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Original poster

AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

187 replies

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 18:18

I'm partly posting here as it gets more replies and also because i'm not sure whats best.

I have a lovely 2 year old who has been put on a ABC review due to aggressive behaviour. So far he has been on it a week and it seems to have got worse! He has had around 12 incidents in the space of a week ranging from pushing kids down to trying to hit with items or just straight out smacking them in the face. So far nursery have not identified a single trigger!

He is casually walking up to these kids seemingly happy and then hurting them. There is no overwhelming crying or other kids taking his toys etc. He just seems to walk up to them, hurt them, smile and now runs away from his teachers (I assume as he now knows they are going to remove him from the situation and do a different activity with him.

I'm at a loss of how nursery are going to tackle this when there is seemingly no cause? Could he just be bored?

I guess my aibu is do I let nursery continue to try and work this out and hopefully he doesn't end up being kicked out. Or would it be more reasonable to remove him and keep him at home?

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:42

dinkybella77 · 27/05/2026 20:35

What is is age in yrs and months? There is a big developmental range between a child who has just turned 2 and one who is close to 3?
As others have said every behaviour is communication. There will be triggers, which become a pattern but it is very difficult to identify them in a busy nursery. I doubt they have the staff to watch every minute/ second leading up to an incident amd probably miss something key.

Hes only almost 2 yr 3 months.

So far they say he is not near the child he hits before it happened. Apparently he just walks from whatever he is doing to go hurt someone. So they havent identified a trigger so far from the like 12 or so incidents hes had in a week (3 days)

OP posts:
dinkybella77 · 27/05/2026 20:35

What is is age in yrs and months? There is a big developmental range between a child who has just turned 2 and one who is close to 3?
As others have said every behaviour is communication. There will be triggers, which become a pattern but it is very difficult to identify them in a busy nursery. I doubt they have the staff to watch every minute/ second leading up to an incident amd probably miss something key.

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:33

Wafflesss · 27/05/2026 20:31

What do you mean he doesn’t walk? Genuine question - does he have physical difficulties or refuses to?

And sorry if it’s already been asked but by ‘two’ is he just 2, 2.5 or closer to 3?

Edited
Show quote history

Refuses. He will lay on the concrete and take a nap before he will willingly walk a normal walk. We are working on it but he doesn't respond to walking away from him or holding his hand or leash or anything. He wants to go in the pram and if the pram isnt there he wants to he carried and if you wont carry he will lay there. He wont scream or cry he will just curl up on the pavement and get comfy!

He is coming up to 2 yr 3 months so young end of 2!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:31

Azandme · 27/05/2026 20:28

Behaviour is communication. His world has been turned upside down, he now has to share HIS mummy and daddy, and he gets way less attention because mummy is always with the baby, feeding it, holding it, sleeping with it... Daddy takes him away to nursery and mummy stays with the baby...

He is communicating that he is struggling with such massive changes, but he doesn't have the words. He is harming others because of it.

It's quite normal, but however velcro your baby is you really must make time for regular 1:1 with your little boy - and more than once a week.

Whilst I would love to be able to do it more than once a week its very hard to do that when its the 3 of us 6 days a week (3 of those he is at nursery).

I do the best I can with the time I have. I make sure I am always the one tucking him into bed without the baby and reading his stories but besides that and maybe 45 min-1hr on the day my partner is off I am very limited.

OP posts:
Wafflesss · 27/05/2026 20:31

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:22

The walk to nursery is an hour round trip so I couldn't do that due to baby usually feeding a lot in the morning.

My toddler also doesnt walk so it would basically be a walk with him in the pram not looking at me so I'm not sure thats the best 1-1 time.

But I will look to take him to the local park on my partners day off and see if that helps him at all.

Show quote history

What do you mean he doesn’t walk? Genuine question - does he have physical difficulties or refuses to?

And sorry if it’s already been asked but by ‘two’ is he just 2, 2.5 or closer to 3?

Azandme · 27/05/2026 20:28

Behaviour is communication. His world has been turned upside down, he now has to share HIS mummy and daddy, and he gets way less attention because mummy is always with the baby, feeding it, holding it, sleeping with it... Daddy takes him away to nursery and mummy stays with the baby...

He is communicating that he is struggling with such massive changes, but he doesn't have the words. He is harming others because of it.

It's quite normal, but however velcro your baby is you really must make time for regular 1:1 with your little boy - and more than once a week.

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:26

Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:25

Yes, that's a bit of a trek!

Yep complete other end of town which is why we drive 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:26

Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:21

I think you’ll both probably get a lot from it! DD1 became a connoisseur of babyccinos over the newborn stage with DD2 lol. Have you managed to get to a cause of why your youngest won’t go in a pram or sling? What do you do, just hold him or is he ok in a Moses basket?

Show quote history

I have tried various slings and carriers even went to a sling library. He just seems to hate them. I hold him up on my shoulder until he falls into a deep sleep and then I can usually cradle hold him.

He doesn't like the pram, moses basket or anything. Sometimes I can transfer him to the pram once he is in a deep sleep as long as we are walking at a nice brisk pace. If you stop he wakes up within 5 mins! It makes things very difficult which is why we co-sleep so I at least get a bit of rest 🙈

OP posts:
Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:25

Yes, that's a bit of a trek!

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:22

Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:18

It doesn't have to be for long. Could dad stay with the baby and you walk him to nursery? Maybe read a book or play his favourite game while his brother is sleeping? Short bursts would give him more attention in his mind than one longer go.

Show quote history

The walk to nursery is an hour round trip so I couldn't do that due to baby usually feeding a lot in the morning.

My toddler also doesnt walk so it would basically be a walk with him in the pram not looking at me so I'm not sure thats the best 1-1 time.

But I will look to take him to the local park on my partners day off and see if that helps him at all.

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:21

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:17

I will have a chat with my partner. We could probably do a 30min-1 hr walk just me and him once a week and hopefully that will help him a bit.

Show quote history

I think you’ll both probably get a lot from it! DD1 became a connoisseur of babyccinos over the newborn stage with DD2 lol. Have you managed to get to a cause of why your youngest won’t go in a pram or sling? What do you do, just hold him or is he ok in a Moses basket?

Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:18

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:13

I get his dad to do nursery drop off to try and avoid the whole dropping him at nursery with the baby.

We dont get to go out alone as baby is exclusively breastfed, co-sleeps and hates carriers and the pram 90% of the time.

He is amazing with the baby 95% of the time. Its only when he is screaming as he finds it overstimulating but hes getting better at walking away instead. Besides the odd time all he wants to do is cuddle, hold, kiss and lay with his baby brother.

Show quote history

It doesn't have to be for long. Could dad stay with the baby and you walk him to nursery? Maybe read a book or play his favourite game while his brother is sleeping? Short bursts would give him more attention in his mind than one longer go.

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:17

Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:13

I hear you, DD1 was just 3 when we had DD2 who co slept and I BF. Could you possibly leave your second even for an hour after a feed to take your eldest for an ice cream or something? Even once a week initially. We both found it so valuable with the transition to parenting two! We often do Sat mornings 1:1 now and then all meet for lunch & swap children so everyone is getting their fill of quality time. DD2 is 18m though (although still bf) so much easier stage of parenting 2. He’s probably missing is mama to himself!

edited to add - talk about him to his baby brother. ‘Wow isn’t your big brother so kind for X Y’ or if the baby cries sometimes say ‘hang on baby I am just with big bro’ so he doesn’t feel like everything is about the new baby. Your youngest won’t remember any of this but it will have much more of an effect on DS1

Edited
Show quote history

I will have a chat with my partner. We could probably do a 30min-1 hr walk just me and him once a week and hopefully that will help him a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:16

Floppyearedlab · 27/05/2026 20:13

Is he getting plenty of 1:1 time with you regardless of the baby being born?

No he gets very little 1-1 time as when he isnt at nursery its the 3 of us together apart from 1 day a week where we go out as a family or we see my dad and sister once a week and mummy isnt important when we are seeing grandad 🤣

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:13

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:10

Less I cant deny that at all! I have a exclusively breast fed, co-sleeping, carrier and pram hating 3 month old.

But I do try as much as possible to give him attention and lots of love. But it is of course sigmificantly less than pre baby.

Show quote history

I hear you, DD1 was just 3 when we had DD2 who co slept and I BF. Could you possibly leave your second even for an hour after a feed to take your eldest for an ice cream or something? Even once a week initially. We both found it so valuable with the transition to parenting two! We often do Sat mornings 1:1 now and then all meet for lunch & swap children so everyone is getting their fill of quality time. DD2 is 18m though (although still bf) so much easier stage of parenting 2. He’s probably missing is mama to himself!

edited to add - talk about him to his baby brother. ‘Wow isn’t your big brother so kind for X Y’ or if the baby cries sometimes say ‘hang on baby I am just with big bro’ so he doesn’t feel like everything is about the new baby. Your youngest won’t remember any of this but it will have much more of an effect on DS1

Floppyearedlab · 27/05/2026 20:13

Is he getting plenty of 1:1 time with you regardless of the baby being born?

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:13

Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:10

I would say your new baby has everything to do with this behaviour. Do you still do things with just him? Does he see you go off with the new baby when you leave him at nursery? The fact that he's hurting your new baby is a serious no no. Maybe he could 'help' you? Get you a nappy or a nappy sack, and then you praise him. You can do kind hands with baby things too, maybe his own baby (doll) that he can 'care for'.
It's hard but needs to be nipped in the bud.

I get his dad to do nursery drop off to try and avoid the whole dropping him at nursery with the baby.

We dont get to go out alone as baby is exclusively breastfed, co-sleeps and hates carriers and the pram 90% of the time.

He is amazing with the baby 95% of the time. Its only when he is screaming as he finds it overstimulating but hes getting better at walking away instead. Besides the odd time all he wants to do is cuddle, hold, kiss and lay with his baby brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:10

Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:07

Sorry to be captain obvious, but how much 1:1 time is he getting with you since the new baby arrived?

Less I cant deny that at all! I have a exclusively breast fed, co-sleeping, carrier and pram hating 3 month old.

But I do try as much as possible to give him attention and lots of love. But it is of course sigmificantly less than pre baby.

OP posts:
Tweedledeedledum · 27/05/2026 20:10

I would say your new baby has everything to do with this behaviour. Do you still do things with just him? Does he see you go off with the new baby when you leave him at nursery? The fact that he's hurting your new baby is a serious no no. Maybe he could 'help' you? Get you a nappy or a nappy sack, and then you praise him. You can do kind hands with baby things too, maybe his own baby (doll) that he can 'care for'.
It's hard but needs to be nipped in the bud.

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:08

cestlavielife · 27/05/2026 20:03

The abc chart is to try to see a pattern

Triggers. Time of day. Before or after food? Is he constipated?

So far time of day varies. Mainly in morning but some afternoons. Hes having 2 portions of breakfast at home plus fruit and then snack in the morning at nursery and lunch before 12 so I don't think he is hungry.

100% not constipated. He has had 3 good poops todays.

So far they haven't found a trigger. Nobody seems to be taking his toys and he isnt getting frustrated playing. Apparently it is a very happy attitude as he approaches other children and a happy attitude when he hurts them.

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 27/05/2026 20:07

Sorry to be captain obvious, but how much 1:1 time is he getting with you since the new baby arrived?

Original poster
ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 20:05

Neolara · 27/05/2026 20:02

I think the ABC process has potentially identified the issue. You've said the consequence is your DC is taken away to do an activity with an adult. Maybe they've learned that this is a highly effective way to get one to one time with an adult.

Show quote history

Ah yes that could explain why he went from only 1-2 issues last week to 7 and 4 this week! I will discuss with nursery on his next day in.

OP posts:
Neolara · 27/05/2026 20:04

The ABC looks at both triggers and consequences. Consequences may be inadvertently reinforcing the behaviour. Running away can be a marvelous game when you are 2.

cestlavielife · 27/05/2026 20:03

The abc chart is to try to see a pattern

Triggers. Time of day. Before or after food? Is he constipated?

Neolara · 27/05/2026 20:02

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 18:18

I'm partly posting here as it gets more replies and also because i'm not sure whats best.

I have a lovely 2 year old who has been put on a ABC review due to aggressive behaviour. So far he has been on it a week and it seems to have got worse! He has had around 12 incidents in the space of a week ranging from pushing kids down to trying to hit with items or just straight out smacking them in the face. So far nursery have not identified a single trigger!

He is casually walking up to these kids seemingly happy and then hurting them. There is no overwhelming crying or other kids taking his toys etc. He just seems to walk up to them, hurt them, smile and now runs away from his teachers (I assume as he now knows they are going to remove him from the situation and do a different activity with him.

I'm at a loss of how nursery are going to tackle this when there is seemingly no cause? Could he just be bored?

I guess my aibu is do I let nursery continue to try and work this out and hopefully he doesn't end up being kicked out. Or would it be more reasonable to remove him and keep him at home?

Any advice greatly appreciated!

I think the ABC process has potentially identified the issue. You've said the consequence is your DC is taken away to do an activity with an adult. Maybe they've learned that this is a highly effective way to get one to one time with an adult.