AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

I've worked with teenagers for 10 years. Never covered my self harm scars. Never has it been an issue for the children, parents or my employer. I'm good at my job.

I feel from a lot of these posts there's maybe underlying assumptions about what 'kind' of people self harm, and possibly an insinuation that they are not suitable to work with children.

A lot of uneducated comments here, but sadly that is not surprising.

damage the company image

Go to the press and tell him what he said. See how his company image is after that.

Seriously, stand up to him and don’t back down.

I sympathise OP, I too have SH scars although not in places immediately visible (inner thighs, mostly). I think that the situation is tricky as if you tell the children that you got the scars from falling off a bike, you are lying to them. And if they tell their parents what you have said, then their parents will know that you have lied too. And that is damaging to the brand.

The children aren't sitting there and watching her self harm though. Quite an obvious difference.

Yep.

I was going to say, my son has his scars due to cancer and some complications that came from it. If someone asks him about his scars, he is going to talk about cancer which is a triggering subject for many people.

Coming across triggers and learning to deal with them is part of life.

So now we're locking nail biters in the cupboard to get their fix?

What's next to be outlawed?

My family is always very grateful to people who can show that they have survived self-harm, have healed and gone on with their lives. This is particularly true if it's someone, like the OP, that they can look up to.

I am really sorry op for some of the awful, ignorant comments you are receiving.

I am a very senior mental health nurse, who works with young people, a mother to 4 very loved, very stable and successful children and I have scars all over my body. I have turned my pain into purpose. Should I be punished for developing PTSD as a pre teen becauue of being sexually abused as an infant and having 25 year old scars? No.

This thread has infuriated me. Shows a lot of people have no heart and no common sense.

I wouldn’t want my child seeing them, some children are very switched on, even at 5.

I’m a life long nail biter. I vividly remember watching my music teacher bite his nails and I wanted to give it a try, I was 7.

It’s not appropriate and should be covered in my opinion. I’m sorry you went through a tough time and I’m glad you’re in a better place.

Is there another way to hide them when it’s hot, would make up work?

You realise your kids will see those scars out in the wild? There's lots of people walking around with them. Uncovered and everything.

Oh so she needs to cover them because of the lie? Why?
If, objectively, a natural set of scars and self inflicted ones look the same, why does it matter what she tells people about how they came about.

OP - change your story to chicken wire.

I wouldn't want my kids seeing those scars. I wouldn't want to explain the cause of those scars to my kids.

If your workplace don't want to be acting illegally, they need to be able to prove that your scars are in sighting the children to self harm.
https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/advice-guidance/working-when-you-have-visible-difference/equality-act-protection-discrimination-work/
Under the Equality Act (2010) a severe disfigurement counts as a disability, therefore your employer cannot treat you less favourably than another employee because of them. Such as making you swelter in the a long sleeve top in the heat, while your colleagues all wear short sleeves. The only way they could legally get round this is if they could prove that your body look does have a negative affect on the children.

They can't say "in case". As in an employer can't say "you have to cover up, in case a child decides to copy your look by mutilating their arms". If a parent actually came to them and said "my child is trying to use a object to cut their arms because they have seen ThisCyanBeaker's arms and think it would be cool to have scars like them", on evidence that what the parent was saying is true, they might legally win the argument that your disfigurement was causing HARM to those you work with, and therefore you should cover up. However "because a child might" would not win.

Also frankly they are 2-5 year olds - if they know enough about self harm to spot the scars from it, then they know too much, then the fact they have seen the scars is the least of anyone's worries. If they don't, then make up an accident, a fire, an illness, you had a skin condition and needed patches of your skin removed. Your company are being ridiculous and breaking the law.

Thank you. Happiness is all we want for him at the moment. It seems he has been extremely unlucky and inherited unhelpful thinking patterns/ mental health problems from both me and DH. I'm just grateful that understanding of child mental health has come on a lot since the 90s!

I hope you have recovered and found happiness xxx

I'm on the fence with this. On the one hand I think this could be discrimination. Employers must not discriminate based on current OR past disabilities and depression and suicidal ideation is clearly a disability. They're singling you out.

On the other hand, although 2-5 year olds don't necessarily understand self harm and will accept any explanation, but they do absorb visual impressions emotionally even before they intellectually understand them so although they don't understand right now, they will eventually. They may still see them and think something about it felt upsetting/strange/distressing even if you tell them it was an accidental injury.

You also don't know what other children have endured. Some children see their relatives self harming. It's a sad truth. It shouldn't happen but they do, and that additional exposure can be really upsetting for them. You never really know what is going on behind closed doors.

I think there has to be a middle ground of understanding that healed scars aren't inherently inappropriate, but some people may still find them distressing.

Look, you are not promoting self harm, the scars are a testimony of your strength through the struggles of life. Damaging the company image my arse, they don't want to associate and support someone who had mental helath issues. I think is more damaging for them the way they treat you! If I were you I would look for another job, immagine if your mental health would get worse again, would they support you in your recovery? My guess is no, so save yourself the struggle and find enployment somewhere else, they don't deserve you!

Well an immediate difference i can think of is that if i got scars from falling through a window, i wouldn’t need to lie about it.

I have scars the length of both arms that are 30 years old now but still very visible. I always keep them covered, no matter how sweltering at work, especially when working near children. I couldn't give a toss any other time but at work I don't need people deciding I am "mental" so it is just easier all round not too.

People treat you differently when they see them. Every problem you have will be vecause you are "mental", no matter how grounded in facts it is. I have learned it just isn't worth the bother.

I doubt they'd remember though? And if they do, then surely they'd already know about SH in order to recognise the scars. They'll realise they weren't told the truth about something when they were a young child, and they'll be able to work out that someone they knew had self harmed. That person themselves clearly doesn't mind, or they'd cover their arms up. It's a non-issue

Oh, that's so sad. Wishing your little one the best of luck, health and happiness. ❤️

I am convinced my mental health issues kicked off when my great grandmother died when I was eight, and were exacerbated by the bullying that I experienced as a teenager.

Forget all the whataboutery from some posters OP. No employer can ask you to modify a scar. Think of it as similar to being asked to wear makeup over skin blemish or visible difference. You are teaching these kids to enjoy a physical activity and enjoy what their bodies can do. Good on you and sod the complainers 💐

There is a product on QVC that covers really quickly. CC Wash off.
My DD has these scars.
I will try to find the name

“That type of thing”

What a disgusting thing to say.

I doubt many teens are thinking about the coach they had at 5 and their scars, but if they do and they do think back on it, it will show them that people can heal, life gets better etc, a good thing to show.