AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

I’m glad you are in a better place, well done.
You deserve to be seen, if anything your scars might encourage older children who think about harming to talk to you about their problems, your scars aren’t going to encourage anyone who doesn’t want to self harm into trying it.
Your manager shouldn’t have said that. I was taking back once when I noticed a lady serving on the till with large self harm scars, it wasn’t offensive but I felt uncomfortable and sad for her, my issue not hers.

I stand by my opinion that no 2-5 year old should be having any kind of conversation related to self harming. I don’t care if there is an age appropriate way of explaining things, it’s not an age appropriate topic. Just the same as I wouldn’t be having a conversation about having sex, being transgender, racial abuse. You can teach your kids to be respectful of others without needing to discuss adult topics with them. Self harming is an adult topic that a 2 year old should not be forced into a conversation about.

Why are so many people clutching their pearls assuming that OP is planning to disclose the origin of the scars? She's already said she passes them off as being from a fall. The level of judgement that appears to be getting levelled at OP herself for having the scars in the first place is disturbing, though, and I think it's a depressing indictment of how much prejudice still exists around against mental health issues. Some people really do appear to inhabit very narrow little worlds.

Having said all that, I liked a pp's response that kids should be taught not to comment on other people's bodies anyway.

Agreed. I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of people that seem to think exposing such tiny children to this kind of thing is normal and acceptable. They have a whole life ahead of them to learn about these kinds of things. You can teach children that everyone looks different without needing them to be exposed to these kind of things every week.

I said previously it’s a tricky situation, and it really is. I’m not sure the boss can force them to cover up, but at the same time they are working with children and have a responsibility to safeguard them. Any other industry I think it would be acceptable, I’m not sure when working with such small children if it is and I can understand both sides of that argument.

Ultimately if enough parents decide they don’t feel comfortable and go elsewhere, the session won’t run so the OP will be out of a job anyway. I would imagine there have been some complaints from parents for the franchisee to have the conversation in the first place so it’s a hard one.

There is, quite obviously, age appropriate ways to explain things that mean you are teaching your child tolerance and understanding about things, without instead just pretending things don't exist and shifting the issue onto people who absolutely should not be stigmatised like the OP.

Just adding support to those who dont want their little ones exposed to SH scars.

Nope, i wouldn't want my child exposed to it in person, on line or any other format it gets discussed. If the manager needs to address this on behalf of the parents or children then i hope he has done it legally. I think he should have the ability to address this to protect his company and his clients.

You need to cover them up.

No 2-5 year old should be taught about self harm. Give your head a wobble! A 5 year old is reception age, do you honestly think a school should be teaching a reception age child about self harm? Or would there be absolutely uproar?

We all know the answer to that!

But requiring medical help shouldn’t be a benchmark for self harm being valid or seen as non-superficial. If somebody is struggling enough that they feel the need to hurt themselves then that shows something is clearly very wrong. It’s also damaging to describe one persons self-harm as superficial and suggest another’s is valid because they needed medical treatment, when I started self harming 25-odd years ago the cuts were what you would probably describe as ‘superficial’ but I felt that they weren’t valid enough and my self-harm escalated and escalated, I constantly felt I had to make each injury worse than the last or it meant I wasn’t really hurting, my pain wasn’t really valid etc. I would hate somebody to read your comments and think they needed to cut deep enough to need stitches next time because it can be a really slippery slope where it never feels enough.

As an aside I am glad your DD is doing okay now and had the help she needs, I’m also autistic and wish that support had been available when I was younger. Wishing her all the best in her recovery and future.

A very inquisitive 5 year old is also going to be switched on enough to understand that it is rude to talk about someone else's body and that actually, it doesn't matter what happened to her if you don't believe she fell off her bike because it isn't any of our business.

From another parent’s perspective, you are possibly a danger to your child’s future wellbeing, with an attitude like that.

From another parent's perspective: bullshit.

I understand what your saying, but you and my DD did need medical help for your SH ( my dd didnt require surgery but she did have stitches ) the school mum did not and when I say superficial, I mean superficial like cat scratches,

From a parent's perspective you are a danger working with children.

I don’t believe kids who are otherwise emotionally and mentally well are going to start self harming because they’ve seen someone else’s sh scars.
I also believe it’s better to destigmatise and be open about sh than pretend it doesn’t exist. I’d rather my child felt they could come to me about it and I wouldn’t judge them.
At that age group, I would not tell them a lie like the bike thing. I would just tell them they’re old injuries that have healed or scars and not get into specifics. They’re curious at that age but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything when they notice something. I would just answer further questions with “that’s private” and move on.
My sister has extreme sh scars on her forearms. Some are covered with tattoos, some not.
I have a five year old and she has not noticed them yet but I will tell her the truth about what they are when she is old enough if she asks.
My sister started self harming at thirteen. Her boyfriend was doing it and encouraged her to do it too. But what was really significant is my mother has a history of extreme self harm and suicide attempts. My parents had no clue how to parent my sister. They had their own problems which they were wrapped up in and she was crying out for help. The circumstances around sf are very complex. It’s not as straightforward as “if they see it, they might do it” at all.

Which is the fundamental crux of the problem.

We want to hide disability - especially MH disability.

Whereas maybe we should celebrate what people achieve DESPITE disability or MH crisis.

the most resilient children currently in the education system are those with barriers to it

It’s not helpful to place value judgements on self-harm, self harm is not more valid because somebody cuts in a vertical rather than a horizontal direction. I self-harm to the extent I’ve needed surgery to fix the damage, your DD’s self harm would probably seem very superficial to me but I am sure it feels anything but to you. I am not condoning the fact this school mum is bringing up her self harm in front of children etc but I don’t think it’s for you to judge what kind of self harm is ‘superficial’ and what isn’t.

This is infront of our/ her children bare in mind

"Oooft my arm is really sore today"

"Ooh I wonder if it will heal nicer than the others"

"What could I cover it up with?" Instead of wearing a long sleeved tshirt or a cardigan ( bare in mind it's only just started to get warm) she will get one of those big leg bandages and wrap it round it 🤦‍♀️

- some people do it for attention.

My 11 year old is autistic and has self harmed.... her scars are all the way down her arms like our veins go.

My school mum aquaintance is short little slices horizontal across her arm, the superficial type self harming.

My daughter doesn't speak about it, ( hasn't done it it since she was diagnosed and received the right support ) but even when she did, she wasn't flaunting it infront of everyone, it was very much a secret for her

There's nothing ignorant about not wanting to expose your children to self harm at such a young age.

I have ‘inquisitive children’. They know about Santa not being real, about death, all that sort of stuff.

In this case I would tell them that it’s someone else’s body and none of our business how they got the scars. They can ask all they like. OP doesn’t have to explain her scars to anyone and no one has to speculate about her body or history just because their child is ‘inquisitive’.

They’re only a problem to ignorant people.

Well said.

One of my best friends has SH scars. They are one of the kindest, funniest, most talented people I have ever known. They have beautiful tattoos, an amazing sense of style and a heart of gold. Their scars are part of who they are.

It is horrific to think so many of you out there would have them ostracised and forced to cover up because it might lead to a conversation with your own kids about mental health. My friend has met my daughter and she has never asked about the scars, let alone wanted to run home and have a go at it herself.

The villifying and pearl clutching on this thread is disgusting.

A really tricky one, I feel for you and especially working in this heat. If you were working with adults, I would say your boss is a moron, but these are young children. Before having them I would absolutely agree ‘they are only 2-5 what are they going to know’, but having my own very inquisitive 5 year old who has been that way since the age of 2 I think about it differently. I personally wouldn’t want my child to see them, not because you should be ashamed, but because he would be asking so many questions. There’s only so many excuses you can give to a child like that before you end up having to tell the truth or something very similar because they don’t take your word as face value. When my parents dog died, I tried the whole ‘she went to heaven, went to play on a farm stuff’, he just kept asking and asking and asking. In the end I just had to say she was dead. Not something I really wanted to expose my 2 year old to at the time but he stopped asking after that. He is also learning to ride a bike so telling him you got hurt by falling off a bike would scare him.

I’m not really sure what the solution is, but just wanted to give my opinion.

This thread has been an eye-opener on other people’s attitudes towards self harm. I’m a teacher and mostly keep mine covered but it’s not possible to hide them at all times, they will be visible during swimming or if I need to roll my sleeves up for tasks like personal care (I teach in a special school). It’s sad to think some of my colleagues are probably thinking like this about me and maybe even questioning if I should be working with children although I’m thankful most people have never expressed anything like this in real life.

I'm just going to add my DD is a trainee doctor. I can tell you there are a fair few former self harmers in her cohort.

@@ThisCyanBeaker there are three products on QVC for scar cover and in my experience dermablend is the best.
Tbh I'm shocked by how nasty people can be.
Would these people refuse treatment from my DD?