AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

You realise you sound no better saying things like that than bigots who object to gay people holding hands in public, going on about "shoving it down our throats"?

Nobody is going around literally waving their scars in your children's faces, they just don't and absolutely should not feel the need to cover them because people like you can't face having an age-appropriate conversation with a kid if they ask about them.

What difference does that make, given that OP isn’t planning to reveal their origin?

And there is both no need for OP to explain her scars to anyone and also no need for parents to tell their children they are SH scars if they don’t want to.

Speculating or making comments about other people’s bodies is not a behaviour I want to encourage in my kids so I try not to do it myself. They would just be told that everyone’s bodies are personal to them and it’s not their business why someone’s body looks a certain way.

At the end of the day, you can’t control someone else having their SH scars on display for your child to see. It’s not your business, it’s not something you have any power over, so there is no point in fretting about it. It’s a fact of life. It could happen anywhere, not just at this club but just out and about in the world. I was served recently in a cafe by a lady with quite prominent but healed scars across her wrists. I was just glad she was still around to serve me.

Most sensible parents just figure this stuff out without losing their minds, even with the ubiquitous MN clever and inquisitive child. IME it’s the ‘I don’t want my child knowing this exists’ parents who end up dropping the ball
with stuff they should know to their child’s detriment. I’m always quite surprised when some of DDs’ friends haven’t been told really basic life stuff.

DS had been exposed to it from the moment he was born. I haven't done it since years before he was born (despite teetering on the brink of PND) but the scars are still there and always will be.

I ask again, what are people with SH scars and kids supposed to do?

@Tessasanderson No one is forcing the issue on you and your kids just by existing. I fought for my life and won. These are my battle scars and I'm proud of myself for beating such a terrible illness. When I was younger it seemed like a better option than downing a bottle of paracetamol, which I had thoughts about as well. If I'd have done that I'd be dead, not offending some people's sensibilities by having scars on my arms.

This thread is quite frankly, fucking depressing.

@Gillygallygosh123 I used to cut horizontally rather than vertically because of the fear of doing myself some real damage. I wanted to hurt myself, not die. I wouldn't have been doing what your friend is doing, as when I was actively SH I wanted to keep it hidden, but it sounds like she's struggling in her own way. I'm also sorry to hear about your DD's struggles. I'm glad she's got support now. 💐

How could you know that? They may be.

None of those issues are self inflicted.

There is zero correlation between people hurting themselves and being a risk to others. This is an overused statement, but in your case it’s appropriate: please educate yourself.

Exactly, thank you. My self-harm started off as scratches but rapidly became life-threatening. You cannot equate the severity of the self-harm with the depth of the person’s feelings on the inside, that’s not how it works.

And dismissing people’s self harm as ‘superficial’ is goady and often makes people think they have to hurt themselves more significantly to be taken seriously. So please don’t do it.

Do you also 'just not want to be around' people with facial differences? People in wheelchairs? People with limbs missing? Because your kids might ask questions? I've got bad news for you: one of these days you're going to have to explain to your children that people don't all look the same.

I'm not saying you should or should not need to cover up at all. But, if you did want something to cover your arms but not be hot, look at sun protection arm sleeves. You can get them in all sorts of colours and designs.

I'm somewhere hot and it's very common to see people wearing sun sleeves.

Also, I'm glad you are here and found the courage to stay.

It's 'openly displaying' in the sense that you presumably went into work this morning 'openly displaying' your face, I'll concede that much. 🙄

That's what's nasty about this, the blatant prejudice some are showing on this thread because of the origin of the scars. If OP had the exact same scars but they were from a car accident, say, I presume you'd think she should be 'allowed' to have them showing? And given that OP isn't planning to talk to kids about the origin of the scars (something I'm beginning to think some on this thread are wilfully ignoring so they can carry on flaunting their prejudices), it makes literally no difference.

We will have to agree to disagree if you think having scars visable isnt openly displaying.

My reply was in relation to someone suggesting we should openly discuss it as if its a lack of communication or parenting skills.

Its not. Its just protecting our childrens innocence and childhood and not trying to influence them about mental illnesses that i and many others feel get pushed as agendas in media and online. At least if i can control one aspect, i can try.

Well, you shouldn't have a problem with OP, then, given she isn't planning to 'openly display' anything (simply having scars visible isn't 'openly displaying'), isn't planning to discuss them with children, and is happy to give a made-up reason for them if asked.

Nobody wants to force the issue on you for goodness sake. Someone just wearing their skin is not forcing anything.

tbh they’ll have no idea what type of scars they are and if they do ask all you have to say is the person was ill and leave it at that.

Are you not being even more judgemental about us?

We just dont want to be around the issue. You want to force the issue on us & our children.

wow, bunch of judgmental idiots who don't know how to talk appropriately to their kids about tricky issues here today.

I agree.

Yes, if you don’t cut beyond the fascia into muscl/ bone etc it will be recorded as superficial, if your DD only needed external sutures hers was probably written down as superficial. It doesn’t mean the reasons behind it are superficial though or that it feels superficial to the person doing it or their close family and friends.

I think it’s hard to say somebody is just cutting themselves for attention as well. You don’t know what MH struggles that mum might have going on. There have been a couple of times in the past I have shown others cuts/ scars in a way that could probably be seen as attention seeking, the reality is my autism makes it very hard for me to reach out to people or ask for help or explain when I’m struggling and sometimes showing an injury was a way to try and say ‘I’m not ok and I need help’ without words. It was not about ‘doing it for attention’ and there were often other cuts in other places I kept hidden but it can be such a hard thing to deal with and sometimes you do just want somebody to help but don’t know how to ask.

More recently when I have relapsed I have kept it a secret completely but I don’t really know whether that was any healthier than the times I did share with somebody, certainly the times I have kept it a secret are the times it has escalated because nobody has known (outside of medical staff) and so nobody has been there for me. Surely you can see that if the only way somebody knows to tell others they’re not okay is by self-harming there must be something wrong there and it must be much deeper than just ‘wanting attention.’ It’s sad that you think like that, especially as your DD has struggled with it before and so is at high risk of doing it again. Wouldn’t you prefer she let someone know if she starts doing it again rather than keep it a secret? If she’s autistic and can’t find the words surely you’d rather she show someone than hide it completely? But I imagine she won’t be able to if your attitude is that she would just be attention seeking and that’s so sad you would judge her in that way.

I would shun someone who openly displayed the scars in front of my children or discussed it with them. If they didnt show them or didnt mention them, i wouldnt care? Take the children out of it i wouldnt give a toss. If someone serves me at McDonalds covered in SH scars i couldnt give a hoot and i would say thank you.

Give or take, about 1 in 12 children self harm. I wouldn't call this small odds.

I'm not aware of any research that says seeing old scars increases the risk of someone else self harming. I do think there is some evidence around seeing parents / siblings harming increases risk.

However if parents educated themselves more around a lot of stuff, safe sex, mental health, knife crime, county lines etc. then they can help educate and support their children, who will be exposed to this stuff over their years. It all just needs to be age appropriate.

Too little information is also a bloody dangerous thing.

Again, information is a dangerous thing.

Personally i think children are being robbed of their childhoods with information. The basics on sexual health and sex education of course. But there are much darker areas we are giving them access to information and it is ruining their early years. Almost leading them to chose an issue to have.

So you would socially shun someone on the basis that they had self-harmed in the past?