it’s more of a concern by parents of potentially exposing young kids to the concept of self harm in the first place.

Even if parents are uneducated in this area, i think parents are just tryint to do their best, considering how much kids are exposed to nowadays with social media etc and increase in mental health issues.

I suppose my point is that the cause/nature of the scars mean op needs to lie to children about where they came from. And realistically, they do look different and distinctive to accidental scars. Falling through a window wouldn’t cause scars that looked like that for example.

It would be obvious to parents what they are so it would ultimately depend on how they felt and whether they wanted their kids to continue attending.