AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

Also start teaching him safe active play to get the excess energy out, some boys need it! We run races before bath, tickle fights, he play wrestles with his dad, lots of jumping.

My 2.5 year old has had similar instances, it seemed to occur when he had a “big feeling” for want of a better expression - a burst of energy, excitement, etc. He would often be a bit hyper after lunch and that seemed to be a trigger for being rough - apparently he would go round cuddling other kids and then lash out, seemingly out of nowhere. It was like he was seeing what reaction he would get. Same at pick up - I would see him playing beautifully, then when he spotted me he would run over for a cuddle and then push a child out of nowhere.

Nursery did the kind hands approach but it didn’t seem to make sense to him, it was just repetition and not paying him more attention for poor behaviour that did. Eventually on the way to nursery everyday he would tell me “No push Ben. No push Ella. No push anybody,” and it seemed to stick. If he hit / pushed me or his dad we would just do a stern face and turn away saying “no thank you, no hitting mummy.” Funnily enough he was really gentle with babies.

With his baby sibling have you tried you and eldest as a team? Give a big dramatic sigh, “Oh no, your brother / our baby’s crying again, do you think he has another wet nappy? If you fetch the mat and the wipes I’ll get his clothes off. When we’ve got him sorted shall we have a biscuit?”

I hate this gentle hands stuff. He’s really not going to understand that if he’s smiling when he hits other dc. It’s just far too complex. Biting is a big no no
too. Does anyone actually show they are cross with him ? Nursery cannot but family can. You just seem to tolerate this behaviour and think he’s an angel and then he bites! Why can you not immediately tell him off? He’s not bothered about what you are doing at the moment and is doing what he pleases because the consequences don’t bother him. I do find 2 year olds understand NO and similar words to say he’s doing something unacceptable.

I think he’s struggling with your clingy baby and you need to get the baby in a pram because he’s dictating to you too. A bit of crying isn’t the end of the world.

As his language improves, so should his behaviour but the smiling bit is a red flag. If he doesn’t show remorse fairly soon, this is a big problem.

Does he get much physical stimulation @ThePoisedOpalBird ? It sounds like he could be sensory seeking. I would try doing physical things with him first thing; could you maybe get him dancing to a song before nursery? Or give him lots of hugs (squeezing sensation)? If his senses are satisfied then maybe he won’t seek it.
I could be totally wrong @ThePoisedOpalBird but it’s just another perspective/ possibility that might be worth considering.

Sensory overwhelm isn't consistent.

My kid loves a loud birthday party, popping balloons, even music festivals.

He can't cope when we have visitors over and there are people talking over each other, or when a boy racer revvs his Peugeot 206 up the road or someone slowly bumbles past with their twostroke engine.

Sometimes it's like the boiled frog theory. You don't know you're in it until it's too late.

It’s completely normal for 2 year olds to hit others but I get that you and the nursery are trying to resolve/ improve as he is there and you want him to stay there. ABC’s can be further explored by thinking about the function of the behaviour- you have identified that he gets adult attention. Can they focus his learning on how to get that attention in a positive way? Can they look at how long he is playing happily before moving off to hurt another child? There may be a pattern eg he can manage 20 minutes then seeks out attention by hurting someone. If he does that, can they move him on at 15 minutes with a brief 1:1 interaction/ activity?
i remember DS (v long ago) used to push others at that age, it was really difficult, I had to deal with the disapproval of other parents and remove him / me. It felt isolating but he stopped after a few months

In my experience a lot of kids go through the hitting stage and it can be completely normal and they mostly grow out of it.

I'd let nursery handle it for now, I would ask how they're dealing with him when he lashes out just so you can support the consequences being consistent. No one likes to hear their kiddo is hitting others, especially at nursery pick up, but they will have dealt with it many times and kiddo won't be the last. Try not to stress too much about it.

This also makes me think maybe the goal is to leave for him. Soft plays are so overwhelming, and not every kid will express that it's overwhelming by being in tears or covering their ears.

@ThePoisedOpalBird The best thing that happened to my 2 year old was when another toddler smacked him back. Sounds horrible but somehow he just stopped going up to other kids pushing/hitting after that.

He sounds very overstimulated and struggling with transitions.

FWIW my DS (autistic, not saying yours is btw) also would not walk outside at all for the first 5 years of his life and nothing we tried worked. He's 7 and will now walk but he still has a pushchair for safety, but he found the transition from inside to outside difficult. This was a key point brought up in early help meetings, which helped us get some therapeutic input.

Having a new baby is a massive transition and very overstimulating and all of that pent up frustration has to come out somehow and somewhere and it could just be that it is happening at nursery. I would actually give ear defenders or headphones a go in the home. We all have our limits, SEN or not, and I think they're a useful tool.

As others have pointed out, he may also have realised cause and effect, which is a developmentally appropriate thing for children his age however what he has realised is if he causes harm to another child, the effect is he is removed to do something else. Nursery may need to modify their approach at redirecting back to the task at hand, and modelling useful language like "I need space please".

DSs nursery used to use kind hands, but that was absolutely infuriating for DS as hands do not have emotions any more than feet can be grumpy, knees can be jolly and teeth can be scared. It made no sense to him and it did not provide him with functional language that he could use to signal that he needed space or would like to change activities.

Just because nursery haven't identified a trigger doesn't mean there is no trigger. They just aren't looking at the bigger picture and trying to meet his sensory (which all children have! Again, not armchair diagnosing anybody) and regulation needs.

It's also worth considering whether this is a good fit nursery for your son, or whether they're only a good nursery for unproblematic, self regulating children who don't pose any physical problems. Having had a child like your own, I have come to realise many nurseries are the latter, and I would always ask prospective nurseries in the future what their approaches are for identifying triggers for behaviour and managing the needs of children if they show signs of distress, discomfort or unhappiness.

Kids are usually simple creatures, it could be that nursery is just a bit more overwhelming than home or that he's realised that pushing another child results in being taken for some 1 on 1 time.

My son used to do this, completely fine at home but the moment we went into a softplay he'd punch the first kid he'd see, we didn't realise the first few times that it meant one of us would have to go in with him, it took one time of taking him home kicking and screaming to change tact, mum and dad will watch you go down the slide 3 times and then we will come in, any hitting we go home and we don't get to come in with you. He ended up getting his 1 on 1 time and learning that it was no fun hitting other kids.

Also to add as I’ve just read the other posts - it’s absolutely normal to not get much 121 time with your older child(ren) when babies come along. You can’t split yourself in two and many of us exclusively breastfed and couldn’t be separated for periods of time in the early days.

It’s still not normal to hit out 7 times a day, and you said he had incidences before baby too. I don’t think this is jealousy, I think he’s lacking the understanding at the moment. It sounds like a communication issue to me.

It sounds like a tricky situation. As a mum of three, I can say that these incidences aren’t normal. The odd bite if fighting over a toy might be normal but the level you’ve described is much more than what I’ve experienced from my children.

From what you’ve said, it’s not clear if he means malice, and is using the physical behaviour to get what he wants, or if he simply doesn’t understand that it’s unkind. Maybe it’s a form of communication for him.

Whats his understanding like otherwise? Does he follow instructions well? Does he react as you’ve expect to emotions, eg does he know when people are sad, or scared etc?

As adult, we often assign grown up thoughts to children that doesn’t translate. Some 2 year olds will know very well what their fighting/hitting/biting is doing, but others don’t and it’s not necessarily him intentionally hurting people.

I would be led by the nursery at this stage (if they’re decent) and also perhaps speak to the health visitor so it’s on their radar, should you need services in the future.

I would guess that becoming a big brother and stress at nursery are factors here. It's for you to decide about keeping him in but I'd certainly reduce his time there as this is an indication that he's struggling with the environment. This article is about playgroup rather than nursery but you can use it to think about ideas for home and to agree a strategy with the nursery workers to tackle it. Toddler Hitting Other Kids at Playgroup