AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

they seem to be focusing on fast triggers and not looking at slow triggers as well.
a slow trigger is a build up over time. For instance if you’re tired, feeling unwell, find lots of noise or being in a crowded place a bit annoying. The slow triggers simmer and then something small happens and a behaviour of concern happens or the slow triggers simmer build up causing a behaviour of concern. Is a slow trigger feeling overwhelmed with changes at home so he is feeling dysregulated.
Also getting taken away may be a reason. He needs space and that’s how he gets it.
under stimulated needs support to do some more taxing play.
wanting one to one attention.
not sure what to do next.
is a child in the room making a noise he dislikes.

There might be deep communicative reasons behind the behaviour, but it might just be fun for him! The other children probably react in an exciting way when he does it, and so do the staff. For young children, it doesn’t matter if it’s negative rather than positive attention- attention is attention.

definitely try and give some 1:1 time with him, regularly. But this may well be something that will improve with time as he matures. Nursery must make sure they’re not encouraging it. Might be worth considering a childminder.

I actually find this post scary.

Your two year old child is randomly seeking out other children, your baby and adults to hurt while smiling before and after. This sounds like callous unemotional behaviour which is a real thing even in two year olds. You won’t find a trigger and thats the scary part.

You are enabling his behaviour by the rough play but won’t stop as it’s the only thing he really engages with. Are you happy your child’s socialisation with you is essentially physical fighting?

You go on a lot about what a wonderful boy he is and he may act like it some of the time but he actively seeks to hurt others. He isn’t wonderful if he does this - his behaviour isn’t at all normal.

On a secondary note breastfeeding your three month old every hour is pretty excessive. At this point it should be every 3-4 hours. Someone else can hold the baby between feeds. Spend time with your oldest child and please understand what is really going on here.

@ThePoisedOpalBird So your baby died what he wants too! Every hour? Why? Substitute a bottle. Stop him sleeping on you? Why does he need this? I’d want a life and your DS is probably jealous.

Say No with purpose. Not a meek “no darling” . Try an angry face. Raise your voice. Make him take notice. Does he find nursery staff a joke too? I did occasionally, very occasionally, make absolutely certain my DDs knew I was very displeased. They didn’t dare laugh at that moment. They were shocked I was cross. Shock him! I really dislike dc who laugh at adults. Start to mean what you say and don’t let him tip toys everywhere!

They are trying to break it to you very gently that he is a handful.

The communication technique/ approach they are using is called sandwiching.

Sandwiching is supposed to have the effect of not sending you home in tears, despairing of your child, feeling that your parenting is being criticized, and getting your back up in defensive mode.

It seems that it has just had the effect of confusing you.

Dancing, jumping on a toddler trampoline, chasing bubbles, etc.
Get him out to a playground to work off his energy there.
Buy him a really big stuffed animal to wrestle/ snuggle with.
Redirect him to 'help' with housework.
If you have outdoor space, get a sprinkler to run around in.
Introduce gentle, snuggly closeness to replace the boisterous contact.

Warmer weather is on its way. Using up energy outdoors will enable you to establish a difference between 'I door' and 'outdoor' energy just as you have indoor and outdoor voices.

As a side note, the only children I've seen in early years settings who persistently chose physicality over words in their I traction with peers were children who had a speech lag and other socio emotional development delays, as well as those whose pare to permitted a lot of rough play at home.

You should take him out.

Nurseries can be overwhelming environments for some toddlers - lots of noise and activity going on. Sensory overload can happen.

There may also be kids in the room whose behaviour he is copying. He may have seen a push, smack, bite, etc. It's not always clear to toddlers that these behaviours are big No-Nos, even when a teacher/ staff member quicjly responds to the offender with a loud No/ We use gentle hands/ Hands are for playing, not hitting, etc.

@ThePoisedOpalBird Of course you can leave the baby for an hour or so! Why is baby attached to you 24:7? The baby doesn’t need feeding every hour! Leave the baby with DH. Nothing will happen to him.

Your 2 year old isn’t great with other dc is he? Throws toys around - but you let him do it ! Do you ever correct him? Books won’t help. You need to accept this behaviour every day isn’t normal and you need to start talking to him in plain simple words to correct him. So “no biting”, “no throwing” etc. Repeat No and make sure he knows you are displeased. No child deserves to be hurt by him and you have to be far more determined to deal with this. Maybe grandad could assist as he’s been bitten! Did grandad care?

I say this very gently OP but
I have been an Early years teacher & SENCO for 27yrs and it has never been my experience that 2 yr olds regularly hurt other children at nursery, unless due to a dispute over a toy etc & that is usually only in the very early days of nursery until they learn that’s not acceptable.
As he smiles before & after an incident it may be that it’s the sensory stimulation of the hurt children’s reactions, crying etc, that he’s seeking, he’s not angry & intentionally trying to hurt them.
I am a little concerned about his refusing to walk, resisting getting dressed & not following instructions, even at nursery, or when playing games etc alongside the hitting & biting.
It’s unusual for 2yr olds to hurt grandparents & baby siblings OP.
I would cut down on the play fighting, I don’t think it’s causing it but may be confusing for him, he may not be old enough to know that he can ‘fight’ with Dad but not other people.
We can usually tell which children do a lot of play fighting at home, in our experience they are the ones more likely to engage in hitting etc during disagreements with other children or just in play.
You’re doing the right thing working closely with nursery, they sound like they’re trying hard to find out why these incidents keep happening.
They are the experts & will support you & your little boy.
I hope things settle down soon.

Perhaps signs of what may later be adhd?
How is his sleep/food etc?
It may well be worsened by having a needy younger sibling.
Had he been going long when baby was born?

As my eldest started when baby was only 2 months. So probably felt pushed out. Mine had a lot of issues at nursery but not particularly physical. That started at reception at 4.

But if they know yours is prone to this behaviour at moment they need to be intercepting.

Mine is autistic and adhd.

Why can’t you remove him as of tomorrow and have the conversation with nursery next week? Don’t send him in for another 3 weeks knowing he will be hurting other children. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your son constantly being attacked?

I can see you have a young baby and it’s difficult but your son also needs parenting. You chose to have two kids, so no matter how exhausted you may be, you have to show up for both of them.

Sorry OP but this is a really selfish mindset to have! Your child, YOUR child, is actively hurting several children a day and you think is acceptable to keep sending him in so he socialises? One or two incidents, I would completely agree, but this is so much more than that. He needs to be removed until he is a bit older. Stop making excuses for his behaviour, most 2 year olds do not behave like this to the extent yours has. He certainly isn't lacking socialisation at nursery and other children do not deserve to be your sons punching bags while he figures his communication issues out. That’s for you to help him do as a parent, in a safe and controlled way which a nursery cannot provide. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing my son was going to physically attack multiple children the next day. It’s shocking actually.

I’m begging you, remove him until a suitable solution is found.

My son was pushed over by a child like yours at nursery, he had severe concussion and nearly died because of it. Violence is not a joke in these settings. Nursery staff have so many other children to look after, they can’t keep an eye on your child all the time and if there is nothing obviously triggering him, that makes it impossible to know when he is going to attack another child. It’s not fair on the other children or the other parents who may have no choice but to send their kids in, knowing they may get hurt. It’s also not fair on the nursery staff who will most definitely be having to deal with very angry parents who don’t understand why they are not protecting their children.